European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 10, 1995, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh answering the Call of nature Dave Barry o acc again we Are forced to ask ourselves As a society whether nature should be Legal. Consider a Story from the june 22 Manchester . Union Leader written by Paul Tracy and sent in by Alert Reader Arnic Alpert. This Story states that on june 20, a Laconia ., police officer was called to the municipal water treatment facility in response to a and As you read this column please Bear in mind  am not making any of these newspaper quotations up a a a report of a suspicious acting woodchuck that would not let people out of the  the offi car sized up the situation and according to the Story a determined that the animal needed to be Cutha sized and tried to run it Over with his  so far so Good. Law enforcement experts will Tell t you after they have had a few belts that in a Situa Tion where a member of the Marmot family is holding people hostage in a sewage Plant in police radio code this is known As a �?o10-6�?�the textbook response is to drive a police car Over the alleged per pc Trator then if necessary advise it of its rights. Unfortunately things did not go exactly according to plan. The Story quotes a Plant employee As saying a when he the officer got out after running Over it the woodchuck think he thought it was dead then the thing sprung up and attacked  at this Point the officer and if you have never been attacked by a woodchuck then do not second guess this decision a pulled his 9 my pistol and commenced  we think he emptied a clip a a Plant employee is quoted As saying a but we could Only find eight casings on the  the Story states that during the Battle the officer seeking to escape the woodchuck a jumped up on the Cruiser and injured his  fortunately before anybody else could be Hurt the woodchuck went to that big Burrow in the sky. I wish i could Tell you that this was an isolated incident. I wish i could look you in the eyeball and say a this was just one Lone disgruntled woodchuck possibly a former postal employee who fortunately will never again terrorize humanity thanks to a Quick acting police officer who fortunately was not carrying nuclear weapons a a a a a but i cannot say that. For one thing i Lack the. Lung capacity. For another thing i have Here an article from the june 28 Gaithersburg my Gazette written by april e. Fulton and sent in by several Alert readers which states a nine residents of the South Village area of Montgomery Village a two adults and seven children a were playing near do Cana court on the morning of june 15 when they suddenly were charged by a band of about a dozen squirrels.�?�. R. A. The article quotes one of the women a who was bitten on the foot a As saying a we were just playing in the Yard like we do every Day and suddenly out of nowhere about 12 squirrels started charging us making these High pitched shrill  a neighbor is quoted As saying a the squirrels that Day went  _. The article states that on june 21, a representative of the Maryland department of natural resources inspected the area and a found no abnormal behaviour from the  of course not. They May be squirrels but they Are pot stupid. They re not about to go after a govern Mcnol official not after what happened to the woodchuck. No they put on a cute Little Walt Disney show for the Maryland department of natural resources squeaking and scampering around with acorns in their checks. But you May rest assured that As Spon As the coast was Clear they resumed smoking tiny cigarettes and planning their next attack. They will Stop at nothing As we can see from the following headline from a sept. 2,1994, front Page article in the Missoula Mont missourian written by Michael Downs and sent in by Many Alert readers flaming squirrels ignite fire the Story states that a two electrocuted squirrels fell from a Power line thursday morning their Flam ing bodies igniting a Small grass fire near  a fire official is quoted As saying that it could have been a male and a female Squirrel engaged in an act of a burning rodent  the fire official docs not Point out that both a rodent passion and. A flaming squirrels would be excellent names for Rock bands this was probably just an oversight at this Point you re saying a Dave you have pre. San cd ample journalistic evidence Here to prove that the animal kingdom is attempting for whatever Ria son to wipe out the entire human race. But at least members of the news Media Are Safe a i wish i could agree but tragically i cannot a not in Light of a june 21 associated press item from Kennewick wash., sent in by several Alert readers which begins a a to reporters hair gel apparently attracted a swarm of bees that stung him More than 30 times  the reporter was doing a Story about beekeeping when the attack occurred the Story states that the Becket per in an Effort to help covered the reporters head with a protective Hood but unfortunately the Hood a also turned out to con Tain  i am sure that you As a person concerned about the first amendment have the same reaction to this Story As i did namely Tiow come this never happens on camera to my local to reporters until we get solid answers to this and Many other questions raised by this column such As a Why would anybody print this column Ai am urging everyone to avoid All Contact with nature in any form including vegetables. Speaking of which you should also write your Congress person. A a Miami Herald twp Iii v Law a a. To Al a 1 Poh t blow Wolfe twp cot Tup a Tiff viol or it Page 24 a sunday september 10, 1395