European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 25, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Voices Texas recall of its the value Joe bos Briggs goes to the drive in of might be heard about this. Some of my fellow baptists Down in round Rock Texas the immortal Birthplace of the Texas Chainsaw massacre decided they done to really want Apple computer to be building a big factory Down there bringing in 1,500 jobs and you know Why because those Heathen computer nerds from the Silicon Valley give the same health benefits to people living in sin even the ones who Are homosexual Lis aardvarks that they give to healthy Chevy Nova Daiyin family a Lues spouting Tjanos that have lived on the same land for 150 years and think that makes Mem smart. Evidently the county commissioners of Williamson county believe that there has never been a Homo or a Lesbo anywhere inside the county and so they denied Apple a $750,000 tax. Break that they had a read promised Mem. They even had a big meeting with people screaming Quot Williamson county was not founded on Samc sex lovers and live in one of the weasel commissioners David Hays changed his mind at the last minute and cast the deciding vote against Apple and then said Quot if i had voted yes i would have had to walk into my Church with people saying a there is the Man who brought homosexuality to Williamson a obviously Apple was a Little . When you get right Down to the Bottom of it it s those county commissioners who Arentt really texans. Otherwise they would know the following facts that have existed since the Alamo and be fore first Texas is made up entirely of people who got kicked out of every decent state in the Union. That a the Only reason anybody would come there before air conditioning was invented. Second we accepted every misfit no questions asked even including pc pie from California. Heck we accepted murderers As Long As they did t talk about it too much. Meanwhile any homosexual couples that happen to be passing through Texas and Are getting a Little scared by the vibes come crash in the Back room of my trailer. It creaks in the wind but my Shotgun is two seconds away. Speaking of Rhodes scholars rampaging through the Countryside the creators of Beach babes from beyond Are the same folks who brought us full Moon entertainment Home of such drive in classics As puppet master Pollman tracers demonic toys and or mordred. And now they be created a whole new company called torchlight entertainment which judging by their first release will be putting out movies full of wooden Marble mouthed half Nek kid Bikini models spouting lines like a you gotta see the donuts not just the in other words my Kinda movies. Beach babes from beyond Isth old familiar Story of three to can age girls front another planet who steal their parents to Bird spaceship and crash land on a California Beach where Joe a nepotism Many Estevez is an aging surfer and Joey a nepotism boy Travolta is a retired rocket scientist who runs a health food stand. The outer space bimbos pose As swedish Exchange students and 2aniness ensues while Burt Quot yes i was Robin Quot Ward stumbles around in the background of a Bikini contest for no apparent reason. Thirty two breasts. Multiple aardvark ing. One Shower scene. No plot to get in the Way of the Story. Drive in Academy award nominations for Alcan Der Sachs the writer whose idea of a transition is having somebody say a would you mind if i sat in on your Catalon photo session a arid Linnea Quigley the immortal scream Queen As the Rich Landlady who says a this is a swimsuit Catalon shoot not Hus tier a. A three stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the Moonlit drive in on the general Lee Highway Between Bristol tenn., and Abingdon va., is still doing great business and continues to sport a Beautiful Neon marquee on the Back of the screen and Btu domed lights atop each speaker Post. Todd Wyatt of Bristol reminds us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Hey Joe Bob it said in the paper that americans prefer Jane Fonda s groceries to Madonna a mostly on the grounds of health. I want to know what does it have to do with health and whose groceries would you go for. Fernando Hamilton. San Francisco dear Fernando. Between Madonna and Jane Fonda that a like asking a Man whether he prefers to have All his fingernails ripped out or to be jabbed in the stomach with a hot fire poker. Just thinking about it is painful. To Joe Bob. I was born in Lubbock Texas Home town of buddy Holly. 1 have often thought that Benjamin a Bug syn Siegel should be considered an honorary texan what Are your thoughts on this alien Ray Hall fort Bragg Calif. Dear Allen Ray bugs created vegas. Texans gave vegas Alt their Money. You re right. Dear Joe Bob you know Joe Bob today a society is a far cry from the simple old Days of convertibles drive ins and Hooter heaven in the Buck scats. And what did they leave us nothing but a shopping mall far Cade fun land blowing Cement pouring steel gird ered 20th Century manipulation of our resources fun and less big screen bodacious by spacious pack your friends in the trunk double triple quadruple dusk till Dawn features nonstop necking and petting fun of the High Quality critically acclaimed blockbuster movie Mecca of our time the drive ins. Thanks for keeping the drive alive a airman 1st class Todd Halstead . Air Force Raf Lakenheath England dear Todd noticed All that land they got in Scotland couple of poles big White screen. Creators Syndicate dreaming of a fils Nicole Posey Sarah Bellomo and Tamara Landry Star in Beach babes from beyond. Not a practical one Linda Ellerbee to discuss the meaning of Lite with Joe Bob of to get tree junk in the mail and Joe Bob s world Lamous newsletter write Joe Bob in Gros. To. To 2002 Dallas Texas 76221. Joe Bob lax line is always open 214 3 5s-2310. D car Santa yes its me again and yes i still want the know in a 49 years old and this is the 45th Christmas in be asked for a Pony but hey nobody else has come through with one which says a lot about what some people done to understand when it comes to giving gifts. Make that most people but not Etc Inbody. I remember Johnny Hanson. We were 8 years old the Christmas Johnny gave me the Gold Bracelet with Blue and White stones that in the right Light could not be told from real sapphires and diamonds. My Mother Niada me return the Bracelet. She said it Wasny to appropriate. She was right but that was what made it so wonderful. 1 when you grow up this Christmas gift thing gets worse especially if you re a a a today kind of woman. Well intentioned people give you a briefcase so you la have something appropriate to take with you every morning to the supreme court or a food processor so you la have something appropriate to do when you get Home from the supreme court or a word processor for your weekends. Sometimes if they really love you they also toss in a Large unwieldy contraption that allows you to push a 30-Pound child in front of you while you run somewhere. Once a Man i loved gave me a microwave for Christmas we lasted another six months. I recall another Christmas a and another Man. 1 in was a cameraman. I was a reporter. We worked for the same network and had been carrying on for most of the 1980 election year travelling i done to know How Many Miles following candidate. Ronald Reagan. When the Campaign was Over and Christmas came along i received a beautifully wrap Ped gift from my cameraman. A now this a i said to myself Quot must contain a gift As romantic As our year and it did if you consider 500 miniature bars of soap from All the hotels and motels wed stayed at during the Campaign to be romantic. When i told my pal Nadine about the microwave and the soap,.she said that was nothing. The same Christmas i got my soup she got a smoke Detector. Ladies i ask you is this Progress please understand in be nothing against briefcases food processors word processors microwaves or smoke detectors. In be really nothing against Lawn mowers either. But this is All wrong. Christmas is a time of and for dreams. A time for magic. A children understand this instinctively. That a Why a Little girl i know wants a computer for Christmas. To a 7-year-old, a computer is magic. And that a Why i want a Porky. Please try to get it right this tune Santa. But if you done to Well ill understand because i am 49 years old a old enough to know that when those things happen or done to happen there a Only one thing to say. Right Santa i know you know what i mean. So if when you get to our House this year you find instead of a Glass of milk and plate of sugar cookies a Glass of gatorade a multipurpose Vitamin and a new fan Belt for your Sleigh just repeat after me and so it hoho hos. King features Syndicate december 26. 1993 sunday Page 17
