European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 6, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                I last laugh one whiff and wild women Are turned. Off Dave Barryte Miami Herald most american Guys arc reluctant to use fragrances on the theory that if you Start wearing perfume you re heading Down a Slippery slope that will inevitably Lead to Rouge leotards watching Oprah Etc. So most Guys prefer to Emit Only natural male Aromas such As . And Ketchup. To change this Altitude the fragrance Industry has for years been running an advertising Campaign based on the theme that a fragrance wearing Guy will need a fully charged cattle prod to fend off Semi naked women. You be seen the Magazine ads which usually feature a Guy being stared at by a woman whose facial expression says �?o1 am receiving your fragrance lets have carnal relations right Here in the Magazine a the thing is when i hear real women talk about what they find attractive in a Man they never mention fragrance. Women Don t care about shallow superficial qualities. Women care about spiritual issues such As does the Man have cute buns take my research department Judi Smith. I want to stress that Judi is happily married to her husband Tim a total stud muffin and sex Wolverine. But sometimes for research purposes Judi puts photographs of male models on the office Wall and these photographs tend to be Bun oriented. So the question is do male fragrances really at tract women in an Effort to find out 1 conducted a scientific test of two fragrances for men starting with Giorgio Cologne for men i selected Giorgio because it met my stringent criterion namely i got a free publicity Sample in the mail. I used the Standard scientific lest procedure of 1 sneaking up behind the males in my office 2 firing a burst of Cologne at their Heads and 3 sprinting off to a Safe distance. The results were As follows a the males reacted to Giorgio in exactly the same Way that a cockroach reacts to raid. If there had been a giant refrigerator nearby they would have scurried under it. A females in the Vicinity of the Giorgio treated. Males definitely experienced a passionate emotion. A what is that smelt a is How they expressed it. To my knowledge the office staff went through the entire working Day without a single episode of carnal relations. This was bad news for Giorgio but Good news for the human Gene Pool considering the Guys in my office. I had higher Hopes for the next fragrance product liquid Magnet 1 found out about this thanks to Alert Reader Robert t. Germaux who sent me a mail advertisement that begins a would you like to turn Beautiful women on instantly would you like Beautiful girls to ignore your face and stare at your pants a frankly no because of the Ravioli stains. But anyway according to the and liquid Magnet contains a Quot rare distilled Swiss pheromone formula that is irresistible to women. If you Wear it the and claims a a Salesgirl dental hygienists and other women will try to touch you and May reach for your private parts a i personally would not be thrilled if i were having my Teeth cleaned with a suction Hose in my Mouth and drool All Over my bib and. A dental hygienist wearing gloves and a mask suddenly lunged for my personal Region. Especially if she were holding a Sharp instrument. But i Felt it was important to test this product so 1 generously sent off $39.95 of my newspapers Money. Weeks later i received a Small crushed torn oozing Brown package that looked As though it had been delivered by Edward scissor hands. In Side was a leaking cheap plastic Spray bottle containing a Yellowish fluid that you might mistake for Public restroom deodorant if you did no to know it was a rare distilled Swiss pheromone formula. I sprayed some on myself and on a colleague Jon Dorschnor. Then in a courageous act of journalism we walked into the newsroom despite the very real danger of attack by gangs of lust crazed women. The results were striking. We walked by at least two dozen women engaged in their Normal work routines and the instant we got close every single one of these women continued to engage in her Normal work routine. We were forced to lean close to some of them so they could become crazed with lust. A notice anything Quot we said arching our eyebrows. A yuck a they said moving away. A a that seven worse than Giorgio a announced Judi who refused to remain in the same room with liquid Magnet. We Are forced to conclude that either 1 these particular pheromones work Only on Swiss people or 2 liquid Magnet is a scam. Maybe fragrance is not the Way to a woman a heart after All. Maybe we men instead of using superficial tricks should concentrate on Bucom ing More sensitive and Loving and caring. Although i personally would recommend surgical Bun augmentation. Horror movie ads 1. A it s not human and its got an axe a the prey. 2 a you can to keep a Good monster Down a the ghost of Frankenstein 3. Quot the strangest love a Man has Ever known a a Dracula 4. A the s just As funny As his old Man was fierce a a son of Kong 5. Quot a love Story that lived for 3,000 years a a the Mummy 6. Quot today the Pond tomorrow the world a a frogs 7. Quot a lion in your Lap a a Bwana Devil source world features Syndicate fiddy London England of there you Are mrs 8rapley i silly me i be just been chatting to your cat copyright a 1991, cartoonists amp writers Syndicate Page 24 sunday do id bar 6, 1991