European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 19, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Trying to voice a protest in phone matters Dave Barry q. Can you explain How electronic voice mail works a. To line out How electronic voice mail works please select answer one. O. How do i do that a. To find out How to select answer one. Please select answer two. O of i select answer two. A. To select answer one say a i select answer  q. I select answer one. A. Say a pretty please with sugar on top o. Tele me to in answer right now or ill strangle you with this Telephone Cord. A. Voice mail is a system that has been developed to eliminate the irritation of being placed on hold by Large companies. Now we have the irritation of an electronic voice that sounds like your grandmother idler an unsuccessful brain operation asking you a series of multiple Choice questions that you must answer correctly if you wish to speak to an actual human being who will place you on hold. Quot i q. Is the Telephone company developing any other new products or services a a. Yes. The Telephone company is working night and Day to turn your life into a giant wad of convenience. Very soon for example you will be Able to obtain a new Telephone service called c All preventing. Q. How will that work a. To find out How that will work say. Q. Done to Start that again. A. Call preventing is an exciting new Advance in communications whereby for a $22.50 additional monthly charge your Telephone company will prevent anybody from reaching you by Telephone. Q. What happens if a person dials my number a. Nothing. Q. What if it s an emergency such As my Mother calling because she needs me to drive her cat to the veterinarian because its throwing up critical organs and she does no to want to mess up her own car. Or my child s Day care Center is calling to inform me that my child got into a dispute in moving Plav Doh. And the other child involved is expected to regain at least some of her hearing but her father a Federal judge and karate instructor would urgently like to see me a. For situations like this there will be a special emergency ode that the caller could dial. Q. What would that do. A. Nothing. A. What if i need to reach a party who has Call preventing a. Then you la want to Purchase another exciting new Telephone company service called Call stalking. With this service which costs an additional $39.50 a month if the person you re calling fails to answer for any reason a such As that he is not Home or has moved and left no forwarding address or has entered the Federal witness protections program or is in the intensive care unit with tubes the  of Garden hoses in his nose a the Telephone company a computers which keep track of till americans via tiny transmitters in our dental fillings will locate the person and instruct orbiting communications satellites to aim beams of powerful microwave radiation directly into his desc Madrid Spain no k11 1 in i expelled 1. Humphrey Bogart a expelled from pre med school 2. Marlon Brando a from two High schools 3. Richard Boone a from Stanford 4. Orville Wright a from Yale 5. Errol Flynn from australian and English schools source world features Syndicate origins of stage names 1. Gary Cooper agents Hometown Gary ind. 2. Richard Burton a last name from teacher 3. Red buttons loud uniform As singing Bellboy 4. Bing Crosby comic strip Bingville Bugle 5. Buster Keaton after fall Down stairs 6. Carole Lombard from new Yorkus Carroll Lombardi pharmacy source world features Syndicate brain so that every five seconds hell hear a loud voice that sounds like Orson Welles echoing inside his Skull saying a your name is trying to Contact you by Telephone. Please Call your name right now. This message will be repeated in five seconds. Thank  q. Wow. A. For an additional $5 a month the voice sounds like Olive Oil. Q. Is there any defense against Call stalking a. Your Best bet is Call handling which was designed for when companies randomly dial your number at dinner Lime and pretend to be taking surveys when in fact they want to sell you things. With Call handling which costs an additional $49.50 per month you simply notify the Telephone company that you do not wish to receive Calls from these companies. Q. And then what happens a. The company owners Are eaten by snakes. Q. What about the people who invented voice mail a. Them too. Q. Slowly a. Yes. O. Good. The Miami Herald a sunday january 19 199j