European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 24, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                German unit a Good news for olympic rivals Aik a the German de re be old Das e por that the  n frequently requested sgt Gary that citizens Are requesting to have inked into their i cd Ami it tie hides a bom to shop. But i to 2.-ttr.g ahead of . It 5 rot Blitzkrieg or Goose stepping hordes of l United germans that people Are afraid of. An More. After ail. Its Isgo there is a peace in our time and besides this time around they be read it promised nor is it the almighty new United All German a Mark that has us running scared. So a Ahat if they sell a bit More Stock than anyone else make More steel More cars More televisions. Produce More electricity Export More. Blah blah. To hum. Big Deal. Its a United German it at the olympics a that a Why everyone is nervous. A let a relax. If you think the sex East German sports powerhouse is going to turn United Germany into an unstoppable juggernaut of athletic prowess you have not been paying attention. R rec  get to me tract or gym to practice each Day. They had to push that Marvel of German  engineering known As the Trahan this from the same people that inverted Dee car a a Veen it comes to doing wonders Fer those Pees and vicites. Nautilus machines  such Dort hold a Candle to Jalopy pure pm Day in. Ard Day out. Especially when you have to carry  into the gym and Stow it in your locker so it does t get stolen by that woman on the i in Mhz team who otherwise Wedd have to a i years to get one. So. Next foot Aang to buy toilet paper when some Rne or mind that it s one ply extra coarse Fin airy comes into that Little shop on the outskirts of Leipzig and then Over to Dresden for the butter and did t that place up on the Baltic rust get some underwear in a whoa outta my Way. Fritz not to mention the stamina and willpower which comes from standing in line when you get there a Heck there s your track team right there. Everything about struggling to survive in a place he the sex Cdr makes you a Little faster and stronger a Hottie fitter and nastier you want proof of evolution voila a in Short gives you those qualities which an olympic Winner needs. That has All changed now. See that Frauem waddling out of the sweets shop on the Kud amm in West Berlin right the one who is blocking your View of Czechoslovakia to the South. She used to be on the Cdr gymnastics team. Used to do a routine on the uneven parallel bars that had rivals crying in envy. No More friends. That Young lady now works for a West German construction company. She s a wrecking Ball. My sources Tell me that there is not an East German runner left who can do the 400 meters without a train ticket. Or swimmers who can do anything but float in the shallow end of the Pool buoyed by their inflatable Helmut Kohl water wings. The Way i see it the United German olympic program is in deep trouble and its going to get deeper As More and More super jocks from the East enjoy their new found Liberty to pig out on the Couch with a pizza and collapse in front of reruns of a love  once they truly internalize the jeffersonian dictum that Freedom spreads especially Well on a thick crust with extra cheese then the survival of the fittest will turn into the survival of the a sit test and that is when i look for athletic standards to Start dropping worldwide. Call me a visionary but i say once democracy arrives can the 5-foot High jump and the four hour Marathon be far behind and then friends i make my move. Forget the germans. I m Back. In a tanned and i m ready. As i say relax. Jeff i a mews. An american  n tiap ses. Tav. S2acre$ in Gas a at Itatani universities. Be our guest the s us a y Magazine is setting aside space for guest columnists. If you a e encountered anything amusing confusing frustrating or fascinating about life in Europe in the military or in general we d like to hear about it. This is not a space for gripes or letters to the editor a done to expect an official answer just loads of response from your friends. So sum up your thoughts in 500 words or less and Send them to be our guest sunday Magazine. The stars and stripes Apo 09211. Be sure to include a Telephone number where you can be reached during the Dav. Words of advice for new graduate dear Emily i gather from your card that by the time you get this letter you la have been graduated. I suppose you want Money. I did. If you re looking for Wisdom for life Well that a another matter because in a afraid i Haven to got much to offer. However your Mother s a Busy woman so there might be one or two things she did no to get around to telling you. They Are done to buy land you have not seen. When paying Bills remember to pay yourself first. When investing remember that Utility companies never go out of business. On marriage before vowing to share eternity with someone first make sure you can stand living with them for two weeks. Never sell your car to a Friend. Never buy a car from a Friend. Regret nothing you can to go Back and fix blatantly idiotic blunders so just try not to repeat them too often instead apologize quickly and move on. Remember that it takes 3% hours of running at 6 Mph to bum 3,200 calories which equals one Pound of human fat eat accordingly. A $ 10 digital watch really does keep better time than a $2,000 Swiss one. Mozart a Best symphony was his 40th his Best opera a Don  Van Gogh however is overrated. If you memorize the preamble of the declaration of Independence one Simon and Garfunkle song and one shakespearean sonnet then you will never in any situation be at a loss for words. When you have the clutch on a Dat Sun changed always Tell them to replace the Hydraulic throw out Cylinder too. Always use your turn signals especially when you Don t see anyone else on the Road. When Light bulbs bum out buy two so you la always have a replacement at hand. Always look for bicycles before opening your car door. Have fun now if there really was life after death someone would have proved it to us by now. However always hedge your bets. Take nothing for granted. When dealing with strangers and bureaucrats always assume that the one you Are speaking to right now is the stupidest person on the face of the Earth so explain everything carefully and patiently. The purpose of life easy. There is after All Only one single Quality that ultimately separates us from flatworms head lice and Alley cats we can create and then Admire something of Beauty. Do this and you win. Good Luck and god bless Uncle Vincent i sunday june 24,1990