European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - April 10, 1986, Darmstadt, Hesse Columns let s Boogie Down with the bogeyman by Paul Bourgeois staff writer Paul Bourgeois is filling in for regular columnist John Windrow who is on vacation. De wanted the stars and stripes seeks vampires to be interviewed for an upcoming series of articles about the living dead. Discretion guaranteed. Don t laugh. A recent poll reports that there Are at least 500 vampires worldwide. There Are 55 in the United states with at least five in new York City alone. That leaves 445 for the rest of the world and the Odds Are there is at least one in our Reading audience. 1 sincerely want to interview a Vampire. I Promise not to eat garlic Wear a Crucifix or unexpectedly pull out any mirrors or wooden stakes. It was just a few weeks ago that the census results were released by the self professed father of Vamp urology Stephen Kaplan a Para psychologist living in new York City. Kaplan went on to say that eight out of 10. Vampires prefer the biting method to suck their nourishment of blood rather than other methods that one can Only presume include using straws or knocking Over blood Banks. Kaplan says that his Vampire research Center has been around for 16 years and is no Fly by night outfit Pun intended and that in his work he frequently encounters people with bizarre habits like in t it charming that someone who routinely sucks blood from humans and turns them into zombies is capable of being shocked by a Little sadomasochism speaking of sadomasochism have you Ever wondered Why people love to have the living daylights scared out of them my first wife enjoyed a love hate relationship with roller coasters. She d exit them Pale weak kneed and trembling. Fear is a Rush she d say. My desire to meet a Vampire might be explained by the fact that i get my Rush from monsters. When i was 8 or 9 years old one to station Back Home aired the classic monster films of the 1930s every saturday night. And while i loved to be scared by the Frankenstein monster and the Mummy the scariest without a doubt was and still is Dracula. I be always considered the Mummy and Frankenstein second rate. But vampires especially the Bela Lugosi variety Are the scariest creature Ever to skulk behind a creaking door. Why even the name be i Al us of i is enough to scare you Halfway to Missouri. My boyhood friends and i figured that anybody stupid enough or slow enough to be caught by Frankenstein or the Mummy deserved what they get. My 93-year-old grandmother could outrun either of them in their prime and with the comp comp comp of Frankie s Lead lined shoes you could hear him coming a Hundred Yards away. We of course knew the secret to protecting yourself from monsters listen for the scary music to Start and then run like hell. The scariest thing is that you can t run from vampires. They can turn into smoke and ease into your room through the Keyhole or turn into bats to attack from the air or even become invisible. And living in South Louisiana posed an added danger for besides your Standard monsters we had to contend with the Titi and the Loup Arou. The is the cajun bogeyman. The Loup Arou is the cajun Werewolf. Neither is to be trifled with. These cajun monsters behave pretty much like your regular monsters howling at the Moon and eating Small children and attractive Young women except they douse you with Tabasco before they bite you. Many a time i can remember an old aunt or my grandmother telling us Little kids to hurry to get in because they heard a Loup Arou prowling in the Bushes outside. We d shriek and dash for our bedrooms being careful to make a flying leap about 6 feet from the bed to avoid the hairy monster that lived under it. I once had a Cousin named Harry who misjudged his jump Slid under the bed and was never seen again. Once in bed we d quickly squirm under the Blanket bringing the covers Over our Heads. We were breathless. Our Little hearts were beating so fast we Felt As if on fire but we dared not remove the bed covers from even our Heads. We were no fools. We knew that for All time from the beginning of kid history no monster had Ever gotten a kid hiding under the covers. What a Rush it s that Rush i desire. I need to again feel the elation that Only fear can bring. I m counting on you vampires out there to write or Call me today. We can have lunch. I buy. Well have blood sausage. Ladies return jewelry to men out of the picture by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners what is the proper thing for a lady to do with jewelry that has been Given to her by an admirer whom she no longer sees is it appropriate to continue to Wear it or should it be Given away possibly to a Charity gentle Reader just one moment please. Miss manners is straining herself to refrain from asking Why a lady has accumulated jewelry from an admirer to whom she is not married. All right she has that under control. This is not the first time miss manners has had to skip the part about whether one should have the problem and proceed to solving it. One question Only. By jewelry we both mean articles of monetary value Don t we and not trinkets of sentimental value Only just curious. That does not affect the answer which would be the same for a College ring with a big Dull Glass Stone As for a Diamond necklace. Return All jewelry. If the breakup was an unpleasant one you May throw it in the gentleman s face. However if you merely get bored with him or found a better source wrap it All up prettily and attach a note about How you would t feel right keeping if. Dear miss manners How does one go about informing a certain gentleman that his advances would not be unwelcome a year ago i was hired As Secretary to a manager of a Stock brokerage firm. The moment i met him i Felt that pleasant Rush that poets try so vainly to describe. I also noticed the wedding ring on his Finger. Being somewhat of a realist i decided to act calmly and sensibly treating him with the respect and civility due one s employer. However lately i have reason to suspect that my employer not Only returns those pleasant feelings but is suffering a severe torment because of it. I share his anguish because not Only is he married but he has two Young children whom he adores and a Sweet wife whom i am certain he would not willingly Hurt despite his Lack of special feelings for her. Am i being too polite gentle Reader Are you being too what of. Well us no. Just polite enough miss manners would say. Don t move or you la spoil it. The problem As miss manners understands it is not exactly what you state. What you wish to do is not so much to announce your availability As to enter into the Battle this gentleman is having with his conscience in the Hopes of influencing the outcome. That is not Nice. Nor is it Wise. You must let him conduct this alone. Should he lose the Battle or win depending on your Point of vie you will find it much More plausible for you to continue saying graciously sympathetic things about his family if he knows that you did not help persuade him to leave them. Dear miss manners the restaurant my family and friends and i can afford almost always serves baked potatoes wrapped in foil. This is one of my favorite foods but i never know if i should unwrap the potato completely or just fold Back the foil. If i unwrap it what do i do with the foil the Best part is the potato skin but it is terrible to have a Small Sliver of foil in your Mouth because the potato is still resting on top of the foil. Recently i had dinner with seven other adults and was embarrassed to find that i was the Only one who had removed the foil gentle Reader the Issue of trash on the restaurant table sugar packages cellophane from crackers potato foil puzzles people because they assume it has a right to be there. They also assume that restaurants meet the social standards of Correct service so there must be a Correct Way of dealing with All that rubbish. Of miss manners knows about health regulations and All that. She is not trying to ban the Little papers but is Only cautioning you that they Are outside the dictates of proper service. Therefore you must Deal with them in the simplest most practical Way which is to remove them crumple them to reduce the volume and place them out of the Way on the Side of the table. Have an etiquette question address questions to the stars and stripes Apo 09211, . Forces. April 10,1986 stripes Magazine
