European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 9, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Middle East conflict is big oily mess Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers for the Benefit of those of you who Are just getting Back from vacation and have missed out on being alarmed by recent world events Here a a guide to the current Middle East crisis in the popular question and answer format. In preparing this guide we sought the help of numerous leading International experts. Unfortunately they weren to Home. Q. Where exactly is the Middle East a. It is located in a tense Region near various strategic gulfs around which Are located numerous Sand infested nation with names like a woman a a a ibid and a a Kazoo a All of which have at one time or another received millions in . Aid and All of which needless to say hate our guts. Q. Who invented our foreign policy for the Middle East a. A school of grouper. Q. What is going on Over there right now that is so important to require the presence of both Dan rather and Ted Koppel a. They Are having a crisis. Q. Arentt they always having a crisis Over there a. Yes but this one is More serious because we Are sending . Troops. Q. Why Are we doing that a. Because of the seriousness of the situation. Q. Well what caused it a. It started because Iraq and Iran two nations run by raving Homicidal loons armed to the Teeth with the help of thoughtful . Taxpayers had a Long insane War that caused them both to go broke so Iraq decided to pick up a few extra Bucks by taking Possession of Kuwait. This is the kind of thing that nations do All the time and we probably  have made a big stink about it except that Kuwait a full Legal name is a tiny Oil Rich Kuwait a and if there is one thing that we stand for its the democratic dream that people everywhere have a right to obtain Legal gasoline for the automobiles and recreational vehicles and luxury motorboats of their Choice. Q. Is anybody on our Side in this a. Yes indeed. We have Many stauch allies such As Germany and Japan who Are also very concerned about the fundamental human right to Petroleum byproducts. Q. Well Are the germans and the japanese sending their troops Over there to help us a. No unfortunately they Are Busy at this time building the automobiles of our Choice. Q. How will this affect the United states Economy a. There May be minor setbacks in some areas. For example you personally will probably lose your Job. However the crisis will actually help the Economy in some areas. Here in the newspaper Industry we re benefiting from an upsurge in full Page advertisements purchased by major Oil companies seeking to convince us that we should not View them As bloodsucking vermin for jacking up the prices. Also things Are looking up for the Pentagon budget which had been in trouble due to the Brief threat of lasting world peace. For example we be decided to go ahead with the b-2 bomber even though we done to actually need it and it has certain technical problems such As that it can to Fly. It has to be carried Over enemy territory suspended from helicopters while our ground troops create a diversion by shouting a Well there Are certainly no bombers around  q. So there is definitely a Silver lining to this Middle East thing a. Yes the important thing is that we All remain Calm. Also in the event that the world Oil Supply runs Low we have Long lines at the Gas stations its very important that we cooperate and remember that the other people in line Are fellow americans just like yourself. Q. So a. So they Are probably armed. Collins London England �?�1 Don t understand it. My doctor gave me six months to live Only three weeks  the spread of sequels in the movie world led the los Angeles daily news to ask readers to list some sequels they a like to see. Here Are some of the responses a a Little orphan Annie Hall a a sequel to two films in which Diane Keaton plays the title role while Woody Allen stars As her dog a and wins an Oscar for Best screenplay. A a ubom again on the fourth of july a in which Pat Boone Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker convert wounded soldiers to their beliefs no matter what the Cost. A a purple rain Man a the Story of an autistic savant and his half brother a temperamental Rock Star. A a Honey i shrunk the deficit a a wild special effects comedy about a . President who accidentally cuts one of the armed services completely from the budget. A a gone with the wind Chimes is a Darmedy in which Scarlett renounces her recently adopted new age beliefs. A a jiving miss Daisy a starring Eddie Murphy and Jessica Tandy. Plus these three a night of the living dead poets society a when Harry and the hendersons met Sally a Beverly Hills cop in Zsa Zsan a  Arnould Toronto Canada �2 c amp Ftp a 1 a t a a a s 1 f 1 la f a f r 1 v of i a / /. J a s a \ x \ a a friends. Quot Page 12 c sunday september 9,1990