European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 31, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Trying to stomach the Middle of cow country Dave Barry lately a lot of Media attention has been focused on the Mideast so i Felt that i would be a Good idea to go out and personally review the situation in the mid West. Here is my report Friday i arrive in Champaign iii., and proceed to the University of Illinois agriculture school which i am Able to locate easily because i have Clear directions plus i can smell it. I am greeted by Dan Vobr and Jeana Mcallister two Alert readers who wrote letter claiming that the University has cows with re search portholes installed in their sides. Enclosed with the letter was a photograph of Dan with his right Arm up to his shoulder inside a cow. I m not sure that i should shake his hand. Dan and Jana introduce me to George Fahey professor of animal sciences who informs me that the holes arc installed because scientists Are very interested in finding out what goes on inside the cow digestive system. I already know what goes on cows convert grass into cow poop. But i m not going to spoil the Surprise for scientists Fahey leads me to a cow named , who is very Large a cud chewing aircraft Carrier. In fuss budget s left Side is a porthole maybe 8 inches in diameter with a rubber plug in it. Fahey tells me that fuss budget does t mind the porthole but i m not so sure. If i were a huge hoofed animal and humans had put a porthole in my stomach i d pre tend not to mind but i d definitely be plotting to stomp some random human until he had no More skeletal Structure than a bag of grits. What gender is fuss budget i ask. He used to be a boy says Laura Bauer a lab technician. So fuss budget has two reasons to want revenge. Now Bauer is removing fuss budget s plug. And now she is reaching into the Hole. You can see what he just ate says Bauer pull ing out dark Green material. Gack i remark. But it s Clear that these people expect me to put my hand inside the cow. Apparently this is a traditional agricultural gesture of hospitality. I put on a Long plastic Glove and approach fuss budget who is eyeing me with a giant cow eyeball. I have nothing to do with agriculture i Tell him. Squinting hard now i stick my hand into the mass of dark Green glop. It feels to use a scientific term really Yucky in there. It s also warm. In fact it s Al most hot. Plus i can smell methane. Fearing an explosion scientists Call this the big Mooi pull my Arm out. This is when Tom Nash manager of the beef re search farm tells me about a recent incident where a 4-h club was checking out fuss budget s Interior and fuss budget coughed and a Young Man standing in front of the porthole was covered with stomach contents. If he had a Date that night says Nash he did t a a i say backing away from the Hole. The new cartoon Welcome to Wiley s non sequin in the latest Addi Tion to sunday Magazine. The cartoon replaces , military life in Europe whose author Charles Kaufman has decided he no longer has time to draw his weekly satire. Wiley s Stork already appears in the san Francisco examiner the press Democrat of Santa Rosa ?%jif., and the Greensboro . News & record among other newspapers. He says he labels his strip von sequitur because of the meaning a conclusion or inference that does i leave the University of Illinois with a new appreciation of the benefits that agriculture will someday provide especially in the Field of interrogating Cap tured spies. Tell us who your Contact is we have ways to make this cow cough saturday i am now of Miles Down the Road in Arcola iii., to attend the annual Broom Corn festival. Arcola has Long been a major Power in the Broom Industry. It also boasts the world s largest rocking chair the world s largest collection of brooms and brushes and the world s Only combination Bowling Alley and Gour met French restaurant. Am not making any of this up. I am Here to March in the Broom Corn Parade with Arcola s world famous Lawn rangers a top precision Lawn Mower Drill team. This is my third year As a Ranger. I be tried to talk my wife into going to the Broom Corn festival with me but she resists. It s just a Bunch of Guys who drink Beer and push Lawn mowers around and act juvenile she says. Yes i say not understanding her Point. Anyway the rangers do More than just push Lawn mowers we also carry brooms and we perform precision Broom and Lawn Mower a Nevers such As the extremely difficult for us any Way Cross and plus this year we Are March ing with get ready a 10-foot-High painted Concrete statue of Clvis. It belongs to Clark and. Sandy Stafford of Seneca 111., and it is available for rent. It s mounted on a trailer facing backward and it weighs 5,000 pounds almost As much As the King himself near the end. It s difficult using Mere words to describe the scene As the rangers More than 50 Strong stride in two columns Down the Parade route pushing our mowers in front of us raising our brooms on High at the command brooms up meanwhile bringing up the rear glinting in the midwestern Sun is Elvis giant Concrete butt. The Miami Herald by Al a not follow from the premises. Such is the premise of this comic strip. Humor knows no Bounds arid neither do my a native of California Wiley Miller grew up in the Washington d.c., area and lives ii Iowa City Iowa. In 1991, he won the prestigious Robert f. Kennedy journalism award for editorial cartooning. A cd of r
