European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 22, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Natures coat rack nothing to shrug off Andy Rooney in previous essays we have looked into such parts of the Anatomy As the Elbow the thumb the Eyebrow the nose and the knee. Today let us look at the shoulder. Architecturally a Case could be made for the shoulder being the most significant part of the body. Nothing gives the clothed body More of a look than the shape of a person s shoulders. It should be noted that the shoulder is one of Only 10 body parts that come in pairs. We do not have the space Here to list the other nine. It is important to Point out that we All have two shoulders because it would be pointless to have shoulders if each of us did no to have Matching ones. This is because shoulders Are used primarily in everyday life As the most convenient Hod part from which to hang clothes. That is Why the shoulder is shaped like a Hanger. The shoulder s design May very Well have been taken from the Hanger. There is no other explanation for the shape of the shoulder if it weren to made to look like a Hanger. If we did t have shoulders there would he no sue i thing As shoulder straps suspenders or strapless evening gowns. The purpose of a strapless evening gown is to Point out that women have ways other than hanging them with straps from their shoulders to keep their dresses from falling Dow n. The shoulder has been put to other less common uses. It is used As a place to put some identifying cloth sign called a a shoulder  Quot while they Are not among the most expressive parts As Are hands and eyes shoulders Are the Only things we have that we can shrug. If someone is looking for a fight the shoulder is the traditional place for the person to put a Chip. When someone knocks the Chip off the shoulder it is taken As a sign the other person wants to fight. The Winner of the fight is said to be head and shoulders above his opponent. The loser will probably Slink off stoop shouldered. When someone wishes to take on responsibility he or she shoulders it. If a person wishes to turn someone away or give someone the impression he or she is not wanted the person gives him the cold shoulder. It is interesting to note that if the person wants to encourage someone else there is no such thing As giving him the hot shoulder. A shoulder can he offered by a sympathetic person to someone in distress to cry on. A capable person who to Good at handling hard jobs is said to have Broad shoulders. A hard worker puts his shoulder to the wheel. The phrase a puts his shoulder to lie wheel Quot has almost disappeared irom our language because no sensible person in today a world would do that. What wheel would a person put his shoulder to one could t get ones shoulder anywhere near the wheel of ones automobile. Wheelbarrow wheels Are totally inaccessible to the shoulder so the phrase really makes no sense in today a world and 1 doubt very much if it made any sense in yesterdays world. Broad shoulders Are considered to be an indication of competence although there is no evidence that people who have them Are any More capable than people w Ith narrow shoulders. When someone tries to get in line in front of you he is said to have shouldered his Way in. It will come As a Surprise to Many younger people that in years gone by w Hen a boy and a girl were in a romantic mood alone together in a ear after a school dance the boy put his Arm around the girl s shoulder. 1 his was considered a very sexy thing to do Back then. There Are Many uses of he word shoulder that do not Bear directly on the human Anatomy. The Edge of a Road is called the shoulder. Trib Imu Media a Orvious Andy Rooney is a Lormor slurs and stripes reporter. A Jingle Bells a a Silver Bells and other dog Carol by Kevin Cowherd the Baltimore evening Sun recently i snapped on the car radio and found myself listening to the singing dogs rendition of Jingle Bells which is the single most horrible Christmas song of All time. For those fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with the lyrics imagine two or three skittish Labrador retrievers trapped in a burning building r and Barking frantically. Suddenly the Barking takes on a hauntingly familiar cadence Quot Quot Quot proof proof proof a a proof proof proof a a proof proof proof proof  the effect of All this on the Central nervous system is incredible. Instantly i could feel a pounding in my head and a shortness of breath that suggested the beginning of hyperventilation. By the second chorus it was All i could do to keep the car on the Road. Several times we veered dangerously close to a Bridge abutment As 1 screamed a turn it off turn it off somehow i managed not to Black out eventually pulling into a service station to regain my composure. The incident left me shaken and depressed mainly because i realized that we will be hearing these awful songs for Many Days to come a Strong candidate for runner up in the worst Christmas song category is the terrifying grandma got run Over by a Reindeer. This is the thoroughly unconvincing tale of a Reindeer that runs amok on Christmas  and tramples an elderly woman. Incredibly the singers themselves flan and Patsy were the original ahem artists make Light of the entire tragedy. The song is so annoying that in less than ? seconds the listener is actively rooting for the Reindeer to return and Gore both the narrators and their grandpa a and perhaps Bury the bodies in a shallow grave. Between its Bleak lyrics Quot you can say there a no such thing As Santa. A and uninspired Melody the song quickly leaves the listener dealing a physician to inquire about anti depressant medication. While we re on the theme of animals a particularly insipid version of Jingle Bells by Alvin and the chipmunks is still aired on occasion. It is Sung if that a the word in a screeching Chip Funky voice that would Peel the paint off a battleship. 1 know people w to Are ready to pick up shotguns and go looking for Alvin and his Little friends when they hear it. The Little drummer boy has its moments but by the 20th a a rum pah Pum Pum Quot one begins to seriously consider converting to hinduism and moving to a Remote ashram thereby avoiding Christmas music altogether. The version of the Little drummer Bov by Perry Como is considered the Standard by which All other irritating versions Are measured. As with All of Comous songs it is so Laid Back that the listener soon finds Himsel yawning uncontrollably while reaching for a Pillow. Until now i have refrained from mentioning / a to Mommy kissing Santa Claus preferring not to overburden the Reader with disturbing thoughts too Early in the essay. The Sappy version Sung by the dysfunctional Jackson five some years ago is the worst of the worst. Phis was by torn Michael Cut out the picture of a Young Diana Ross and burst into the offices of a startled Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon and shouted a there make me look like her Quot whipped along by the hormonal stirrings of the Young Jacksons the song vaguely alludes to some sort of tryst Between a woman and a Man dressed in a Santa outfit who May or May not be the woman s lawfully wedded husband. In any event the Jacksonsr Cal caught in Llie screen door falsetto and syrupy improvisations t did i did i did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus a will leave most listeners feeling As if they had just survived a near death experience. We could go on and on listing truly awful c Christmas songs Jim Nabors droning through Silver belts. Tile carpenters and their Saccharine fuelled frosty the snowman. Barry Manilow a hailing rendition of silent night which suggests a Man fighting through the Hae of a Barbiturate overdose. Funny. I just fell a chill. December 22. 1991 cinday a Page 7