European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 31, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse As exciting As sorting through this simile contest James j. Kitpatrick the writer s Arta after the count passed 4,500, we kind of lost track. The thing got out of hand. By thing j mean the great simile contest of 1993. The idea was to submit similes for slender and to my Delight readers the Challenge like tropical fish at feeding time. By my final More or less accurate count 5,019 readers took part. Almost everyone had a go at both slender and exciting and most contestants submitted four or five similes in each division. Hopeful women and a noteworthy Way to get smart Tony Kornheiser Rhonda Weld. Connie Stevens. Jayne Mansfield. Mar Ilia rave. Joey Heather Tori. Jill St. John. Lana Turner. Cathy Lee Crosby Anita Bryant. Zsa Zsa Gabor. These arc Many of the women who As i recall accompanied Bob Hope to his Uso shows in War Over the last 50 years. I mention this because a scandalous new biography just came out written by Marx s son shut pro Marx i believe say ing that 1 Lope often chose his female co stars on on the basis of who would sleep with him and that he and Bing Crosby shared celebrity babes i hiring the shooting of their Many movies i lie i Sodom now 1 am no fan of slea Beall kiss and Tell Jour n Ili Mii and i Leel we should neat this Mimi posted Illey. Ilion with i a kept Siul i Ive Hob 1 Lone the very embodiment of Hok i in american humor and one of my most Chi i ubi v in. H is v. He to one gentlewoman in san Antonio sent in 1.72 entries. My guess is that i looked at 20,000 similes All told and if i never again Sec As a Blade of grass that will be too soon. Let Rue end the awful suspense. The Winner in the slender contest is Auburna Bonnell of mount pleasant Mich she submitted 71 entries among them a Young woman As slender As Cinderella s the simile struck the judges As just about perfect. It evoked a familiar image it had a Nice Echo effect in slender and cinder and it was packed As tightly As the meat in a Coconut. These were the honorable mentions scan Thomas Tucson ariz., for an image of impatient school children waiting in line like a Row of slender saplings on a Windy Howard Olson Tryon ., As slender As a Well Mary Lee Seattle As slender As the Cusp of a Crescent Donna Herndon Kannapolis , for the envious image of a woman As slender As your Hus band s old judging the slender entries was relatively easy. Judging the exciting entries was tougher. At least a thousand contestants tried As exciting As the first another thousand opted for As exciting As a baby s first yet another thousand sought inspiration in sports As exciting As a goal line Fum ble Hole in one grand slam in the ninth and a 5 Pound fish on a 2-ounce line. These we set aside. Roughly half the entries in cach contest were Sim Issue this Heartfelt plea to or. Hope of god please please say it was t Martha Raye or Zsa Zsa thank you. Bob the Stilt Hope. Wow. Thanks for the mama varies in other urgent matters we learn that researchers at the University of California at Irvine have deter mined that 10 minutes of listening to a Mozart piano sonata raised the measurable in of College students up to nine Points this is the end for Stanley Kaplan. Why would you need to sit in a Stuffy classroom sur rounded by other pimply geeks for five hours each saturday to Bone up for the sats when you could simply plug in a Casetty and 10 minutes later you la know the capital of Mongolia the Only problem is that the effects of the listen ing Wear off quickly. You become smarter but Only for 15 minutes approximately the same length of time Joe Piscopo was famous. Tony Why Are you being so cruel to Joe Piscopo ? Why do you always pick on him ? because he is such a Doof. Of of. Anyway if you have to take a big test remember to raise your hand and Tell the Proctor that you re taking a diuretic and you often must go to the Bath room. That Way you can sneak into the bathroom and play More Mozart and come out knowing the president who followed William 1 Lenry Harrison. The Only possible drawback Here with Mozart is the system Falls apart if your in is too Low to begin with. Beavis look at my Board scores 420. That sucks. 1 hey said we d do great if we listened to Mozart butt head Mozart those tapes weren t Mozart he bats his forehead i thought you said la Cool rank l Rush def a conf ice milk featuring at of a Dud Beavis of. Cool. Erh eth Erh cry. A be if i listen to More Mozart i could under stand our foreign policy. I think that May be the trouble. Clinion s Liste Piv to Billy Ray Cyrus. Take Somalia for exam e. Wetyhe Iet Point to to Deli or free food. Vio would t so tree to of and do i died it m of Toifl have to to in the sandstorm. The thin. Of know they in Drai i Iii one of Tanir s i. D so and Iles sarcastic As distinguished from similes straight. One of the runners up for slender was As slender As Rosc Annc Arnold in a string Arnold Fig ured in several Hundred such slanderous compari sons. Sumo wrestlers also Werc big. The winning entry in the exciting division came from Dorothy Cole of Charlotte She found something As exciting As a poached at one. Time or another almost everyone has Kwi Keinat poached egg. Kind of grabs you does nor these were the honorable mentions from Gryffyd Dempsey of Portland ore., As exciting As an Island on the from Margaret Black of Worthington Ohio As exciting As 20 minutes on a stationary from William Barney of Orchard Park n.y., As exciting As a race Between the Tortoise and an other from Rosanne Hudson of Portland ore., As exciting As a big truck to a Small from Jameson Todd of Biloxi miss., As exciting As the first time she whispered unhook my Bra " from an unidentified seventh grader in the St. Lorenz lutheran school Frankenmuth mich., As exciting As Reading the Side of a Cereal the winners in each Competition will receive checks for $50 each. The honorable mentions will receive Fame glory and everlasting International re Nown. Who could ask for anything More Universal press synd Cato up Bob Hope and i 1 St. Joh j before boarding this military Jet for a far East Christmas tour in 1964. Naked through the streets and s wrong i h this picture what we have Here apparently is the Brand new Domino we re Dominos. We re bringing them free pizza. And they re killing the pizza Man. What s the problem it did t get there within 30minutes? in t there something else they would have settled Lor somewhere Between $3 off and homicide extra cheese Green peppers. Something. U la milk the pizza Man ? getting Back to Mozart this California study is going to provide a huge Windfall for unscrupulous marketeers who will pitch Mozart related Merchan Dise to anxious Yuppie parents already fretting about what College their children will attend even though the kids Are still in fast Grade. What fun to see them bang their Heads against their sub Zero re f i aerators and moan about All the time wasted Mak inc Ashley and will listen to the hideous Raffi i predict Raisin brain the Cereal. Tiv. I a i i
