European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 25, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Words amp wit running the Gamut James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Art i Ime for pc Nancy. As a columnist i goofed repeatedly in 1993. Like the penitent Daniel i must put on sackcloth and ashes and Pray for forgiveness. This was the worst of my boners in August i w Rote a column on distinctions. By Way of example i said that writers should get straight on a mental illness. Then i quoted the dictionary definitions of such terms As Moron imbecile and idiot unwittingly i gave great offence. William busing of Knoxville president of the Tennessee Alliance for the mentally Iii wrote to say that Quot mental illness Quot and Quot mental retardation Are differ ent things. Professor Richard Dever of Indiana University wrote to the same effect Quot mental retardation is not an illness at he added that to knowledgeable person has used the dictionary definitions for Many years. Fifty other readers deplored my Reno Ranee. None of my other goofs of the year were quite so Bod but they were bad enough. In july i wrote a column that began a my theme for the Day is careless Ness a then i Tut tufted a headline writer on the Island packet of Hilton head . Alas Hilton head is not in North Carolina it is in South Carolina. 1 had visited there the week before. The error was careless. Careless a few More ashes please. The curse of carelessness fell upon me heavily in october. I was writing about Quot wrong in Florida an Interior decorator spoke of Quot blues that will run the gambit from Crystal Clear to Bright sky blue.1 obviously Quot gambit was the wrong word. What was the right word 1 hazarded guess that the decorator meant a a Gauntlet a As in the Gauntlet of the infamous Tail Hook convention. More than a Hundred readers have told me that obviously the elusive word was How could i have missed it just went Blank that Sall. Thinking of ignorance As i was a moment ago i wrote a column in which i asserted merrily that the a tinkling cymbals of 1 corinthians 13 1 was Neof those brass instruments Quot that life interesting in the timpani it Isnit the Quot timpani its the percussion Section. A timpani St beats on Kettle Drums. Someone else is in charge of the cymbals which come in sizes Small medium and Large. From time to time i fairly Bellow about the mis spelling of latin plurals. I should be bellowing at me. In a september column on fad words a Toadstool words that Spring up for a season a i asked readers to report Quot such linguistic Floral to me. Billy Kutulas of Hartwell ga., was the first of Many readers to remind me that the plural of Quot Floral is either Quot floras or v i did it again in october when i wrote about a prisoner who had Quot fractured a cervical Peter Reiser of Arden ., advised me tersely that we have one Vertebra and two vertebrae. I know this. Honest i know this. Careless no excuse sir. Could the tailor let out the sackcloth it s a bit snug around the Waist. In april i had reason to quote the pledge of allegiance to Quot one nation under nope. William Oughterson of Stuart fla., was the first to remind me that there s no comma in that phrase. It s a one nation under god indivisible a and so on. In March in a column about newly coined words i raised an Eyebrow at the report of a cruise ship that had gone aground off the Massachusetts coast. The reporter said the ship s Hull was Quot holed in two that employment of Quot holed was a new one on me but not on Debra Chambers of Seattle she and others informed me that in the maritime world a a holed is indeed a familiar word. The ill fated Exxon Valdez was a holed in 11 i shall not sin again in this regard. Thus humbled and remorseful i enter the new year with a penitents admonition done to do As i do gentle readers just do As i say. Universal press Syndicate vile Vladimir s of a politician Tony Kornheiser not much really exciting in the news. A lot of to hummers. Taking a Quick scan of the headlines we be got the Hubble Telescope repairs Are completed. The Trade Accord is signed. Les Aspin is replaced As Secretary of defense. Christmas gifts Are purchased by president Clinton in new York. A new Hitler emerges As the Darling of russian voters tentative peace settlement is reached Between the British and Irish. Excuse me Anthony. Are you sure a of them Are to Hummer you re right. The Clinton Christmas gift Story is. Pretty significant because not Only Are the presents he bought particularly lame a what kind of wuss gift is Quot a silk Scarf adapted from Matisse a the red room Quot when for the same Money he could have gotten Sega genesis a but now that All six gifts were reported in the papers no one on his list will be surprised. And Only six gifts i guess that leaves Les Aspin High and dry. No you Moron one of the other stories. Which one licit Vladimir of yes. It seems the Good people of Russia in. Their blushing Romance with democracy have voted for a Complete whack Job giving Vladimir a the refrigerator a Mirinovsky s Ultra nationalistic party More votes than Joe Dimaggio got for the Hall of Fame. Although now to keep every . Company from leaving Russia by noon american spin doctors Are trying to make it look like a Mirinovsky really had Only eight votes and All those other votes weren t actually for him but for Vladimir Shirin Grobsky a poet and swimming instructor. This is designed to Calm our fears. In the late returns from ballot boxes the russians borrowed from Chicago pro Yeltsin reformers like Shirin Grobsky received Many More votes than originally had been recorded and they out polled the new Hitler. In the very late returns which will be announced in next tuesdays David Letterman show a Mirinovsky will be downgraded to a tropical depression. A in the meantime lets pretend that Vladimir Quot in a putting the Musk Back in muscovites Quot a Mirinovsky is going to do exactly what he says he a going to do a become president of Russia. This is apparently his platform 1. Kill jews. 2. Kill japanese. 3. Institute agrarian Reform. 4. Kill germans. A a. What a Hoot this a Mirinovsky is. Of am i laughing. Stop Vladimir you re killing me. No Vladimir. Put away your scimitar. That is just an expression. And what a Snappy Dresser after 24 percent of the russian electorate voted for him a and others 1 suppose wrote in pol pot and Lex Luthor a he shows up at the press conference wearing a Tuxedo and a cummerbund. Like Bert Parks a there she is miss what a left of Dusseldorf Quot a a a of did i mention he also wants Alaska Back yes. Alaska. Our 49th state he wants it Back a a a. Here a a Sample of what this funny Man a Mirinovsky says Quot we will create new Hiroshima and naga Sakis. I will not hesitate to deploy nuclear weapons. You will get your own chernobyl in Germany Quot am i crazy or does that sound like a Guy who has spent too much time dancing Kanachki in a room with four foot ceilings in be noticed that in some segments of our responsible objective deferential press this Guy is referred to As Quot or. A Mirinovsky Quot a politician a As though he were Richard Gephardt or something. We do this in the press. We arc impressed by officialdom. We politely refer to Saddam Hussein As the Quot president Quot of Iraq like he started out by winning the new Hamp or. Zhivago no or. A Mirinovsky Shire primary and then was nominated on the third ballot in Houston. You done to become president of Iraq by doing Well in key electoral states. You become president of Iraq by clubbing the other candidates with baseball bats and picking your Teeth with their Bones. The one exception to this Rule of journalistic deference was Idi Amin whom the american press described As a Buffoon right from the Start. We All a laughed at Idi. Big fat Idi Riding around in his Mercedes. A a a. Amin talked glowingly about Hitler and about bombing people but where was he going to Eft he bomb Well a Mirinovsky does not have this Little problem. When he says a let s do launch a its not an invitation to eat blinds. This Guy is the Best news for the Pentagon since Whitaker Chambers buried atomic secrets in a pumpkin. Even As we speak the generals Are submitting a supplemental budget to Congress requesting $46 trillion for a plutonium powered nuclear bazookas. The boys in the Pentagon Are High living each other. They re Back in fat City. Anyway i Don t want to panic anyone needlessly. Perhaps Vladimir Quot incoming a a Mirinovsky is just another windbag who la disappear into history. Belter that than taking All of history with him. The Washington Post 20 sunday december 26, 1993
