European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 5, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Who son first no he wants pact renegotiated by Jerry Zezima the Stamford Conn advocate Here with profuse apologies to Abbott and costello or whoever happens to hold the copyright to their material is How the classic who son first routine might have sounded had the boys been around to perform it today just in time for mondays opening of the baseball season. Lou hey Abbott Bud what is it Lou Lou i hear you got a baseball team and i Wanna play. Bud that a Fine Lou. But first let me Tell you about the players Tiey have some mighty Peculiar names you know. For instance who wants his contract renegotiated what a in rehab i done to know is a free agent. Lou that a what i Wanna find out. What a the name of the Guy who wants his contract renegotiated Bud no what a in rehab. Who wants his contract renegotiated. Lou that a what in masking you. Who wants his contract renegotiated Bud that a right. He a holding out for $3 million a year. Lou who Bud yes. Lou the name of the Guy who wants his contract renegotiated Bud who. Lou i done to know. Bud he a a free agent. Leave him out of this. Al Lou costello and Bud Abbott doing their who son first comedy routine in the 1950s. Lou look what a the name of the Guy who wants his contract renegotiated Bud what a the name of the Guy in rehab. He got suspended for violating baseball a substance abuse policy. Who wants his contract renegotiated. Lou that a what i Wanna find out Bud that a what in a telling you. Who wants his contract renegotiated. Lou i done to know. Bud i already told you he a a free agent. He might not even be on the team when the season starts anyway. Lou exasperated the Guy involved in the contract dispute a what a his name Bud angrily what is not his name what a the Guy in rehab. Who wants his contract renegotiated. Lou i done to know. Bud and Lou together free agent Lou sobbing Why wont you Tell me the name of the Guy in the contract dispute Bud Why is not the Guy in the contract dispute. We just got him in a Trade. Lou who Bud Why. Lou because. Bud because has nothing to do with this. He Tore a rotator cuff. Now he son the disabled list. Lou who son the disabled list Bud no who wants his contract renegotiated. Lou that a what i want you to Tell me Bud that a what i have been telling you Lou sighing when this contract dispute is finally settled who gets the Money Bud every Penny. And next year hell be eligible for arbitration. Lou who Bud that a right. Lou who a right Bud Well that a what his agent says but we disagree. Three million a year is Way too much for a lifetime .250 hitter. Lou who a a lifetime .250 hitter Bud yes. Lou biting his lip you got any other players on this team Bud now  we be a sorry Bunch if we did no to. Lou Tell me the name of your Best player. Bud tomorrow. Lou Why not today Bud very simple. Today is the Guy we traded for Why who is now under investigation for assault. Did no to you read about it in the paper Lou yeah yesterday. Bud that can to be. Yesterday is the Guy we just signed to a four year Deal Worth Over $30 million. He sure drove a hard bargain but we think he a Worth it. Lou who 1 Bud of course not. That a Why we be been having a contract dispute. Haven t you been paying attention Lou giving up look All i wanted to find out is who wants his contract renegotiated and what a the name of the Guy in rehab. Why i done to know who happens to be a free agent. And frankly i done to care Bud i done to care that a our owner. Or at least he was until the commissioner banned him from baseball for consorting with gamblers. Looking into All those wild Bills yonder Andy rooney11 w a ism a writer is always watching because he never knows when some snippet of life will fit into what he a writing. Even watching himself carefully is a Good practice for a writer because the subject is always right there at hand doing the things everyone else does. If he wants average typical everyday behaviour the writer can draw on life a his own. On the theory that i will someday write the Story of my life in be kept a list of stuff that most people would have thrown out. This accumulation of scraps of paper amounts to a diary that reminds me of things in be done and people in be known but looking at it now i can to imagine its Ever going to be anything for a Book. This morning i opened a file drawer with Bills and notes on miscellaneous Money matters from the 1970s. You can no longer Shock Young people with details of How cheap things used to be. They did no to want to hear that you once bought a car for $3,500, or a Steak dinner for two in a Good restaurant for $18. Even though i know that i can to resist doing it sometimes. I notice Here that my new York giants tickets Cost $7 per game in 1972.1 got my ticket application for next season this morning and the Price is going up to $31 per game. Wellington Mara the president of the giants says in an apologetic letter that its because of the increase in players salaries. He does no to mention How much More the team gets from its television contract. Here a a 1974 american express Bill. At the top it says in big bold letters did you forget to make last months payment i forget whether i forgot. I know one thing. Ever since i realized Bank and credit card companies make something like 18 percent interest on the Money you owe when you re late paying i pay on time. If people paid their Bills on time the credit card business would go out of business. This cancelled Check indicates that in 1976 i gave the new York Public Library $25. It spent More than that on Stamps and stationery last year sending me letters asking for More Money. Here Are receipts from some of the unions i belong to. I paid the writers Guild $195.26 in 1974. The directors Guild got $150. Aft athe american federation of television and radio artists got $276.1 wish i understood All the benefits in a supposed to get from them when 1 retire. Here a a Bill for $501.39 in 1976 from my Friend George la Pelle the Carpenter plumber and All around Handyman. He did a lot of work for us on the cottage at the Lake that year. George is one of those people who a indispensable if you re going to keep a summer place. If George was any kind of a businessman head have made out that Bill for $498.89, instead of $501.39, to make it look smaller. In 1973,1 paid $300 to the West Side Myca. That must be the last year i played four Wall handball because i see a Check the next year to the courts where in be been playing Tennis Ever since. Id almost forgotten handball. I once played there with the great Fred Allen. Here a a Check i wrote to who a who. When they ask for an update on your Bio they always include a suggestion that you might like to buy their next two volume edition. I like being in who so i and i done to think they a drop me if i did no to buy the Book but about every five years i buy it anyway. The Sheraton Crest inn Austin Texas $123.57? that a funny. I have no memory whatsoever of having stayed in Austin. I wonder what i was doing there. Usually you remember the main Street and a few Side streets in any City you visit. I probably know my Way around 50 cities but Austin Isnit one of them. I done to have my tax information together for 1991 yet but for 1970sin a ready. To Bune Modia Sor Vicos Andy Rooney is a former stars and stripes reporter april 5, 1992 sunday a Page 9