European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 20, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Honey the kid blew up himself Dave Barry if you re planning a party for your 12-Ycar-old child my main piece of advice is allow plenty of time for the cat scan. I Learned this important parenting lesson recently when my son Rob decided he wanted to celebrate his 12th birthday by holding a dance party. So we rented a Hall used for exercise classes and hired a disc jockey. A i wont play anything with dirty words a the disc jockey assured us. A unless of course you want me to a our plan was to decorate the Hall with crepe streamers and helium filled balloons so several hours before the party we went to a store that rented helium tanks. The Man asked us whether we needed a Small medium or Large tank. A Large a said Rob instantly. Bonus tip for parents never allow your child to make a decision regarding helium tank size. We ended up staggering out to the car with a helium tank the size of a Polaris missile but heavier. It was the same size tank that Goodyear rents to refill the Blimp. We lugged this into the dance Hall where Beth and i began putting up streamers while Rob and a Friend set about the task of not filling balloons with helium. The reason they were not doing this is that they were too Busy doing what Young people always do when they get hold of helium namely inhaling it and then talking in Donald Duck voices. What fun to was such fun that Rob did it a number of times in a Row. The problem was that helium does not contain any oxygen which is one of the minimum daily nutritional requirements recommended by the american medical association for growing children. Parenthood is not unlike the space Mountain ride at Disney world in the sense that both experiences involve zooming along in a Carefree manner then suddenly having your stomach collapse like a stomped on Dixie cup by violent unexpected High Speed turns. One minute Beth and i were putting up streamers while our child was talking like Donald Duck the next minute he had keeled Over taking care to honk his head against the Concrete Wall on the Way Down and was on the floor forehead bleeding body twitching spasmodically in what we later found out is called an a a anoxia  yes sir this was shaping up As the most exciting birthday party Ever Topping even the one wherein we filled the wading Pool with jello Rob quickly regained consciousness and appeared to be thinking clearly a to Gonna miss my party a. Beth and i agreed that since it was too late to Tell the party guests not to come shed stay at the dance Hall. I took Rob to the Hospital emergency room where a Nice medical person assured me that children Are always injuring themselves immediately before carefully planned family events and that Many families traditionally celebrate All their important occasions right there in the emergency room. Another Nice medical person informed me that Rob needed a cat scan and a plastic surgeon to sew up his forehead Gash and that these things plus the paperwork could easily take four or five hours. So i explained that this was medical emergency meaning that in one hour Beth would be a Lone 45-year-old woman in a darkened Hall containing 10 Large pizzas a disc jockey born in 1971 and 40 hormonally crazed 12-year-Olds. Realizing the extreme medical seriousness of this situation the emergency room Crew swung into action and within minutes Rob was strapped into the cat scan machine a device that looks like it was designed to beam people to the planet Foobar provided they have medical insurance. A medical person named really or. Gallow used this machine to look inside Robes Skull. He let me see the pictures. A they Rob a i said. A it turns out you have a brain a a shut up dad a he said from inside the cat scan machine. I done to know where he gets this flippant attitude. Anyway the cat scan was negative meaning in laypersons terms positive so it was time for the plastic surgeon to sew up Robes forehead. This 1 % turned out to be a simple procedure although the next time Rob needs it i intend to request total anaesthesia for myself. We raced Back to the dance Hall and got there just As the party started. A sympathetic exercise class had helped Beth finish decorating the Hall and it looked great just like the Junior prom with enough Reserve helium to fill approximately 375 million More balloons should we need them. Robes friends All gathered around to hear what happened and Admire his injury and the Cool bloodstains on his shirt. The do turned his amplifier volume Knob to a kill zone and started playing the kind of music that Young people like today meaning in laypersons terms ugly. After a while Beth said a you know the do said head play some  then we both voiced the same chilling thought a maybe these Are the  but the kids liked the music. Some of the boys even stopped punching each other and danced with girls. Beth and i sat in the next room watching the kids marvelling at their Energy pondering the fact that Rob was a year older. Whereas we had picked up at least five years apiece. The Miami Herald  Mil itary life in Europe by Charles Kaufman Page 28 a sunday december 20. 1902