European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 28, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Its Here it s real s Dave Barry knig lit Ridder newspaper Hen you have been an exp Cri a need highly accurate profession Al journalist for As Long As i have you develop a Quot sixth sense Quot about spotting a news trend that has the two elements that arc absolutely essential for a major Story a a a \ a 1. The potential destruction of All life on the a 2. . A a i regret to report that we Are experiencing such a trend now. Consider the following True items item one according to newspaper articles sent in by Many Alert readers livestock in England Are experiencing an epidemic of a a mad cow disease a a disorder that strikes the brains of cows yes cows have brains and causes them to act even stupider than usual. Recent reports state that the disease has now crossed the English Channel to France and there is no reason to believe that it could not come Here what with the cheaper air fares. Item two according to a Columbus Dis. Patch article a Mcconnelsville Ohio woman was recently awarded $85,000 by a jury for injun. Rfcs. She suffered when she was attacked by a a crazed  the article states that a a few Days after eating wilted wild Cherry leaves. The cow became hostile Quot and then Quot with saliva running from its Mouth a chased the woman Down an pm Bank mint. V a item three Alert Reader Ralph Grummett wrote in to report that one time in new York state his Cousin left his clothes on a tree limb while he went swimming in a Creek and a cow ate his undo shorts. Item four dozens of Alert readers mailed in a Seattle times article that begins Quot work Crews in cast King county Are racing the clock in an Effort to dispose of hundreds of drowned livestock before the decomposing animals explode.�?�. Item five Alert Reader Steve Ringle sent an article front the Pisca Taquis Maine observer. Which reports the following Calls to the Pisca Taquis county sheriffs department a Quot Bowerbank a possible Moose parts on  Quot Sebec a beavers backed water up in  Quot Dover Foxcroft a Large dog walked into House and ate a  \. I admit that this last item docs not technically involve cows pm including it in Case your travel plans involve Pisca Taquis county which apparently is experiencing a crime wave. My main Point however is that when we Analyse items one through four we see a Clear pattern of Bovine terrorism wherein the world cow population which for so Many years was con tent to just stand around producing Dairy products has suddenly gone on an International rampage. I know what you re thinking. You re thinking Quot surely the scientific Community is doing some. Thing about this a hah if you believe that Scien lists Are going to solve this problem 1 have a great. Deal for you on an orbiting space  is what the scientific Community is doing Accord. Ing to an associated press article sent in by Alert Reader David Carl Scharff. Quot Amherst mass. A using computers sophisticated imaging equipment and genetic map Ping University scientists Are trying to develop a super cows in the laboratory.�?�. Great just what we need cows Are running amok and scientists want to make them stronger perhaps even giving them a Ray vision and the Power of flight a a a a  the scariest element in this Story is an Arti Cle from the feb. 18 Arkansas Gazette sent in by the parents of Alert baby Zachary France. The Story states that a Farmer named James. Thorne in Berryville ark., had five of his cows die under what he believes were mysterious Cir eur instance s. The local sheriff claims they died of a bacteria disease but Thorne claims that they had mysterious cuts and that Quot each of the cows had her sex organs  a a a a a a a a a the Story adds that Thorne began to suspect alien beings after two a Tufo investigators from Forsyth mo., came out to inspect one of the de a ceased cows a quota Thorne said the team concluded that aliens had visited and used a laser to kill the cow and remove the organs.�?�. A of. Lets try to stay Calm Here and just review the Basic facts \. 1. Cows Are acting weird. 2. Alien beings appear to be making off with intimate Bovine organs. 3. Somewhere in Maine there is a i arc pier eating dog on the Loose. A a a a a a a what docs All this mean Are we in danger should we take precautions until we get some solid answers i am urging everyone to remain on the Alert and to heed the advice of the . At Gorncy general who when asked about these alarming developments responded and i quote Quot  Abart Amsterdam Netherlands no kidding names of selected companies in Hong Kong 1, sincere underwear co. 2 plastic Bacon factory 3. Chinese permanent cemeteries 4. Cunning investments co. 5. God Given development co. 6. Earth fats investments co. Source names delacorte press 1986 toppings on the worlds most expensive pizza 10 Matsutake mushrooms $390 2 ounces Beluga caviar $157 2 pieces fresh abalone $27 other toppings $55 total $629 served in Mino Japan source Boston Globe Quot of we be saved the whales. Now what Quot Page 24 a sunday april 23, 1991