European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 3, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Page 20 Wasny to Dave Barry b y the time 1 saw Larry King interview the Snake my brain was a whimpering wad of useless tissue. I had been on a Book pro motion tour for several weeks following. The Standard Book tour schedule which is designed by publicity experts who do not believe in letting you fritter away valuable time on non promotional activities such As eating and sleeping. I d be in say Seattle and id ask Quot do you think i could go to. The bathroom a and the publicity people would frown at the schedule and say a no today. Maybe in. Los but the hectic Pace was Wor i it because of Alt the terrific Book publicity i was generating on radio and to shows. Quot so Dave Quot the hosts Wou a say. A what do you think of Madonna a Book a that s right through a stroke of Good Fortune my Book came out on the same Day As Madonna s Book. Smut. I want to stress that in a not at All bitter about this nor about the fact that Madonna probably gets to go to the bathroom whenever she wants and has sold Way More books than i have even though her Book costs As much As two salad shooters arid is nothing but pornographic photo. Graphs that decent people such As myself and the Rev. Pat Robertson would never dream of looking at especially not the one where she son the trapeze expressing the literary theme a take a Gander at these so of Madonna gets to be Rich and naked. But she did not get to have my Book tour memories. A in a in a Detroit radio station Early in the morning am awake slurping Coffee and listening to Denny Mclain. He won 31 games for the Detroit tigers in 1968, and now he a a radio personality at tempting to interview me about my Book which he in compliance with the radio and to personality code of ethics has not read or even seen. But he s a Good Guy and he a giving it his Best shot Reading a press release provided by the publicity people. A in his latest Book a he reads Quot Dave takes on the mysterious what the very bad word Are we doing Here Quot Lurk a i respond spitting my Coffee onto that control panel because this is a Surprise question. Fortunately it turns out that Denny is talking to his Engineer about a technical problem and this interview is being taped so we Are not broadcasting bad words to greater Detroit. Although it occurs to me that he has hit upon the ultimate Book tour question what the very bad word Are we doing Here a now i m in Boston being interviewed by a woman from a Cable to station with an annual production budget that i would estimate at $4.50. I m sitting to the interviewers right. To her left playing on the floor out of camera Range Are her two Daugh ters Ages about 3 and 5. They re not getting along. Quot so a the woman says to me Quot Tell me Why you wrote this Quot Well a i say and suddenly i m talking to the Back of her head because the instant the camera zoomed in on me she whirled around to face her daughters. A Stop that a she is hissing at them. A you Stop that right now a Quot. Basically a i m saying to the Back of her head Quot my goal was a you put that Barbie Down a she is his sing. A that is not your Barbie a. A now i m in a Washington d.g., to studio waiting to go on Larry King live watching Larry interview a Man who has brought on a variety of wild animals including fierce predatory Birds. I done to know Why. Maybe the Birds Are running for Prest. Dent. In a too tired to ask. Larry a Brooklyn boy whose upbringing did not involve any wild creatures larger than cockroaches does not seem pleased about the animals. Usually he leans Forward Over his microphone asking questions directly into the guests nasal passages but tonight with these extremely irate looking Birds standing on his desk looking like they a like to Peck somebody a eyeballs out Larry is sitting straight up. ,. He starts to lean backward a Little bit when the animal Man produces some kind of Large cat which stalks around the desk in a predatory manner. Then the animal Man produces a Snake approx. Mately the size of the Hudson River. Larry this is a Boa Constrictor Man yes. Larry it kills people. J Man yes. A these Are just a few of my fond Book tour memories. I could recount More a including the one about the woman who during a san Francisco radio show i was on won two free tickets to a concert by displaying her nipple rings in the studio a but i need some sleep. In closing i just want to stress that despite my peevish tone earlier in this column i do not begrudge Madonna her Success with her Book. Although it does tick me off that according to today a new York times the Snake has a Best seller. Tho Miami Herald. . Military life in by Charles Kaufman look at what so a in and a out Quot in the military. Out women in combat. In Gay men in combat out going try to Kuwait. In going try to Zagreb or Somalia out camouflage Green helmets. In United nations Blue helmets. Out military recruitment commercials Onan to. In transitioning out of the military commercials on an to. Out Reagan Bush military buildup in Clinton military budget cutting. Out getting a civilian Job working for the military on your qualifications. In getting a civilian Job working for the military by who you know. Out costly Low tech troops. In costly High tech weapons systems. Out inquiries by the a act about racial discrimination in the military. In inquiries by the Gay lesbian coalition group about homosexual discrimination in the military. Out sitting at Home on weekends. In sightseeing in Europe before you Are sent Back to the states. Out hoping the military wont Cut any More troops in Europe. In wondering How Low and How Quick troops will be Cut out buying big ticket items. In saving your Money in Case you get Rife. Out air Force uniforms that look like bus Driver s suits. In air Force uniforms that look like airline flight attendant suits out promises there would be no change in military health care. In being treated european civilian / Hospital. Out complaining. In complaining. A sunday january 3. 1993
