European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 26, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Medical exam sure Way to put on years Dave Barry Knight rudder newspapers i started aging rapidly last week. Until then i had been aging steadily at the rate of about one year per year with a few exceptions such As during the party. Where i drank Bourbon from John Cooper s shoe while standing in the Shower. When i woke up on the Lawn the next morning 1 discovered that 1 had aged nearly a decade. Hut after that 1 fell pretty Good until last a week when 1 went in for my annual physical examination. I get an annual physical exam about once every six years. In a reluctant to do it More often because of the part where the doctor does a horrible thing. You Middle age Guys know what i mean. Y our re in the examining room and the doctor has been behaving in a non threatening manner thumping on your Chest frowning into your cars etc., and the two of you Are having a Normal Guy conversation about How George Steinbrenner should get at minimum the electric chair and you re almost enjoying your physical examination when without warning the doctor reaches into a drawer and pulls out the Glove. Suddenly you notice that the doctor looks vaguely like Vincent Price and the room lights Are flashing and the music system which had been playing Quot wonderful world a is now playing the theme from  and now the Doc Tor is holding up his hand which has grown to the size of a mature eggplant and has sprouted eight or nine extra digits and he a struggling to pull on the Glove which has developed a life of its own snarling and writhing like some kind of evil mutant Albino squid. And now the doctor is turning to you. His eyes glowing like Beer signs and he a saying a turn around Hama Hama Tahaha Quot and you re thinking of no please Nooroo. Once i was getting examined and when it came time for the Glove the doctor brought in for training purposes another doctor who happened to be a member of the extreme opposite sex and the two of them were Back there chatting away about various Points of interest like a pair of guides on a Glass Bottom boat tour. When it was Over All 1 wanted was a grocery bag to Wear Over my head until could gel a new identity through the Federal witness Protic Tion program. But last week i got through the Glove of. In fact 1 got through almost everything the Only problem the doctor found a this was not during the Glove exam a was excessive earwax which in Many cultures is considered a sign of virility. So 1 was feeling Good ready to sch cd ulc my next appointment for late 19% and sprint for the exit when the doctor looked at my cardio ram and made that Quot item mme noise that doctors Are taught in medical school so they wont come right out and say Quot us a a a a you have an abnormal  he said. He said a lot of stuff after that but  most of it because 1 was looking around the room for a Good place to faint. I do remember the doctor gesturing at an explicit diagram of the human heart and talking about a condition called a a Branch bundle blockage or maybe he said a bundle Branch blockage which is caused by the heart valves being connected improperly to the distributor wires. Or something like that. I was t really following him. 1 Felt the Way 1 do when the Guys at my service station Sal and Bill Are attempting to explain what a wrong with my car. A look at  will say picking up a filth encrusted object that for All 1 know is a fragment of mayan pottery. Quot your postulation valve has no comportment Quot a no comportment at All a affirms Bill genuinely disgusted that such a thing could happen in 20th Century America. A and look at this Here Quot says Sal thrusting the thing toward me. A your Branch bundle is blocked a says Bill. A you hav e two weeks to live a says the doctor.  doctor did t really say that he said that an abnormal cardio ram is perfectly nor Tual. And it s probably nothing to worry about but just in Case he wanted to schedule a test where 1 run on a Treadmill and then they inject atomic radiation into my body and frown at the results. A Fine a i said trying to appear composed which was difficult because by that Point i was sitting on the floor. So now in a waiting to take my test and in a feel ing old. I m experiencing every one of the 147 major warning signs of heart trouble Inch Ding Chest pains shortness of breath tendency to not notice that the traffic Light has changed and fear of ordering French Fries. Also my heart has taken to beating very loud especially late at night. Perhaps you have heard it. Quot Stop beating your heart so loud Quot is what i am sure the neighbors arc Yelling. Fortunately i cannot hear them on account of my earwax condition. A the joke is on you know any Good jokes we re looking for the Best for publication in. Sunday Magazine. They must be in Good taste not too Long and funny enough to make our readers laugh. If you have some that you think will pass the chuckle test we want to hear them. Please Send them to jokes on you sunday Magazine the stars and stripes Apo 09211. Be sure to include the town where you Are living and a Telephone number where you can be reached during the Day. We re ready to laugh. O Williams London England Quot they never forget Quot a c Sunda August 26, 1990