European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - December 22, 1991, Darmstadt, Hesse                                "�?�--�?y-t----1----irr"n Tui Trum  laugh these dogs prove they re As smart and hard As bar Dave Barry today s science question is who is smarter dons or tree this question is on our minds Here at the research Institute Lor looking out the window when we should he writing a column because of the behaviour of our stall dogs. We have two dogs on the stall a rare Cost our Large main dog who is powered by an Koo horse Hovver motor controlled by a tiny computer microchip originally designed Lor use in a whack a mole game. A Zippy our emergency backup dog Whit is basically a Small dimwitted Toupee with legs. Both of these dogs perform a number of routine duties Here at the Institute. Their most important duly is harking. 1 hey use the Energy conserving two dog alternating bark procedure a deep bark irom lamest follow cd immediately by a High irritating Yip from Zippy followed immediately by another bark Anil so on bark Yip bark Yip until morning. They implement this procedure whenever their keen senses Deleel that one of the billowing danger red Alert situations has occurred 1. Somebody is at the door. 2. Nobody is at the door. 3. Another dog a any dog anywhere in the universe a is harking 4. None of the above. Zippy performs two other main duties 1. Fretting sick on lizards. Here in South Llor Ida we have cute Little lizards All Over the place. You olten see them Halfway up the Wall holding very still As if thinking a How the hell did i get Quot up Here a k Zippy spends a huge portion of his Day relentlessly Hunting these lizards Down swallowing them then Barling them Back up in pieces. Here at the Institute we be been trying to explain this behaviour and we now believe that it dates Back sons when giant lizards roamed the Larch lumbering through the Jungle on huge legs shaking the ground stomp stomp s Tomp and making so much noise that they failed to hear the High pitched Yip irom was Down on the ground where Zippy s prehistoric ancestor the Small but fierce Saber tooth Loupee. Was warning them that they were in his territory. And so the lizards kept coming until stomp stomp stomp Yip  1 Zippy s ancestor was converted into a Saber toothed pizza. Millions of years later. Zippy is still ticked Oil about this. 2. I tying to get killed. Next door separated Itom us by a tall wooden Lence. Is a property with three big German Shepherd dogs till of whom look As though they should be named Bart. There is a Small crack under the Lence. And every Day Zippy goes to tie crack and barks vicious insults at the Barts causing them to become furious and Lake turns thrusting their snouts As far As they can through the crack in an Al tort to gel Zippy. Zippy has no idea How Large these dogs arc All he can see is a snout which is about his size. He is firmly convinced that he can kick the snout s butt in it would Only come out and fight like a Man. Lvery Day he gels More insulting Barking remarks about the Barts Mother driving them into a Iren yol rage. We re getting so sick of the noise that we re thinking about throwing Zippy Over the Lence to see How Lough lie is when confronted w Ith More than just the nasal sector of an opposing dog. The lizards favor this idea. A go ahead toss him Over they whisper irom up on the Wall. A the could use the exercise lamest ignores the lizards and the Barts. Ear nest s entire existence is focused on one goal getting a Squirrel. We have a Large battalion of squirrels Here at the Institute scampering from tree to tree and lamest spends hours racing around beneath them Barking the enticing message that they should please come Down so she can eat them. Hie squirrels never do this but sometimes they scamper along the top of the Fence which Lorms a sort of rapid transit Squirrel Monorail. I he Lence is High enough so that lamest can t reach the lop but whenever an express Squirrel comes scampering along. Lamest races alongside. Barking furiously gaining Speed sprinting harder and harder Barking louder becoming a blur taster Anil Laster until Bonk she runs head Lisl at approximately 2 1 Miles per hour into a tree that has been located in the same spot for 30 years. We personally have watched Earnest hit this tree Iii ree times although that is probably Only a Small fraction of i he actual total. These impacts have caused no discernible damage to Earnest. We think hat automobile manufacturers should Stop Messing around with such safety Grimm eks As air bags and Start milking car bumpers out of the Materia Earnest a head is made from. Whatever it is. It s definitely not brain tissue because Earnest has vet to make even the slightest Effort to avoid the tree. The tree on the other hand is definitely moving away front the Fence. Tin ? Mimi Herald to s to to 0 1 cd o cd fiddy London England a i ,. Ii. A v a 1 a a l Viv no k11 i i \ names almost used for a Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer 1. Rodney 2. Roddy 3. Roderick 4. Rollo 5. Roland 6. Reggy 7. Reginald 8 Romeo 9. Rudy names considered and rejected by author Robert May source Dartmouth College archivist non entertainers on Hollywood a walk of Fame 1. Hugh Hefner 2. Harold Robbins 3 Thomas Edison 4. George Eastman 5. Max Factor 6 astronaut Michael Collins 7 astronaut Buzz Aldrin 8. Astronaut Neil Armstrong Souh o the Hollywood walk of Fame Lemming Copenhagen Denmark Page 24 a sunday Luff Mhz if 100