European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 3, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Horror stories not for the weak of mind Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers r recently i be been Reading horror novels at bedtime. I m talking about those paperbacks with names like a the brain sucker a full of scenes like this a was Marge stepped through the doorway into the darkening mansion she Felt a sense of foreboding caused perhaps by the moaning of the wind or the creaking of the door or possibly the Kentucky Fried c Hicken bucket full of  of course if Marge had the intelligence of paint shed Stop right there. A wait a minute a shed say. A a in a getting the hell out of this  then shed leap off the Page sprint across my Bedspread and run into my songs bedroom to become a character in a Safe Book life a Horton hears a  but Marge in the hallowed horror novel character tradition barges straight ahead Down gloomy corridors where she has to Cut through the foreboding with a Machete despite the obvious fact that something hideous is about to a amps illustration by Sharon Kilday happen probably involving the forced evacuation of her Skull cavity by a demonic being with the underworld Roto rooter franchise. So in a flinching As i turn each Page thinking a what a Moron this woman  and Marge is thinking a Well i May be a Moron but at least in a not stupid enough to be Reading  and of course Marge is right. I should know better than to read horror books or watch horror movies because a this is not easy for a 42-year-old grown up male to admit a i believe them. I have always believed them. When i was a child 1 was routinely terrified by horror movies even the comically inept ones where when Lon Chancy turned into a Werewolf you could actually see the makeup persons hand darting into the picture to attach More fake fur to his face. When i was 17 a this is a True anecdote a i had to explain to my father one sunday morning that the reason our car was missing was that the night before i had taken my Date to see a psycho a and afterwards i had explained to her that it made More sense for her to drive me Home because of the Strong possibility that otherwise i would be stabbed to death by an Thony Perkins. For years after i saw a the exorcist a i Felt this need to be around priests. Friends would say a what do you want to do tonight a and id say a a let stake in a mass a in a still this Way even though in a a grownup Parent constantly reassuring my son about his irrational fears telling him done to be silly there Arentt any vampires in the guest bathroom. Part of my brain a the rational part the part that took the sat tests actually believes this. But a much More powerful part the fear lobe takes the possibility of bathroom vampires far More seriously than it takes for example the . Trade deficit. And so late at night when i finish my horror novel and take the dogs out into the Yard which is very dark i am highly Alert. My brains sat sector trying to be Cool is saying a Cha a this is merely your Yard a but the fear lobe is saying a ooh yes this is exactly the kind of place that would attract the brain sucker. For the brain sucker this is Walt Disney  and so i Start sauntering Back toward the House trying to look As casual As possible considering that every few feet i suddenly whirl around to see if anything a behind me. Soon i am sauntering at upward of 35 Miles per hour and the fear lobe is screaming a a it a coming a and even the sat sector has soaked its mental armpits and now in a openly sprinting through the darkness almost to the House and a what a that noise behind me of no please Ataii Yeeee Hump a i am struck violently in the Back by Earnest our Toyota sized main dog who has located a Cache of valuable dog poo and shrewdly elected to Roll in it and is now generously attempting to share the experience with me. Thus the spell of horror is broken and my sat sector reasserts control and has a Good laugh at what a silly Goose i was and i walk calmly Back inside and close the door just seconds before the tentacle reaches it. "o.k.,  time next monday. This joke was called the worst Ever by its contributor. A Young Indian once joined the Navy and spent four years training to be the Best electrician he could be. On the Day of his discharge he hurried Home to his reservation anxious to help his people any Way he could. It was decided that he should wire All the houses for electricity. When he completed the task everyone was pleased except his grandmother who wanted indoor plumbing. The Brave  do that but he hit upon an idea that made him famous. He wired the outhouse for electricity. Thus he became the first Man to wire a head for a reservation. Rick Breeden Heidelberg West Germany Johnny Carson says he dreamed that Democrat Diane Feinstein was elected governor of California by a group of performing seals. He awoke singing a you picked a Feinstein to Lead me you Seal new York times c \ Reisinger n Zagreb a Yugoslavia a Ltd which Way to the Baiei it