European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 12, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Sipping through psychotic quartet of a campfire tales Arentt you sick of these places at the mall that sell guatemalan cinnamon Root Coffee Beans you know the places that have the Little japanese Ceramic mugs at the Back with pictures of spindly Cherry Trees on Mem and automatic Coffee makers from Germany that Cost 900 Bucks because after All if you re Gonna drink a $32 bag of Nairobi Aroma Black Beetle cappuccino mix then obviously you have to own a giant Chrome brew master that looks like a life support machine and you have to drink that liquid Giraffe juice out of a Mug that weighs seven pounds and reflects your entire Kitchen in its glistening Cobalt surface. You know what in a talking about when did this Coffee thing happen was t it about 10 years ago that everybody decided they hated Coffee remember what became the Universal after dinner cry of the Yuppie a do you have decaf a so when did everybody go from thinking Coffee drinking was a form of herpes to this new idea that a $14 cup of tahitian Vanilla wombat espresso will turn you into an Art director for music videos. I think i know who a behind this Deal. Look around these shoppes de cafe in the malls and Sec what the most expensive items for Sale Are. That a right pottery. Mug makers. Pot makers. Fat women in birkenstock sandals who live in Colorado. That a who a behind it. They know what they re doing. Done to Trust pm. Remember it Only takes one Coffee Swilling Bug eyed High Strung Yuppie to feed 37 Bovine potters per year. Done to add to the problem. Boycott foreign Coffee. Maxwell House la do just Fine. Speaking of insanity in the suburbs we have another one of those super grisly came out of nowhere Gor fests this week this time from the state of South Carolina. They usually come from Florida or Ohio two Guys named Paul Talbot and William Cooke hired Gunnar Hansen a better known As leather acc in the original Texas Chainsaw massacre a to sit around a campfire and Tell Gross stories to nerdy kids and the result is campfire tales. Its four Short films full of psychos zombies spewing guts and gouged eyeballs and they re All tied together by Gunnar a whiskey voiced narration. The first Story the Hook is a halloween Type Story about an escaped mental patient ripping the guts out of teen agers so he can make Jack Olan terns out of their Heads. The next one overtake is about dope Heads who buy killer Weed a literally a and find out the dope makes their faces fall off. The fright before Christmas is about a frustrated would be health spa owner who murders his mom and has to lace Santa Claus an a Mur Derer in a Santa suit. And finally the weirdest one of All. Skull and crossbones is about a pirate who lands on a desert Island inhabited by zombies. These Are the first zombies in history who fight with swords. Pretty decent for direct to video. The occasional bad acting is redeemed by Over the top Gross out City special effects. Twenty dead bodies. No breasts. Intestine ripping. Blood puking. Arm hacking. Multiple pizza faces. Finger eating. Face eating rats. A 78 on the vomit meter. Gratuitous pumpkin Pic. Heads Roll. Finger Rolls. Ear Rolls. Zombie fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Gunnar Hansen As Ralph the wino storyteller for saying a you boys know i ainu to Gonna Hurt you Quot Lora Podell As the Jamie Lee Curtis screamer for saying a take me Home a Jeff Jordan As a pus faced dope cad for saying a this has All natural ingredients so just shut up and smoke a a Paul Kaufmann As the mama killing psycho for saying a now that in a grown up i still want everything a and Harold Odom As the Black Zombie pirate for saying a i curse you i la be there on the other Side waiting for you Quot two and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the three screen Summit drive in on Manchester Road in Akron Ohio just got ripped Down so somebody could build a health spa. In its heyday the Summit had the Akron premieres of the cheerleaders Bob so Carol so Ted Scalice the Green berets and night of the living dead. Tom Cardarelli of Lima reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob regarding the letter from Bret Mccormick As a matter of fact in be heard for two or three years of someone in Texas impersonating me. One Call was even from a woman who said she had been engaged to him him As Wes crave but had become suspicious and broken it off. We be also had a fan Send a wrestling newsletter that featured a picture of this silly person posing with one of the wrestling hulks again claiming to be Wes Craven. In a not making Public appearances of any kind in Texas and anyone there doing so using my name is a fake. . Enjoyed your review of the bores. Wes Craven Culver City Calif. Dear Wes As Long As you re certain that you did no to dream a double of yourself that materialized in Texas ill be Happy to help track him Down get three or four wranglers together and show him what a horror film looks like from the inside. The upright citizens of Waxahachie Texas still remember you from deadly Blessing. Your locations Are on the famous movie events bus tour. Dear Joe Bob has anyone else out there noticed that Thelma so Louise is really just an expensive remake of assault of the killer bimbos both movies have about the same Story. Its like the director made someone a bet that he could take a drive in film and make millions with it. All it needed was 1 a rewrite 2 big names 3 a Good production 4 publicity to make it sound like some kind of Femi Joe Bob Briggs creators Syndicate nist manifesto. No one saw the drive in film but i liked it better anyway. Trouble is i Don t think Ridley Scott likes these women very much. The killer bimbos do get to Mexico where they get revenge and Justice however silly they Are. Thelma and Louise just get killed. Paul. Cowan Pacifica Calif. Dear Paul you re not the Only Guy that a pointed out the similarities. And assault of the killer bimbos was made by a woman a the talented Anita Rosenberg. Let history record that the drive in was first. Dear Joe Bob i believe 1 have found the worlds most disgusting flick. Its called Boxx sucking freaks. I believe this film is so horrible you would t show it on drive in theater. I dare you to watch this film and keep Down your dinner at the same time. Prepare yourself for the Waves of nausea. Barbara a. Cox . Navy Rota Spain dear Barb in be watched bloodsucking freaks Many times. I especially like the sucking brains through a Straw scene with Ralphus the midget. And i would gladly show it on drive in theater. Its the wusses i work for who wont show it. Dear Joe Bob to kill time on my Boring daily commute to work i listen to Book tapes. You know where they get some actor to read classic works of literature like Judith Krantzas . I have found that after a half hour of this my mind is completely blanked out and in a ready for a Day at the office. A i just finished Reading the cosmic Wisdom of Joe Bob Briggs and i had the following Brilliant idea Why done to you record your books on tape to spread your Wisdom to the Many commuters who done to have time to read not to mention your illiterate followers. In a serious Joe Bob. Have you Ever seen the stuff that is available on tape its High time that you jump in on the Book tape bandwagon. Anyway we have Only two drive ins left in Baltimore and one of them is next to a Mosquito infested Lagoon. I mean big blood sucking Mosquito do you think this is a communist plot at work Melissa Darwin Baltimore dear Melissa if i was to put my books on tape that Mould cover my illiterate ians. But what about my much larger group of fans who Don t know How to operate a tape recorder to discuss the meaning of Lite with Joe Bob. Of to got True Unk m the mail and his world Lamous we Are the weird newsletter wite Joe Bob Briggs. P o Box 2002. Dallas in /5221 Joe bub s lax line is always open 214 36b 2310 file Lori Tate near the Edge in campfire tales. January 12, 1992 sunday a
