European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 5, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                It s that time when paper work is particularly taxing Dave Barry april 15 is almost Here and As a Public service we have once again assembled a distinguished panel of leading consumer financial advisers from around the nation to answer your common tax questions. Unfortunately they once again got into the Gin at the hotel hospitality suite and were arrested in the lobby Fountain wearing a thin film of Avocado dip. So once again we Are going to answer your common tax questions ourselves. But first we have word of an important new initiative by the internal Revenue service official motto Sec schedule 93685g345-d for official motto. We found out about this from a newsletter sent out by Donald Mitgang director of the Buffalo n.y., irs District. A copy was mailed to us by Alert Reader and certified Public accountant Suzanne Pfister to whom we say thanks and be prepared to spend the rest of your life undergoing tax audits so thorough that you will be required to produce your individual Toenail clippings from As far Back As 1967. According to director Mitgang a newsletter the irs initiative is called a compliance 2000.�?� a to put it in a nutshell a he Stales a it is a new philosophical approach toward compliance. We Hope it will result in a More compliant  we love the sound of that Quot result in a More compliant  it sounds As though they re developing a new Strain of Goat. Director Mitgang explains that the goal of the compliance 2000 initiative is Quot to determine Why tax payers Are not complying and what we need to do to make them  whoa there a a real mystery Why Arentt taxpayers complying with the tax code hmm my. We have been wracking our brain trying to think of possible cause and we Are wondering if a this is going to sound far fetched a maybe it has something to do with the fact that the tax code is larger than the average taxpayers Home and nobody in the entire world really understands it because it was apparently written by hostile mutant non English speaking lawyers from space plus it is revised about every 25 minutes plus it is used to take taxpayers Money away and turn it Over to a Federal government that routinely spends it on activities like declaring National devised Ham awareness month. Nah that  be it. Its probably some kind of chemical disorder in the taxpayers brains. Anyway until the irs is Able to develop an improved taxpayer possibly through a combination of genetic engineering and electric fences you should try to be As compliant As possible. You can Start by studying the answers to these a common taxpayer questions q. If i use the Standard 1040 tax form How do i indicate my preference regarding the Elvis stamp a. You simply write Quot thin Elvis or a fat Elvis in the Box labelled a a spouse a social Security  q. What is a Good amount to pretend that i gave to Charity a. Many taxpayers have obtained excellent results with &Quot$2,379,52.�?� a i am a joint taxpayer filing singly with three dependents living separately but calling All the time. In 1991 my Gross exclusionary non reimbursed net taxable income was $26,365.47, with an adjusted excess itemized disqualifying redemption of $3,109,23, but i done to have any questions because i mailed in my tax return on Jan. 3 and i already got my refund nyah nyah nyah. A. We Hope you develop a kidney Stone the size of Richard Simmons. Q. In reviewing my tax records for 1991,1 find that they consist of a cardboard Box filled with Cash Regis Ter receipts that arc impossible to read because a patently nobody in the United states has Ever replaced a Cash Regis tar ribbon. So now in a trying to do my taxes and its 1 30 . And i have irs forms All Over the Kitchen table snarling at me and demanding to know things like do i have any capital gain distributions not reported on line 13, and All i have to refresh my memory is 500 Little pieces of curled up paper each of which has maybe four Ink molecules on it and the Only financial information i can obtain from them using a powerful magnifying Glass is a have a Nice  my question is is the commissioner of internal Revenue still named a a Fred a. Yes and Fred has a Nice letter in the form 1040 instruction Booklet in which he states that the irs is a testing exciting new approaches by letting certain taxpayers file by Telephone and by doing the math for taxpayers who ask for our help a q. In a going to Call him right now. A. Good idea done to mention our name. The Miami Herald  military life in Europe w 7ou reap a out How Voo a sup chefs civ8 a Petit Carp users wave in Overpe payment say of a i i a a f i j a of that Civje has is frn a off $4.77 m Lulu a w umc.04.ec.tep p��5t6. Ybo Appal to Good a amp Opie a Tva govt wm6nt armpit it arps Sot h to m11u0w in chm pro acts Oft service it Feeg we pipal f have Fopay by Charles Kaufman spa Vivle it amp who Are. You <50lbj<si to do about Vyp forc a pop p Taj Jar Page 28 a sunday april 5, 1992