European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 21, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse Loads of spice peppers shootout flick a do or die ave you noticed How every time you go in a restaurant these Days some loony in a painters Smock comes out carrying a 5-foot-Long marital Aid full of Pepper and asks you if he can grind some of it out on your food How did this tradition get started if this is so important to your food How come nobody did it till about 10 years ago a a would you like some fresh Pepper Quot the Guy says and he a pointing this scud missile at your plate. The thing is so big he has it mounted on his shoulder like a Bazooka. He always says this when you just received your salad and you re holding the in your hand. What Are you supposed to say a no thank you i prefer this Grady stale Pepper in the Little plastic bottle that looks like its been sitting Here since my three sons went off the what you re really thinking is a do i even want Pepper on this food what is this blackened monkfish elephant saute gunk Gonna taste like anyhow it looks like it will taste like a Goodyear tire. If i put Pepper on it it might just taste like a Goodyear tire with Pepper on it. And even if it does t taste like a Goodyear tire the Pepper might taste like a Goodyear tire and so there Are Way too Many do scions to make about it right now while i have my Fork poised in attack this is what you should say but what do you really say a ooh yes fresh Pepper Mem Mumm can to this is what the Guys waiting for. He goes into this nigerian belly dance with a lot of Elbow action while he grinds that stuff out and circles your plate like he a dumping rat repellent around a donuts and then helps put two quarts of Pepper on top of your gabardine endive tartar or whatever it is he says a say when a the other Day this happened to me for about the 10 Millionth time and i turned to Wanda Bodine and i screamed at her a what the hell is Pepper anyhow and Why do i need it a she said a i done to know. I think its some kind of Flower that they grind the Guy in the Betty Crocker Valet Park cry a uniform came Over and said a is something wrong a i said a yeah you put too much Pepper on my Gazpacho Lotus he said a a in a i said a a it Sok. Ill pay for All the mutilated Flowers i ate. In a just putting you on notice that in a taking control of my life of a he said a i and he did. Speaking of american traditions the latest movie is Here from the husband Wile filmmaking team of Andy and Arlene Sidaris the couple that combines the Best in exploding helicopters Nek kid bazookas Playboy playmates bodybuilders and the mutilation of Small helpless animals. This time they even have. Gratuitous Pat Morita its called do or die yet another in the unlikely spy series that will soon surpass James Bond in sheer number of episodes. Actually Andy does no to make sequels he makes the same movie Over and Over again. My kind of Guy. Once again undercover Federal agents and cd play match Dona Secir and Roberta Vasquez Are on the run from an International crime Boss Pat Morita who mostly hangs around a Penthouse apartment getting nude body rubs from Carolyn Liu who is a of my god what a coincidence a another Playboy playmate in the very first scene of the flick Pat tells the agents a i am compelled to kill you a and then tells them he has hired six teams of assassins to Hunt them Down. A Why go to All this trouble to kill us a asks one of the plasma. Or. Federal agents. Because if he did to there would t be a movie then Pat follows that action on a Nintendo screen where his a teams of assassins evaporate in a burst of space invaders special of facts As they vainly attempt to track Down Kidnap torture or murder these wily nymphomaniac secret agents. This is actually the sixth in a series of movies that include seven Malibu express Picasso trigger Savage Beach and guns. Its the second one to feature Erik Estrada in a role that requires actual talking. As usual the action takes place in Hawaii Las vegas Texas and Louisiana. The action always takes place in Hawaii Las vegas Texas and Louisiana and the reason for that is. Or. Us. I called up Andy to ask him. A the reason for that is that i write these scripts in four Days a he said. A then Arlene puts things in them like. Arlene what was that thing you put in the script continuity. We have continuity. And plot development. She puts that in there this is one of the bestselling series of films round the world. In a not kidding. And its the first one where you can follow the whole plot without getting lost. Twenty breasts. Fourteen bodies. One dead cat. One dead Duck. Five motor vehicle chases. Exploding helicopter. Exploding Volkswagen with fireball. Exploding boat. Exploding ninjas. Heli copter and jeep Chase. Two machine gun Battles. Two hot tub scenes. Gratuitous Model air plane Competition. Kung fun. Hula fun. Throwing Star fun. Jct ski fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Pat Morita As the evil Oriental businessman for saying a let the games begin a Roberta Vasquez for looking up at a helicopter that a buzzing her jeep and screaming a Donna he a got a gun a Dona Secir three time breast actress Winner for being chased by a Van spraying machine gun fire at her and saying a ooh Damn a and for screaming a you can to treat me like one of your bimbos a Carolyn Liu As Mori tags Girlfriend for saying a ooh that arouses All of my senses a Ava Cadell for wearing the tightest fitting outfit Ever seen in the movies and saying a you drive ill shoot Cynithia Brimhall miss october 1985, for singing a Down on the Bayou Quot in a see through cowgirl lingerie outfit Erik Estrada for saying a synchronize your watches a yes he really said this Stephanie Schick an Ai Joe Bob Briggs creators Syndicate Lanta Model for aardvark ing under a Waterfall Burch Penhall As secret agent Shane for saying a i can to get Over it a i shot a Duck and Andy and Arlene for never forgetting their drive in roots. Four stars. Joe Bob says Cheek it release of the week killing spree 1987. A psycho jealous husband in West Palm Beach slices off Heads pushes a Guy up into a whirring ceiling fan chainsaws a repair Man Lawn boys a Gardner a hands rips an old woman a Throat out with a claw Hamm mar because he thinks his wife is cheating on him a then fights off All the mutilated zombies who come Back from the dead to kill him before committing suicide with a Hacksaw a cinematic first. File it under a a american a Voriest Home bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism the Mustang drive in in Guelph Ontario on the shores of Lake Huron is having a great year continues its dusk to Dawn All fighters and has installed radio sound. John Charles of Guelph reminds us that with eternal vigilance it wont happen Here. Dear Joe Bob help me with this. I always wondered about the scene where the Good Witch of the North Glinda says Quot have you got your Broomstick with you a and Dorothy says a Well no Quot and Glinda says a Well then you la have to excuse me Joe Bob but Dorothy just brought her whole House to Munchkin and and she did no to have a Broomstick in it Illumin Opee Garland Texas dear Ell in be been pondering the philosophical implications of your Point about the Broomstick and actually the moral of the wizard of of becomes Quot we All need friends to help us figure out there a no place like Home a unless we re intelligent in which Case we can avoid the friends go straight to the top and finish the Job in 20 i like this. Its the my Way version of the flick. Dear Joe Bob i was born in Texas but have lived in California Many years. While i have grown in sophistication i still retain my appetite for trashy entertainment. 1 can to however Bear the dumb dialogue in most horror films. Are there any with subtitles almost any language would do. Respectfully . Williams Ben Lomond Calif. Dear ., the Best horror films in the world have subtitles. The ones from Hong Kong Ever seen 12 live chickens speared and beheaded before the title of the movie they take their horror seriously. And the ones from Italy. Check out the original demons. The american version had to be watered Down. Better yet Check out the Eye Talian classic make them die slowly the grossest movie Ever made. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Dob. Or to get Iree junk in the mail and his world Lamous to Are the weird new Sletor. Write p o Box 2002 Dallas to 75221, or lax him at 214 368 2310. File Pat Morita and Dona Speir in do or die. July 21 1991 sunday a
