European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 10, 1995, Darmstadt, Hesse Voice sad it up and its really not that bad Joe Bob Briggs goes o the drive in por some reason i was t getting any action on my new improved personal and for the 90s. Tell me what you think a Chain smoking Couch potato 35 but looks 55card carrying Era member shoots on sight. A hates to laugh but loves to drink Pina Cladas on a Bass boat while watching you scuba dive. A seeking morose big breasted bisexual lesbian with Independent income and thong Bikini. You must own a techno Rock dance mix cd collection that i can borrow when id at herpes singles night. A will take you out even during monday night football but Only to topless bars that have big screen tvs. A nude photo gets mine.�?�. It just was t pulling As Many responses As i thought it should so i switched Over to the a voice these Are those Delics where you basically troll. For a mate while making a breather Call. Remember when 900-number personals first came out and everybody tried to be real a a upbeat and Friendly and sound like an All around Nice Guy week end sportscaster Type in a Button up Cardigan not anymore. These Days if you Wanna score in the personals you need to Lay some whiskey voiced downtown attitude Down on the tape. You need to talk like either Barry White or Sharon Stone. Since i go for the Kinky types my message sounds a Little like Peter Lorre after a three Day drunk. You get on there and you make up this fantasy. That includes every single thing you hate in life. And the girls listen to it and they go a wow that voice and that attitude. He sounds so one More thing Guys. Important tip for the �?T90s. A a act like you re absolutely not interested in what the girl looks like. The great looking ones will never Tell you what they look like until you Hook Mem in with the whole Peter lorry Michael Bolton thing. You know what in a saying Here a / a think you like Mem because of their voice on the phone and All the fascinating things they say about their astrologer. Never. Ever mention anything about Beauty and eventually the foxes will say a Well no one has Ever complained about my figure a or a men have told me that in a easy on the speaking of interesting ways to meet women in the 90s, our flick this week is private obsession which is the Best evidence yet that the erotic thriller has just plumb petered out. This time they done to even bother with a third a an abusive husband a Bitchy wife a Long suffering Girlfriend. None of that stuff. _ Michael Christian is a Geek Zoid with a special homemade Dungeon in his Al Lay apartment and one Day he poses As a Limo Driver and kidnaps supermodel Shannon Whirry and puts her in a room where he can watch her get Nek kid on a Monitor and mess with her head and try to talk her into making the sign of the twin humped Couch weasel with him. Shannon Whirry is the a a other Shannon. Shannon Tweed is the undisputed Box office Queen of the erotic thriller. But Shannon Whirry is the up and the killer in me the plot of private obsession has supermodel Shannon Whirry Nek kid and locked in a room for an hour and a half and that s about it. Coming Gal that All the Guys want to Sec More of. Unfortunately she a really scraping the Bottom of the icing bowl on this one spending most of her time sitting on a bed in her underwear screaming stuff like a let me out of Here a and a a in a like something to eat a and a this is weird i need some space a meanwhile Creepy Michael cackles at his vide Monitor control Board telling her exactly How she has to be trained so that they can be married and live happily Ever after with her As his love slave. While this is going on several lame character actors Are meeting in cheap offices discussing which Limo company they should Call next. Finally they be wasted so much screen time that Shannon goes a ooh what the Heck ill get in the. Sack with the and Here a what a Creepy about it she seems to Kinda. Like it. Twenty six breasts. Multiple aardvark ing. Toilet tank drinking. Excellent Vampy pouty grinding striptease routine. One Chase through the Woods. One gratuitous Shower. Gratuitous rip Taylor. Oleo fun. A a. A a. A a. A drive in Academy award nomination for Whirry her metallic Gold cocktail dress and her two nor a Mous talents for saying a men will Tell you anything they want you to heart and for getting stuck in a pet door in the Alert. The route 202 drive in in Birmingham del., the last remaining drive in in Delaware county has a breathed after the 60-foot-by-80-foot screen was ripped Down after More than 40 years of service. Am Heaters had been running the place until 1991, but did no to renew the lease. Owners Bernice and Leon chatty Tore Down the screen so they could More easily sell the land. Dear. Joe Bob. I read your article about the Kkt in my paper today. You had some pretty Good Points there. Lets Hope Geraldo reads your column too. But on to something else that a really pm ing me off. In a sick to death of a feminine freshness a lads. Believe it or not my mom and i have More to talk about than that a not so fresh feeling. You done to see men in locker room ads saying a they Hank what do you do when you get that a not so dry feeling a Paula Davis Livermore Calif. Dear Paula i done to really know what a feminine freshness Means but when i think about i done to Wanna think about it. You know what i mean now York times Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob. Or to get free junk in the mail or his world famous newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s tax number at his trailer House 214 �?T985-7448. Joe Bob on Compuserve 76702.1435. Linda Ellerbee its High summer in the City and As always there stalk of violence a for no More reason than usual i guess which is to say there a plenty of reason when you think about it. Mostly there a just talk though nothing but the hot angry words of a big City summer. And still living Here you understand How easily this match could be struck. How quickly violence could Start. I came that close to starting some myself last week and it was you understand Over nothing at All comparatively speaking. By that i mean me and mine arc not hungry we have our health a roof Over our Heads i have employment and reasonable Hope for More of same tomorrow. Those arc the biggies the things people sometimes do turn violent Over. Or perhaps should. A no this was something much smaller. It began about 9 in the morning. The very first sound Tore the Day right open split it so wide and deep any Hope of Tranquility fell into the Hole the noise made and died right then and there. Try to imagine if you dare. First it was a Siren then a Klaxon then a series of wonks and whoops then some bleeps and Back to the Siren. Five separate horrible sounds recycled for 10 of the longest minutes you will Ever know and then beginning again the next time a car person dog passed within two feet of it. The car alarm from hell. The newest the biggest the baddest loudest Nas tics most horrible car alarm in the whole world. You know the one i mean. Perhaps i am not reasonable about car alarms. This is because i live on an Island a Small one As islands go a a no one is Likely to confuse Manhattan with Australia a but a very crowded Island nevertheless. Let me be As Plain about this As possible. Car alarms make no sense in new York City or any other metropolitan area. They should be illegal because they do not work. The last time somebody actually found a parking place on the Street anywhere near where they lived or meant to spend the Day was sometime during the first Nixon administration. This is new York City. You re Lucky to find a free parking place in the same Borough you re in. People Here have been known to watch other people get killed. Before their very eyes and do nothing other than comment that the City sure Isnit what it used to be. This is not a place where someone is going to come to the Rescue of your car a an attitude in a certain is exacerbated by the annoying noise pollution of car alarms. For example the Day the car alarm from hell let Loose on our Block i know that by noon if some one had tried to steal that car most of the neighbourhood would have helped. A i also know that by noon id reached the Point where reason does not go. However being a writer which say being a Coward i stopped Short of killing his car. I wrote him a note instead which i then affixed to his Windshield with a Manly Roll of scotch tape. A dear sir or Madam if you Ever again leave your car parked Here for hours i will personally take a baseball Bat to your car until the alarm stops. Do you think you live alone in this City sincerely a neighbor. . Inter Stingly while i stand Here leaning on your car taping this note to your Windshield the alarm is silent. Thought you a like to despite the fact that All i did was write a silly note i was for a few moments a human being capable of doing real violence at least to a thing. If i owned a baseball Bat of course. 7" the owner of the car must have been plenty scared by my note because he or she Hasni to been Back. Or else he or she just Hasni to been Able to find a space. And so it goes. A a. _ Linda Elloree is on vacation this column is a revised version of a column written it\1992. King features Syndicate. A september 10, 1995 sunday Page 21
