European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 22, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse This is no time to egg on baby Boomer we be been in counselling All week with my Good Friend Chloris sturtivant better known As ugly on a stick who went slightly ape last year after she gave birth to an allegedly swedish but suspiciously mexican looking son named Bjorn. We never have figured out who the father was but that suits ugly on a stick just Fine because she did no to really want a husband a she just wanted to prove she could give birth to something that had a vague humanoid shape. Too Young to Tell yet what we did no to count on was that ugly would look through a ladies Home journal after that and find this article about How you could make $2,000 for donating your eggs to 55-year-old ladies who wonder a if in be waited too late to have my first its a �?T90s thing the idea is that you take this Young Frisky egg out of a healthy Young woman like ugly on a stick and you shoot it up with All kinds of super hypo energizers and then you a a fertilizer it with some you know what and then every soap opera Star can realize her dream of having children who will be 3 years old when they turn 65. They done to even have to have a husband to do this. They can get Gay Guys from the cast to go in on it with Mem. It was one thing to learn that ugly on a stick was going in for egg gouging surgery. What we did no to realize is that she was going in nine times a week. Just in the past year ugly has earned Over $400,000 laying these eggs. You can to even match those numbers at pilgrims Pride. Personally i done to care diddly squat what ugly docs with her Pelvis but Wanda boding Felt strongly there were ethical considerations Here and she finally convinced me to talk to her. A ugly a i said a do you realize that there could be As Many As 900 Little ugly on a stick Feti growing in wombs All Over America a a is no to that wonderful a she said. A Bjorn will have relatives a a that a not important a i told her a besides which you re never allowed to come in Contact with any of those Feti after they grow up into humans. But i want you to consider this Chloris. All Over this country there Are women wearing too much makeup Many of them married to men with stomachs like the Pillsbury dough boy who have All their Hopes and dreams Riding on your a yes i think that a a Well ordinarily it would be wonderful a i told her. A but in be got to ask you one question and i want you to be absolutely honest with me. Tel me the truth. Did any of these people see a picture of you before they went in on the Deal a a none of them requested a snapshot no although that is a Nice a so do you realize ugly that Many of these people wont know exactly what their baby is Gonna look like for three four years you know How babies arc. First they look like . Then they look like a 102-year-old Man. Then they look like Alf. And then somewhere around the time they Stop puking in your face they begin to resemble a a yes a a and so the Only problem for you ugly is that in about three years elderly career mothers arc Gonna be screaming a my baby looks like Wil Ford Brimley my baby looks like Willord brim icy a and they re Gonna come after you with a Quot no Quot a yes. find a i done to believe a i d think about it if i were Vou a a yes Quot a a done to spread any More of those Little mutant eggs around of Quot a even if 1 get $2,000?&Quot a even if you get $2,000, its for the Good of the a i guess if you put it that a fall Over Beverly Hills people will silently thank a they will a a sure a whew speaking of candidates for a frontal Lobotomy the latest Linda Blair movie is Here a dead sleep where she a a nurse in a mental Hospital in Australia who can to figure out Why the weird doctor Heckett wants to keep All the patients in a drug induced coma All the time. She gets assigned to the Ward where zombies on life support experience a perfect peace As they lie there like watermelons All hooked up to the same Vine. She starts to get a Little suspicious when doctor Hackett keeps going into the rooms of Good looking female patients and not coming out for two hours. She gets a Little bit More suspicious when All the patients Freak out lose All their memory and occasionally die for no apparent reason. It bothers her a Little bit More when her own Boyfriend goes in for drug treatment and comes out looking like a homeless person on Downers fishing without a pole and then commits suicide in a Lily Pond. In other words its the old a How Many pc pc have to die a to movie plot with Tony Bonner As the mad doctor obsessed with a my techniques a my work and Linda As the courageous Young nurse who spends a lot of time in a tight fitting White Linen uniform. Unfortunately every Lime they try to make a horror flick in Australia they done to quite get enough blood into the Deal like they re trying to explain violence in a Nice Way and so it turns into quite a snoozer before the end. Still Worth checking out for drive in Queen Linda Quot she of the Chipmunk checks Blair who gives her usual excellent performance. Four dead bodies. Ten breasts. One motor vehicle crash and explosion with fireball. Electroshock fun. Thorazine fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Tony Bonner As the Clicc Treshock crazed doctor Hackett for saying a we have to help them in spite of themselves Quot and Quot you see the brain is just a mess of electrical circuits and Quot people Are like sheep a they done to want to take responsibility for their bodies or their minds Quot Brian Moll As the weasel by bureaucrat or. Shamburg for saying a i have no intention of triggering a psychiatric Witch Hunt Quot Peta Downes As the weird cd out actress who gets electro Shock and then can to remember her lines and the syringe wielding Linda looking better than Ever. Two stars. Joe Bob says Cheek it bobs advice to the hopeless communist Alert the super i3u drive in in Willingboro n.j., has gone dark and rumours abound that developers Are trying to snatch it up for a strip of fast food restaurants. Dan Taylor of Haddonfield is doing what he can but reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Jot Bob Brig it creator Syndicate dear Joe Bob As a hairy legged Warrior in Uncle Sam s army it is my duty to watch As Many cheap exploitative horror films As i have Lime for. However i am stationed in Germany also known As a the land of the falling Exchange rate Quot and have Only recently returned from the Middle East and it was Only pointed out to me yesterday that most of the people around Here done to speak any English and aside from that there Arentt any drive ins maybe those communists Are just playing Possum Here in Europe. What do you think Joe Bob. Should i and my friends take matters into our own hands spec. Andrew j. Bowers Erlanger Germany dear Andrew on the contrary Germany is the proud land of the flabby Thig hed sex comedy made popular by the immortal classic she a Nineteen and ready which earned millions of dollars in spite of the last that she Wasny Welland she Wasny to even ready. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob. Or to get tree junk in the mail and the world famous we Are me weird newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs p o Box 2002, Dallas. To 75221 or you can la Joe Bob at 214-368 2310december 22 1991 sunday a Page 17
