European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 23, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse This solid simile contest is a laughing matter James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Arth Ere we again. It s time for the great simile contest of 1994. Boot up your computers and Sharpen your pencils All you students of the writing Art and try your hand for Fame and Fortune. Not much Fortune but abundant Fame. This year we seek original similes in two general Fields solidity and laughter. By solidity we mean things that Are hard As Rock or solid As Mush. A politician s support could be solid. Marriage could be solid. A bowl of grits is not solid. By laughter we mean to embrace similes for the Giggle the Guffaw the belly laugh and the smile in All its infinite variations. As funny As canned laugh Ter a Giggle like a Solo for flute who or what lacks a sense of humor these Are the rules for 1994 your simile must be contained within a sen tence e,g., she gave him a look that was As hard As t a burned every contestant May submit Only one simile for something solid and Only one simile involving laugh Ter. It would be a convenience if these were on Sepa rate sheets of paper but we run a Loose ship and no one will be disqualified on a technicality. Send individual and classroom entries to the writer s Art Box 957, Charleston . 29402. Dead line nov. 26. V. " prizes for individual contestants no students$100 for the Best simile in the solidity division $100 for the Best simile involving laughter. For class rooms $ Loti for the Best All around class entry from elementary and Middle schools one simile per Stu Dent and $100 for the Best All a found class entry from a High school one simile per student. Be sure to include name address and Telephone number. Classroom teachers should let me know the Grade level and the name and address of the school. That s about the size of it. Last year 5,019 individuals and classrooms submitted entries. We wound up with More than 20,000 similes for slender and exciting and the judging was close. As slender As Cinderella s ankle won in the slender division As exciting As a poached egg took the other prize. Originality counts most of All. In their 1991 collection of similes Mike and Elyse Sommer catalogued a few similes for novelist Mary Stewart spoke of bread As hard As . White looked at soil As hard As a Bowling Russell Baker of the new York times had a splendid sentence americans like their fish and too Fried hard As a bulletproof a few others Emerson wrote of words As hard As Dickens evidently was the first to speak of something hard As Shakespeare was t especially original hard As steel would have been his. Entry. Other writers have come up with hard As Green apples hard As an egg at easter and hard As a billiard a few words of advice writers who write Good similes have Learned to look intently at the world around them. It is from this constant absorbed observation that images and comparisons emerge. We look intently at fallen leaves what do we see what exactly do we see what Are the colors of autumn Are the Maple s leaves As red As a Toreador s Cape As red As lipstick fire wagons Ketchup the Best similes Are Brief similes. Last year s con test brought a simile for exciting As exciting As a double match Point at the . Open in Flushing the final prepositional phrase in flush ing Meadow was redundant. When similes run on and on they Jose their Impact. Every word should contribute to the image being formed. Aj1 set what is solid stones Walls biceps Cin de blocks or what is soft jello Spring rain a child s kiss let us listen intently to the sound of laughter. What arouses mirth when we hear laugh Ter at a dinner party what Are we reminded of do horses laugh How do horses laugh one More reminder Complete sentences. Let the fish Fry proceed Universal press Syndicate. Buy computer plug in switch on but then what Tony Kornheiser finally did it. I went out and bought a Home computer. It s absolutely fabulous of won believe All the things it can do. It can do Bud gets and banking. It can make maps. It can Domy taxes. It can play cd. It can speak Creole. It can make malted. Unfortunately i can t use it. I be had it for a month. I can plug it in. I can turn it on. After that i m lost. I sit there staring at a Blank screen waiting for it to do something magical on its own like it is the Oracle at Delphi. The Only thing i can do on that screen is windex it. Hero is what the screen says ". " that s it. That s As far As i be gotten. I sense the Colon is telling me i am expected to do something. So i Type in help. Now the screen reads pm help. Top. I am not Good at this. Get nervous and make mistakes. So i Correct my spelling and hit enter. The computer answers bad file name. So i Type in something else. Now the screen reads c v 4 please please please help. The computer answers bad file name. Abort i want to abort. I am unworthy. I am a squashed Skunk on the information superhighway. Sliwa Prague czech Republic you May have guessed i am Technophobia. I Don t own a portable phone. I Don t have direct it s a funny Story How i got the computer. As you know i Type columns for a living. I be been doing it for 25 years. A few weeks ago my typewriter broke and i went out to buy another one. The last one i. Bought an Olivetti Lettera 32, Cost about $80, so fac Toring in inflation i figured a new Olivetti would be $110 which it would have been if anyone in the world made typewriters anymore. Asking for a Type writer at an office products store is like going into a rite Aid and asking the pharmacist for leeches. They look at you like you Are a virus a computer virus in my Case. Which is How i came to spend $2,500 on the world s most expensive typewriter. The computer came with an instruction Book the thickness of Roget s thesaurus Only with smaller printing. I started to read it and stopped after 10 minutes. I Felt like Fabio leafing through Kierkegaard. So i called the store and said i was computer illiterate. They said i could buy a video that would take me through the Steps of the computer and i d do that except i Don t know How. To use my Var. As still Don direct Deposit. I Cut up my atm card because i was afraid that if i Ever used it it would somehow Transfer All my Money to a Butcher shop in Paraguay. I m sure that if i had been alive when the wheel was invented i d be the last Yutz dragging around a Caribou carcass with a rope. My children come in and they Start playing around with the computer fearlessly the Way people my age used to play with a Hula hoop. They create files effortlessly they vary typefaces and colors they play games against the computer. I thought a hard drive was when you had to Clear 180 Yards of water off the tee i watch my 11-year-old daughter Fly around the windows program and it occurs to me that the Way i look at her in utter amazement must be the Way my parents looked the first time they saw or. Pitagorsky s Brand new Philco television set Good lord Estelle How did Garry Moore squeeze himself into that Little Box i d like to be part of the swinging computer crowd. I d like to have an address on the internet where i would have a swell sign on like . I d like to be Able to share in the joke when the punch line is so i downloaded see and it runs an unlink and comes up Star Bat Dot cd i know funny and that s funny. But i am hopeless. At my newspaper i am famous for my ineptitude at the computer. The newspaper has a giant computer system that everyone in the building including the janitorial staff has mastered except for me. I have Learned How to sign on and Type stories. I Don t know How to sign off because i never absolutely had to learn since the computer signs you off automatically after 10 minutes or so of no typing. Thijs Fine except that Means that for 10 minutes or so after i have already gone Home my computer is sitting there in my office signed on As Tony Kornheiser. That Means anyone can come in and Send email messages to anyone else in the Bull dog and the messages will appear to come from me. I know this must happen because periodically i get return memos from people whom i have not to my knowledge communicated with. They like this one from the lord High assistant managing editor. Tony my behind would be even larger than you seem to think it is but fortunately i get to exercise it frequently by punting fat aging not so funny any More columnists out the door. Creators Syndicate Page 24 sunday october 23, 1994
