European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 9, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                R Liast i Aik ill this candidate says pass the Buck into Peoples pockets Dave Barry today. As a leading presidential contender i am pleased to present my economic package. I realize i m late. The other 53 leading contenders turned in heir economic packages weeks ago. But i have an excuse the dog ate my economic package. No really my excuse is that i be been Busy trying to notify the government that i m running for president i thought this would be a simple procedure. 1 mean look at the other contenders. These people arc not All nuclear physicists. Some of them Arentt even vertebrate life forms. Well pause Here while the Duke supporters look up Quot vertebrate a anyway i called the Federal election commission in Washington and told the person who answered the phone that i was running for president. I figured shed just make a note of this then assign some secret service agents to follow me around beat up people who Cut me off in traffic maybe work on my Yard Etc. Instead she mailed me forms which demanded to know the name of the committee that handles my Campaign contributions and the Bank where these Are deposited. I frankly had not thought that a committee was necessary since my contributions consist of about $30 in Small Bills and coins from various nations including this is True Bolivia. These funds Are deposited in the Box for the surf Ping Pong set that i maintain in my office in Case of emergency. So in an Effort to satisfy the Fec forms i tried to open a Hank account hut the Bank a and you won Der Why our banking system is in trouble a refused to take the Money. The Bank person said i  have an account because 1 did no to have a Federal identification number. For the record neither did Abraham Lincoln the irony Here is that i m located in Miami where Banks have a tradition of accepting huge Cash deposits delivered in trucks that say a Acme cocaine  but god forbid they should take Money from a declared presidential candidate. So i applied for a Federal identification number which you get from the internal Revenue service by filling out form ss-4. Here san actual quotation from the instructions �?o6. With respect to which there arc reasonable arrangements designed to ensure that a residual interests arc not held by disqualified organizations As defined in Section 860e c 5. And b information necessary for the application of Section Frose e will be made  the instructions also say a if you have. Suggestions for making this form More simple we would be Happy to hear from  my suggestions is a shoot the extraterrestrial being who wrote these instructions in the head if it has one a 1  Tell the irs that because id probably be selected for the special audit which involves fire ants. My Point is that there a a lot of Tricky paperwork involved in running for president which is Why i m late with my economic package. In be studied the other candidates packages and they re All designed to Appeal to Middle class americans technically defined As a americans who own Vars but cannot program  most of the packages involve a tax Breaks a which is when the government amid great fanfare generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words these candidates Are trying to buy your votes with your own Money. Well As Abraham Lincoln once said a if you re going to take a bribe hold out for top  which is Why in a proud to present my economic package 1. Every Middle class american will receive $10,000 Cash from the government. 2. Make that $20,000. 3. Sometimes without warning . Air Force bombers will Fly Over randomly chosen Middle class communities and drop Bales of Money. 4,1 see no reason Why the irs has to know about any of this. Also i would create jobs. As president. Id gather up the top . Auto executives and id depart for a a. 1/ouav Japan As the head of a special Trade Mission Midway across the Pacific these executives would be Given parachutes and life rafts and be shoved out of the plane thereby freeing up millions of dollars in salary Money that the Auto companies could use to hire people to make better cars. Then id continue on to Japan where in Tough High level talks with japanese officials id demand that they make Vars that a Normal human could program. Then id attend a formal dinner where id suddenly fall under the table and Barf but the members of my official entourage would just leave me there because they a be used to it. Coming soon the Federal budget deficit let s let our children worry about it. The Miami Herald m military life in Europe the move music and me be to hits tac ooze of Peief fad Micov Totz. Zif Whitn of 92. Two few test to stay a a Lutary has made. Our Job a As  Page 24 a sunday february 9. 1992