European Stars And Stripes (Newspaper) - August 18, 1988, Darmstadt, Hesse                                The right Way to Deal with killer vending machines by Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers today we bring you our informative feature news items in the news which is made possible by All the Alert readers out there who keep clipping newspaper articles and sending them to us while the japanese Economy continues to get farther and farther ahead. Our first Tern we absolutely swear we Are not making any of these items up was sent in by a Reader whose name we somehow misplaced in our sophisticated data storage system of Large paper Mounds. But be Are grateful to receive it because it involves an alarming new Hazard killer vending machines. It seems that the army safety Center has done a study and found out that in the last five years there have been at least 52 injuries and five actual deaths caused when vending machines failed to vend anything causing military personnel to kick and strike and shake the machines until they the machines fell Over on them the personnel. You will be appalled to learn that the army s proposed solution to this problem is to put a decal on the vending machines with a Little picture really showing a Man with a vending machine falling on him. Is that pathetic or what this is the army for god s Sake this is the same outfit that Defeated Grenada in a matter of Days let s see some spine Here let s see a decal that says if this machine refuses to vend you anything open fire on the Mother or better yet let s get right to the heart of this problem let s take some of our computerized laser equipped $12-zillion tanks if we can get the engines to Start and let s blow up a few vending machine companies. The taxpayers would definitely support this. The taxpayers Are sick and tired of putting Money into vending machines and getting either a nothing or b a bag of potato chips containing 8,765 molecule size fragments which if you could somehow assemble them would result in maybe four actual chips total weight Zero so that the vending machine Industry has been Able to obtain All the chips it has sold for the past 27 years from a single medium size potato Street value $389 million. Nothing would warm the cockles of the taxpayers hearts More than to know that their defense dollars were being used to vaporize whoever is responsible for this. Which brings us to our next news item which concerns a surprising development in the giant British earthworm Story. We were originally alerted to this Story by a report sent out in May by the Reuters rhymes with Leuters wire service stating that a Bird at a wildlife Park in Canterbury England had somehow caught an earthworm that was More than 6 feet Long. The Story went on to state the worm apparently died and its body began to break up while a camera Crew was filming it As evidence for the guinness Book of world records just after it was found Park Boss Alan Breeze said but the head Section lived and i have placed it in a heated tank with some High Quality Earth in the Hope that it will grow again to something like its former glory Breeze said. Needless to say we awaited further news on this Story with baited a a breath but several months went by with no reports so finally we called up the guinness people who told us that the main body of the giant earthworm had been sent to the natural history experts at the British museum who after examining it announced that it was not technically an earthworm. What it was technically was the intestine of a hedgehog. It s still under investigation by our staff the guinness spokesperson assured us. And a darned Good thing too because the whole Story raises Many disturbing questions such As what exactly is or. Breeze growing in his High Quality Earth we Are not sure we want to know and quite frankly we Don t have the time to Check this out further because we need to get the word out about the importance of microwaving women s underwear. Several Alert readers sent us this item which states that researchers at the University of Florida have found that women can minimize the recurrence of yeast infections by cooking their underwear too percent Cotton Only ladies your synthetics tend to explode in the microwave oven. We Are delighted to pass along this information although quite frankly we were not aware that yeasts even wore underwear. We Are however deeply saddened to report this last item which was alertly sent in by Brenda Sloan and which concerns the death of the world s largest Toad. This particular Toad known Only As Toad a was a South american Model who resided in a Des Moines Iowa zoo and weighed More than 5 pounds. The cause of death is not known although vending machines have apparently been ruled out. We know that All of you Are deeply saddened by this loss which is Why we Are urging you in lieu of Flowers to Send your donations of Cash or other Money directly to us Here at news item Central. That s How Toad a would have wanted it. Wife s socializing with sex upsets current husband by miss manners United feature Syndicate dear miss manners while in another City to visit her children my wife went out to dinner she paid for hers with her sex husband. Following dinner they visited at his apartment. This came to my attention through a third party. My wife explained to me that she was without transportation at the time and very hungry. It was a favor on his part to take her out because he was not hungry at the time. I admit to hot being too Happy about it but have accepted it. My wife and i will be in that area for a few Days next month. I have met this Man several times before and wonder if it would be in order for me to invite him out to dinner with us with no other reason than to return the favor. My wife does t think this is necessary because she paid for her own meal. What do you think gentle Reader you Are not seriously trying to Tell miss manners that your motive is to reciprocate a favor that a gentleman showed to your wife Are you Good because accompanying a lady to dinner is rather a minimal Courtesy and in any Case it was not extended to you. One could argue that she would be obliged to do the same for him under similar circumstances but miss manners does t think you want to do that. Now let s address the real question which is How you can properly discourage your wife from socializing with her sex husband because reasonable As it May be you Don t like it. You have already discovered that you do not have a Good argument for objecting. Rather than claiming hunger she could have mentioned the unassailable motive of wishing to discuss the children. You Are also on the right track in guessing that the Best Way is therefore to join them. As you Are both going to be in the City where he and the children live you could voice an interest in being included on All visits to the children because they Are your stepchildren and to him because he is their father or simply because you declare with a straight face you like him. In doing this you will show yourself to be Friendly rather than jealous which is just As unassailable As any reasons they might have for seeing each other. By the Way miss manners suggests you sever relations with that third party who reported Back to you. That person is really up to no Good. Dear miss manners i was in a bar with a female acquaintance when a situation developed which seemed to pit proper etiquette against my personal convictions. As we were talking she took out a cigarette and from her expression i could Tell she expected me to Light it for her. I told her that i do not condone smoking and would not become an Active party to her ruining her lungs therefore she would have to Light it herself. She stated that it is proper etiquette for a Man to Light a lady s cigarette. What should i have done in this situation must i become a participant in an activity i find distasteful gentle Reader miss manners is sorry to report that she can t find any proper etiquette for pitting purposes in this anecdote. It is incorrect to demand a Courtesy. It is incorrect to smoke in front of someone who is offended by smoke. And finally it is incorrect to police another person s habits. But miss manners has a simpler solution Here than that of arresting you both on etiquette felonies. No Rule of etiquette Ever required a gentleman to carry matches or a lighter. You could easily have said to the bartender the lady would like a Light and allowed him to do the dirty deed. As for your personal convictions you May excuse yourself from the presence of cigarette smoke telling the lady you will rejoin her when she is finished. Dear miss manners is it proper to use one s business credit card to pay for one s Friend s dinner and pocket their dinner Money we think it s Tacky. By taking our Money they Are profiling because the business is reimbursing them. We would rather pay the restaurant. We have told our friends our feelings but they disregard this and continue their practice. When we suggested using our regular charge card they resented it. We have stopped having dinner with them because of this. Gentle Reader Why miss manners should advise you How to Dine with thieves in Good conscience she does t know. 5ut the Way to do it is to insist beforehand on separate checks. Have 3 question on etiquette write to miss a Linnet in care of the slurs and stripes Apo 09211. Your question will be forwarded to her. Miss manners regrets that Pecan Only answer questions in her column. August 18, 1988 stripes Magazine