European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 30, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse I a. In a a Aru y��r.?bd5rwrrfcma. Dave Barry Knight Ridder newspapers i was feeling Good that morning. I woke up to the Happy discovery that not a single one of our major Home appliances had broken during the night and we still had running water which is highly unusual in our household then i got both dogs All the Way outside without getting the wee wee of Joy on my feet. It looked like it was going to be a great like a fool i picked up the newspaper. You should never pick up a newspaper when you re feeling Good because every newspaper has a special department called the Bummer desk which is responsible for digging up depressing front Page stories with headlines like Doorbell use linked to leukaemia and Ozone layer completely gone directly Over your House. Of this particular morning the Story that punched me right in the eyeballs was headlined lefties lives Shorter study says so. You probably read about this. Researchers. Did a study showing that left handed people live an average of nine years less than right handed people this was very alarming to me because in a left-handed-,.along with 10 percent of the population As Well As Many famous historical figures such As Napoleon Leonardo a Vinci Sandy Koufax. Speedy Alka seller and Flipper. President Bush is also left handed which has raised a troublesome constitutional Issue because every time he signs a Bill ii to Law he drags his Haik Hirough his signature and messes it up. No body knows whether this is Legal. A this does no to look like a signature a the supreme court observed in one recent cases this looks like somebody killed a spider on the Federal Highway authorization because of the Way we write most of us lefties go through life with big Ink smears on the edges of our left hands. When i first saw the newspaper article about lefties dying sooner i thought maybe the cause would be Ink absorption. Or maybe it would be related to the fact that we. Spent our entire academic careers sitting with our. Bodies twisted clockwise so we. Could write on those stupid right hand Only have this daydream wherein the inventor of those desks is shipwrecked on. A Remote Island and some natives come out of the Jungle and he Waves at them in what he thinks is a Friendly manner unaware that this is the fierce Wago ondi tribe and if you wave at them with your left hand they treat you like a god but if you wave with your right hand they play the Happy Snake game with your intestines. A not that i am bitter. Nor and i bitter about the fact that i always got bad grades in Art class because i work scissors designed for. Right handed people on night when All the children Sart projects were put up for display mine was the one that looked As though the. Paper had been chewed to pieces by shrews. Nor am i bitter about Gravy ladles. And if you done to understand Wilfy in a hot bitter about Gravy ladles just try using Ope with your left a a. -. A. A. A but i have to admit that 1 am a Little bitter. About this business of dying nine years Early. According to the researchers a major reason for this is that left handers have a lot More accidents than right handers. I know Why this is we read books backward really when left handers pick up books they tend to Start Reading from the last Page. This saves us a lot of time with murder mysteries but its a bad habit when we re Reading say the in auctions Lor operating a Barbecue Grill and we begin with a step 147 ignite a. I myself have always been Accident prone especially when 1 attempt to designed for right handed people the extreme example beings amps Sharon Kilday Chain saws which should not be Legal to sell to left hander s. I had one Back during the Energy. Crisis when i had installed a Wood burning stove it our fireplace in an Effort to reduce our Energy. Consumption by covering the entire household with a thick insulating layer of spot. Near our House was a Large tree which 1 realized could Supply our soot needs for the better part of the Winter. A. So one Day i strode out and drawing on my skills As an English major started making strategic cuts designed to cause the tree to fall away from the House. I even called my wife out to. Watch the tree fall and those of you who Are la Miliar with situation comedies have already Fig ured out what happened the Trcic which was clearly right handed fell in the exact wrong direction chuckling audibly All the Way Down and missing the living room by maybe 6 inches. My wife who thought i had planned to have the tree do this said a that was great a i replied a a Surg a or words to that effect because my brain was Busy trying to get my heart going again. Speaking of which some scientists think that left handed Peoples brains work completely differently from right handed Peoples brains. I read an article once that theorized that left handers arc a different species from right handers. Isnit that silly As if we were aliens or something. What nonsense planet foolish this Over take will we Day one. No kidding real names of screen stars 1. Brigitte Bardot a Camille javal2. To Derek a Cathleen Collins. 3. Marilyn Monroe a Norma Jean Baker 4. Raquel Welch a Racquel Tejada 5. Jean Harlow a Harlean Carpentier 6. Jayne Mansfield a Vera Jane Palmer source world features Syndicate 8 questions of the moment 1. A did i pass a a. 2. A do you love me Quot 3. A Are they married a 4. A Are you Over 18?&Quot 5. Quot is it cancer Quot 6. Quot is it a boy or a girl a 7. Quot am i mentioned in the will Quot 8. A a what a wrong officer Quot source. Laugh Lmh a fact finder. A Arnould. Toronto Canada i Vav Ifju u Quot you want me to do it at Quot Page 24 a sunday june 30. 1991
