European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 20, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Voices Good guide to bad Guys on the screen Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in running Down the meanest in the movies 1. The Best bad Guys come from Colombia a greedy Bloodthirsty drug lords with bad complexions who sneer a lot while they walk around their Mountain Villas wearing japanese Kimonos. They always have a Girlfriend named Marissa who gets slapped around a lot. Colombians Are now More popular than. 2. Arab terrorists. After 10 years of pretty much being the Standard for evil Arab terrorists who always have names like Muhammad Akmal Muhammad have become overused and devalued. 3. New York drug gangs. You still see a few coked up pimps who get Rich off Selling crack to elementary school kids but the Only Guy who could do this convincingly was Wesley Snipes and Wesley is now a Good Guy. 4. Redneck hillbilly cannibals. One of my favorite bad Guys is the overweight Gap toothed weasel named Hiram who lives in a Shack and keeps innocent women chained up in his tool shed. 5. Real cannibals from South America. This is so politically incorrect that i Haven to seen it done for 10 years but there used to be a kind of movie where anthropologists would go Down to the Amazon Forest to prove cannibalism did no to exist and they a end up As Swansong a to dinners for the local tribes. 6. Lunatic Viet Cong officers who done to know the War is Over. These Are the Guys who Are still holding the 3,000 missing in action american prisoners that Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris still Haven to been Able to Rescue after six movies. 7. Corrupt psychotic cops. An increasingly popular bad Guy Type this pure Dee mean Nightmare in Blue should be played by Charles Napier or wings Hauser. He beats up women kills junkies when he has used them up takes Money from hookers and puts his partner in a situation where he can get killed. Speaking of fortresses in the desert this weeks movie beyond Justice has Rutger Hauer rooting around in Morocco with a stinger missile on his shoulder trying to Rescue Carol Altos son from her sex husband an Arab who has kidnapped the kid from his exclusive new York Day school and carried him to a moroccan Warrior City where he is chosen by his Grandfather Omar Sharif to Lead his Peoples on Camelback into the 21st Century. So As you can see its one of those italian made prep school boys pressed into Arab military service flicks but it has so much Sand blowing around getting in the Way of the plot that after a while it s like is Ufa without the singing. One Hundred ten dead bodies. No breasts. One motor vehicle Chase. One Camel Chase. Sandstorm. Three gun Battles. Gratuitous Elliott Gould. Kung fun. Throwing Star fun. Hezbollah fun. Drive in Academy award nomination for Gould for never showing a single human emotion the whole movie and for saying a that boy needs a father. Two stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless bureaucrat Alert the screen of the Caro drive in on m-81 in Caro mich., got destroyed in a Tornado last year and the management decided not to rebuild since everybody started going to the Caro indoor theater which is owned by the same people. It Rutger Hauer on target in beyond Justice. Gets worse. Now the Caro Village Council wants to Annex the drive in land in the Hopes of attracting the enemy of drive ins everywhere Wal Mart Dennis Luettke of Cass City who saw the wild Angels at the Caro in 1965, reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear or. Briggs i decided to Call you or. Briggs because that Joe Bob stuff is just too cute and you re probably too old for it. Thank you for sending me your newsletter a in which i had an Opportunity to see you write like an adult instead of a brat a or someone who would like to be Young enough to still be considered a brat. Unfortunately not even your More serious writing can shake off your cuteness. There a nothing quite so cute As the Way in which Middle class educated left leaning White people who think they Are a Cut above All the other White people a Rich and poor a not to mention everybody else except Black women who arc invisible in this society unless you re looking for a whore particularly younger or would-like-to-be-under-40 Middle class educated left leaning White people think they know the truth and therefore Are Freer than everybody else including and especially Anita Hill who a not invisible anymore because she was on commercially sponsored prime time shame on Hill for not living by the standards of the Wasp male shame on her for not telling Clarence Thomas he a just too fat old looking and ugly. Shame on her for not risking the loss of her Job if Black women want to be treated like Wasp males and Wasp males boys of col Orthey better Tell their Bosses to a off and worry about their snowballs Chance in hell of finding As Good a Job later. Nena Lewis says Check it out. Nena Lewis san Francisco dear Nena if i can Ever find a a Middle class educated lilt leaning White person to write my column ill let you know whether your assumptions Are right. Joe Bob i cried when Maggy Thatcher lost her Job. I think about her All Day and have dreams about mrs. Thatcher at night. Joe Bob Maggy is a married lady and lives 7,000 Miles away. What should i do lamely in Oakland dear lonely please stay away from school playgrounds. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe boo or to get free Unk in the mall and his world famous we Are the weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs p o Box 2002, Dallas to 75221 Joe Bob s fax Ime is always open 214 368-2310somalia Landing offers Hope but Why Are we there Linda Ellerbee the United states marines had landed 1,800 of them the first of 30,000 troops most of them american on a Mission of mercy to a starving land. Thousands of somalis met the marines Happy to see them grateful they were there. Millions of us watched at Home on clevis on proud that our country had come to guard the deliveries of food and medical supplies that have been held hostage to these thousands of armed bullies. The opening moves of operation restore Hope appeared to go off like clockwork. It was a sight to see. Its also a Little More than that. What we were and Are watching is the american military seeking to redefine itself for the �?T90s. Searching for a new Mission As it were. Since Vietnam the reluctance of the military to get engage has become almost legendary. During the Reagan and Bush administrations it was usually the state department arguing for intervention and the defense department arguing against it a kind of reverse in the traditional roles of diplomacy and military. You have to believe that the military was reluctant to get involved in this one too. For one thing the Specter of the Beirut bombing hangs Over Somalia the idea of still More american marines being killed by what arc essentially terrorists holds no Joy for anyone. And there arc parallels. We go in to be peacekeepers but wind up being seen by one Side or the other As an adversary. What a More from the american soldiers perspective a they can to Tell who the bad Guys Are. The bad Guys done to Wear uniforms. They could be anybody. And they can and will kill you. Another thing. There Are no american interests in Somalia. In theory that too was one of the lessons the United states took from Vietnam a never become involved when american interests arc not at stake because when americans Start getting killed its going to translate to Zero Public support. So what has changed Why Are we there apart from perfectly Good humanitarian reasons Colin Powell and the other smart Guys know that Money for the military is going to be Cut but they Don t want to be gutted and unless they can come up with a new definition of their role that a pretty much what a going to happen. That a Why we re in Somalia. Its All part of our new Mission. You la notice the europeans did no to step up to the plate. The French have legionnaires in Djibouti and they re sending 2,000 to join this Force now a but where were these Guys a month ago its typical that everyone bitches but no one else wanted to go help those people. I believe we re in Somalia for one other reason. George Bush the foreign policy president wants to go out on this particular note. The timing was totally under his control. He could have sent these troops in six months ago but that was during an election Campaign and therefore far to risky. This Way he gets the credit for going in to save a starving nation and leaves the cleanup to Bill Clinton. I find this completely consistent with the Way Bush ran his administration and his Campaign. Is that cynical of me not As much As its c cynical of him. King features Snoa Eto december 20, 1002 bugday Page 21