European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 16, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh Beer revealing to ads deserve to take a Licking Dave Barry i like Beer. On occasion i will even drink a Beer to celebrate a major event such As the fall of communism or the fact that our refrigerator is still working. So you a think i d be receptive to to Beer commercials. Most of these have the same plot some Guys open some Beers and instantly the commercial is overrun by Friendly Sam naked Young women resembling Barbie but taller and less intellectual. If you just got Here from Mars you  know from watching these commercials that Beer is meant for internal consumption. You a think it was a chemical hot babe attractant similar to what Moths use to locate each other so they can mate. You a think the swedish Bikini team was constantly prowling the Countryside sniffing the air for a whiff of old suburbs of Cleveland Beer or whatever Brand it is they re allegedly attracted to. What bothers me is in More than 20 years of opening Beers with Guys i have never seen the swedish Bikini team show up. Almost always the teams that show up in Beer drinking situations consist of Guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats. Maybe to avoid misleading Consumers Beer manufacturers should be required to make realistic commercials. For example As the commercial opens Guys Are sitting around in the Woods holding cans of Beer first Guy you know Guys it just does t get any belter than this. Nothing happens first Guy raising his voice i said you know Guys it just does t get any better than this. Nothing continues to happen second Guy there sure Are a lot of Moths around Here. Third Guy this Beer tastes like Llama spit. Speaking of realism in advertising Michael Jordan should be required to make a commercial in which he tries and fails to jump Over the pile of Money that wheaties pays him to pretend that breakfast Cereal has something to do with basketball ability. And while we re at it i want somebody to explain the current Magazine and Campaign for Timex watches. You probably remember the old Timex ads starring John Cameron Swayze in which professional watch abuse technicians would strap a Timex watch to a boat propeller or a Jackhammer or a British soccer fan. The watch would then be subjected to a severe beating after which the technicians would hand it to John Cameron Swayze who would hold it up to the camera and say in a dramatic voice a it  at least that s what i assume happen the first 35 or 40 limes. But eventually they d get a watch that was still working and John Cameron Swayze would say a takes a Licking and keeps on ticking a that was an advertising Campaign that i could understand without the Aid of narcotics in Stark contrast to the current Timex Campaign samples of which have been sent in by a number of Alert readers. These ads consist of photographs of people wearing Timex watches. Superimposed on each photo is a paragraph telling you about some horrible thing that has happened to the person. For example one and features a photo of an attractive woman with the following paragraph which i swear i am not making up a Louisa Murray was eating a Sandwich when a Bowling Ball fell off a ledge three stories above and hit her in the head doctors gave her a one in a Mil lion Chance but she fought Back and last Spring graduated from College. The Ball did leave a a Little Dent in her head. Louisa is wearing a striking Timex women s fashion watch. It costs about $50.�?T�?T when you the consumer read this a number of questions naturally come to your mind including a there was a Bowling Ball on a ledge a was this a suicidal Bowling Ball a or was she eating the Sandwich at some kind of new theme restaurant the eat a no  a Skull Dent cafe the and offers no explanation. Other Timex ads feature a Rock climbers who a fell 85 feet and landed on her Tailbone Quot a Man who a was attacked by a 1,200-Pound great White shark Quot that a lore open his entire upper Torso and a scuba diver who a was sucked into an offshore water intake pipe for a nuclear Power  each victim is modelling a Timex watch. I done to know about you but the message i get from these ads is a Wear a Timex watch and something very bad will happen to  at the drugstore i find myself edging away from the Timex display Case which i figure must be a powerful disaster Magnet. Any moment a great White shark could come lunging out from behind the counter holding a Bowling Ball i Don t mean to suggest Here that All advertising is misleading or incomprehensible. There arc Many informative ads for excellent produce especially the products advertised in this newspaper All of which i personally recommend and endorse and use in my Home. So do my frequent House guests the swedish Bikini team. The Miami . Military life in Europe put in us avg with All areas of the Dod budget up for review Rumor has it that even these Well established military programs will be Cut drastically. Military Honor guards amp Drill teams will be replaced by Remote control mechanized . Joe dolls. An to will no longer show expensive prime time network shows from the states but replace them with re runs of the locally produced Gasthaus. The Blue Angels will be replaced by five pilots dressed in really Cool Blue uniforms and boots who do High Speed tightly choreographed simulated aircraft dance routines on Airport runways around the world. They will be renamed the Blue  24 a sunday february 16 1992