European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - May 13, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                American eyes Are on wrong developments Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers people frequently ask me a Dave what has gone wrong with America anyways a and i always reply a what has gone wrong is that Over in Germany and Japan people arc interested in computers robots and other High technology concepts whereas Here in America people arc interested in whether Marla Maples had her breasts  let me stress that 1 am not mentioning Marla Maples in boldfaced letters because 1 wish to boost the readership of this column. 1 am mentioning Marla Maples and her possible breast augmentation because 1 think its pretty pathetic that this once great nation a a nation that produced technological geniuses such As Thomas Edison Henry Ford and mister wizard a has become so technologically illiterate that according to a Survey 74 percent of All americans agree with the statement that a fax machine works by a sending rolled up paper through a  you morons the paper is already in the machine. Only the Ink goes through the wires amps illustration by Sharon Kilday clearly this nation is in a sorry state and yet our newspapers and magazines continue to pander to the Public a insatiable lust for mindless articles about Marla Maples breasts which take up space i am referring to the articles that could be used to provide important technical information. Well i say its time that we americans stopped being the big fat stupid Heads of the industrialized world. This is Why today in a going to a take the High Road by defying this National obsession with tawdry celebrity trivia and devoting an entire column to answering your questions about technology. Come on America put on your thinking Caps lets have some technology questions q. Are you saying that Marla Maples breasts have been augmented a. No i am not saying that. Nor am i suggesting Here for the first time that before her face lift Marla Maples had neck Wattles deep enough to raise bats in. Today i wish to focus on your questions concerning technological matters such As How an automatic transmission changes gears. Q. How does an automatic transmission change gears a. There is probably some kind of mechanism in there but done to quote me on that. And let us also put an end to these rumours that Marla Maples had upper thing liposuction so extensive As to require an Industrial fire Hose. Q. How do those electronic hand dryers in Public restrooms work a. At last a question that does not require me to mention Marla Maples. Electronic restroom hand dryers Are miraculous labor saving devices that work by shooting out a special kind of air made from compressed sneezes that actually makes your hands Sticky without getting them dry. Q. You know those automatic supermarket checkout scanners where the clerk Waves the product past a Little window and the Register beeps and shows the Price How does that work a. Inside the counter is a Small compartment where a person named Marge crouches in the darkness peering up through the window and frantically ringing up your purchases As the clerk Waves them past. The system used to involve a laser beam but they had to Stop this when the beam detonated a can of spam sending superheated chunks of meat like byproducts hurtling in All directions and severely damaging an Issue of the weekly world news Marla Elvis ate my baby. Q. How does an elevator work a. An elevator is essentially a Small room dangling Over a very deep Shaft held up by thin cables that Are maintained by building employees who have tremendous trouble just keeping All the toilets working. Q. What do they have to do with sex change ufos Vampire Marla Maples a. They claim they Are a just  next week German reunification a Rob Lowe tells his Side. The joke is on you know any Good jokes we re looking for the Best for publication in the sunday Magazine. They must be in Good taste not too Long and hopefully funny enough to make other readers laugh. If you have some that you think will pass the chuckle test we want to hear them. Please Send them to jokes on you sunday Magazine the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Be sure to include a Telephone number where you can be reached during the Day. We re ready to laugh. Ight �1990. Cartoonists 8. Writers Syndicate