European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 18, 1990, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Frozen Turkey dinners Are filled with great danger have Barry Knight Rujder newspapers thanksgiving is a time when we pause to. Bucu Rerp. Excuse me. Thanksgiving is a time when we pause to remember the courageous sacrifice of Burro Tripp. Who. Sorry. We pause to remember the courageous sacrifice of numerous turkeys and their ancestral for turkeys before them without which the american nation would weigh about 15 pounds less per american. You probably have your own Turkey recipe but you have not had Turkey until you taste it the Way i make it. People will take just one bite of a Turkey and exclaim Quot Arentt you supposed to remove this plastic bag containing Turkey organs before you put it in the oven a not me pal. Those organs Are scary. I m not putting my hand inside a dark Turkey orifice with them until in a sure they Are dead so i recommend cooking the tar out of the Turkey then firing a couple of machine gun bursts into it just in Case. We Call this a Turkey Miami  thawing is also important. For Best results you should Start thawing your Turkey about three weeks ago because your modern supermarket Turkey is Frozen to the hardness of state Capitol floors. In fact thanks to genetic engineering Many modern turkeys Are actually grown Frozen. Yes they Start out As Frozen embryos and they Are genetically engineered so they have no head or feathers they also have cooking instructions right on their skin. You go to a modern Turkey farm and All you see Are these Rock hard breasts running around bouncing off each other like Bowling balls. They have a Public address system that does their gobbling for them. So let your Turkey thaw out thoroughly is my advice and then Cook it or throw it into the garbage. We had to do this once with a Turkey that thawed out a Little too much and smelled like a pair of Post game Rugby shorts. An important cuisine tip which has been handed Down through generations of famous european chefs is make sure your dog cannot get your Turkey out of your garbage. We failed to follow this lip and our Large main dog Earnest found the Turkey and ate the whole thing then capped off her elegant dining experience by taking maybe 10 Steps and throwing up the entire Turkey in the living room. A whoa a is the thought that at this Point formed inside her brain which is the same Model found in Broccoli. A am i Ever going to get in trouble for this a so she started walking the Way dogs do when they re guilty of something wherein they Hunch Way Down on the floor and creep along on their stomachs snakelike using just their toenails for traction. This caused our Small emergency backup dog Zippy to become confused and think that maybe he had done something wrong so when i walked into the living room there was a Semi digested Turkey carcass being slowly orbited by what appeared to be two hairy whimpering snakes. Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination they would All immediately confess to it. Whereas you la never see a cat display any kind of guilty behaviour despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the Grassy Knoll area not that i wish to Start  kidding Fusak wuss Polan America by the numbers twin peaks Calif. Three notch Ala. Four Points Fla. Five islands Maine ten sleep Wyo. Eleven mile Comer Ariz. Twelve mile ind. Twenty nine Palms Calif. Fifty six Ark. Eighty four a source. . Postal Sende Ereal first names of three presidents Grover Cleveland Stephen Woodrow Wilson Thomas Calvin Coolidge John source word feature Syndicate speaking of thawing and dogs and the warm glow that we ail feel at thanksgiving it seems appropriate Here to bring up the matter of the 1,000 Frozen radioactive Federal dogs in California. I am not making these dogs up. Several Alert readers sent me an editorial about them that appeared in the Fresno Bee motto a a Fresno a most comically named newspaper. It seems that in 1958 the Federal government which As you know is always looking for expensive new ways to appear ridiculous began an Experiment wherein 1,000 beagles were regularly injected with radiation to see what happens when you inject beagles regularly with radiation. The last Beagle died in 1986, and All of their bodies which Are radioactive Are being kept in Frozen storage near Davis Calif., along with a this is still True a 34,000 Gallons of radioactive Beagle waste. So far this project has Cost $65 million not including disposal which is expected to Cost a lot More although nobody has figured out How to accomplish it yet. My suggestion would be to simply Federal express everything to Iraq. A Large cold package for or. Hussein a but in a sure the experts will think of something better. That a Why we have experts so the rest of us can just sit around digesting our turkeys and being thankful de Angeus Rome Italy i Page 24 c to plus sunday november 18,1990