European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 18, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse Joe Bob Brig Sjoe Bob explains the Fine Art of Turkey Hunting since its Turkey Hunting season again i know in a Gonna get major flak from Wanda Bodine As soon As i whip out the old full choke twelve gauge jump into a camouflage jumpsuit and put on Iny hat with the Little car flaps. For the last three four years Wanda a been on this animal rights Binge which includes turkeys. Like they re not Gonna die anyway like the zoos of America Are Gonna close because there Arentt enough turkeys to look at i told her Quot Wanda there is nothing strange or perverted about blowing the head off a Gobbler and splattering a Little Turkey flesh on a tree trunk. The whole country was founded on this principle. The pilgrims did but she wont listen. She thinks a human being with a twelve gauge Shotgun has an advantage Over a Turkey. And i be told her a Rwanda there a More turkeys that escape than there Are getting wasted. We Only kill the stupid ones. Its important that the stupid turkeys die. Darwin said but you can to use logic on this woman. So this year in a Gonna set Down the Complete rules and procedures of Turkey Hunting so that All you in american Pilgrim haters can understand. First we done to Chase Down the turkeys. No Man could move that fast while lugging a Beer Chest. We sit in a hollowed out tree log with Bushes on our head and we make a female Turkey noise with a Little Reedy rubber Gizmo that sounds like a fat Man blowing his nose. If you re a male Turkey this sounds like a female Turkey saying a they rambo Wanna party a but lets say you done to want a Tom Turkey. You want a female. Most females Are smarter than the males so about the Only ones you have a Chance with Are the jail bait female turkeys the ones that were hatched this Spring. You can buy a Honker called a a Skee Kee run that will make Mem think they re going to an . Hammer concert. Sometimes ten or Twenty of Mem will run up to you together like you re the new kids on the Block Road manager. You can kill a lot More of these because they re smaller. We professional Turkey Hunters Call this the roman Polanski technique. But the True Turkey Hunting experts want to get old gobblers the ones that Are so old they done to mate anymore and so you done to have a Chance using the singles bar line. They re just like human old people though. All they Wanna do is sit around and talk to other old turkeys and complain about their children. So what do you do you make these horrible yelping sounds which is what old gobblers sound like when they re whining and makes the elderly turkeys think you Are an elderly Turkey too and so you might be willing to listen to him. I and so they slowly wander Over to you but they re ornery. They done to Trust you. You be got to keep talking forever a and its Worth it because they re the biggest turkeys you can kill. And so you throw in stuff like a there Hasni to been any decent music since Tommy Dorsey died Quot and Quot that Sid Caesar a now there was a and pretty soon the Turkey comes Over to bore you a Only As soon As he does he gets three tons Linda Blair grimacing stars in a a repossessed with Ned Beatty and Lana Schwab. Creator Syndicate of Shotgun pellets in his cute Little elderly or. Grandpa Turkey face. And Wanda thinks this is cruel to animals. This is an Art form. And speaking of huge turkeys repossessed sounded like a great idea Leslie Nielsen performs an exorcism on Linda Blair. But its one of those deals that can to decide whether it wants to be a pure Dee naked gun Ripoff with 9,000 sight gags or have a real honest to god comedy plot and so its neither fish nor fowl Turkey nor Carp. Its got some horse laughs in it but you keep going Quot i be laughing again by now a i done to Wanna be too hard on it though because Linda Blair is the ultimate drive in Star of the eighties. As hassling announcer Gene Oker Lund says a Nice breasts but a face i Wanna wipe my feet actually he does no to say breasts. He does no to say atomic Duffel bags either but he should have. A actually even when Linda Blair is spewing vomit All Over her family like she is in this movie she gets More attention from red blooded american males than Playboy playmates do. Something about that East German shot Putter took that just drives the Guys wild. For once in my life in a stumped. I can to figure it out. Four breasts. Poodle dog ground up in a tree Branch compactor. Fire breathing. One motor vehicle Chase. 745 sight gags. Evian holy water. Gratuitous rap song. Gratuitous Wally George. Gratuitous Jack Lalanne. A 54 on the vomit meter. Drive in Academy award nominations for Bob Logan the same writer and director who made that timeless video Classis up your Alley for having the courage to put an Oliver North joke in a 1990 movie and of course Linda for caking on the cracked skin makeup ratting her hair puckering up again after All these years turning herself into a giant ice Cream Cone and screaming a lick me lick me a a what an actress. Two and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe sob or to get free junk in the mail and his world famous a a we Are the weird7, newsletter write . Box 2002, Dallas to 75221, or Call 900-4-Joebob $1.50 first minute 75 cents each additional a a Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214-368-2310. Page 4 to plus sunday november 18,1990
