European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 12, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse Voices springing up to Call on lad the Les of night Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in we re in that time of year that a extremely dangerous for lonely Guys the time right after it turns Spring when All your hormones Start doing the Watusi but every time you approach women they act like they suddenly have to Wash their hair do their laundry and clean their Furnace. You consider a blin4 Date. Done to do it never forget Why they re a a Blind in the first place a because Only a Blind Man would Date Mem after he saw Mem. You drink eight old Milwaukee tall boys and Start considering a 900 number. Done to do it never forget the kind of Guys who go to singles bars a Guys like you and never forget the kind of gals who go to singles bars a gals who done to mind being Bird dogged All night by 97 Guys exactly like you. You have experiences in those places that can depress you for months. You consider a Hooker. There you go. Now you re talking. Its Safe. Its a lot less pathetic than 900 numbers. Sometimes the women have personalities. And unlike every other kind of male female relationship you always know the total Price up front. That a Why i Wanna make sure you Guys that Are feeling like three legged Toad frogs this year and Are Likely to get into some kind of Hooker client relationship that tomorrow morning you la act like you did no to do it even though we All know you did a i want All you Guys to clip out this article and carry it in your Wallet everywhere. Because the Fol lowing Are the five rules you can never forget when dealing with a lady of the professionals aardvarks persuasion. 1. When you say a How much a the answer should never be a How much do you want to spend a 2. When you say a How much a and she gives you prices for More than 15 different varieties of recreation and you done to recognize at least half of them politely ask to be excused. You could die Here. 3. No matter what happens never apologize. Act like that a what you meant to do. 4. Never Call her a Hooker. Shell think you mean she looks or acts like a Hooker. And every woman who looks and acts like a Hooker even the ones who Are hookers do not consider themselves hookers. It s a female thing. Trust me. 5. After its Over when you realize How pitiful you Are console yourself with the knowledge that men have been doing this for millions of years. Hookers know this too. Speaking of pathetic existences the Best Dave in movie of 1992 is even Hitler had a Girlfriend the latest from Denver a one Man film Industry Independent director Ronnie Cramer. Watch a Chubby Omaha Security guard in a Lumpy Golf shirt spend his entire life savings on Call girls in less than two weeks. Andren Scott is the actor who plays Marcus Templeton a Guy so depressed that he sits in his Bathtub Karen Pombo in even Hitler had a girl mend. For hours with the phone sitting on the commode trying to think of somebody to Call. I think you can Tell where this is leading Ltd straight to the yellow pages Section marked a escort Marcus gets so deep into Hooke Ritis that pretty soon he a tape recording his sessions and about eight hookers Down the Road he makes his fatal mistake he buys a video camera. How Many times have i told you Guys it sounds like a Good idea but talk to Rob Lowe first. Huh. I done to think so. Here a the scary part. Ronnie claims that this movie is �?o99 percent this is one of the funniest Gold urn movies in be Ever watched but its probably not available in video stores or Heaters so if you want to order one from Ronnie Send me a self addressed stamped envelope and ill Send you the order form Joe Bob . Box 2002, Dallas to 75221. We re talking 28 breasts. Six strippers. Eight hookers. Aardvark ing. Brain in a Jar. Butt Tattoo. Frequent indigestion. Gratuitous pee wee Herman doll. Crab fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Ronnie Cramer the Genius who previously directed the violent drug drama Back Street Jane Quot and Andren Scott As Marcus Templeton for saying a my heart is bound to explode if i keep eating like this and a i could go buy something at the store a those people have to talk to you and a i wish i could safely pull out my heart and Massage it and a that Chin is being swallowed up by the abyss once known As my neck and a can i feel those a four stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless bureaucrat Alert the Atair a on state Highway 131 in Clarksville ind., is about to be ripped Down so they can build a new interchange for 1-65. Isnit that the same the Atair a that has been charged with obscenity Many times fined As much As $25,000 at a time taken to court six times and constantly hassled by anti Pomo groups police and the prosecuting attorney of Clark county what a coincidence Here a what Richard Dickman president of the town Council had to say a it just seemed like the logical place for the Thomas Rentschler of Hamilton Ohio reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Editor san Francisco chronicle just wondering. If that esteemed Man of letters Joe Bob Briggs did a few columns on the Early courtship of americans talented couple Garry and Jane of the House of doonesbury would it be allowed to run or would he receive a memo on the Bounds of Good taste As in an earlier experience or to put it another Way is Quayle Hunting the Only fair game in town William Norton san Mateo Calif. Dear William i was thinking of doing a series of columns on handicapped stuttering lesbians who Root for baseball teams named after indians. What do you think Joe Bob i am a big fan of the actress Dona Speir and i was wondering if there is an address where 1 can write to her. Rob Newland Clearwater Fla. Dear Rob Dona Speir four time Winner of breast actress in the drive in Academy awards makes All her films for Andy and Arlend Sidaris creators of Malibu express hard ticket to Hawaii do or die guns and Many others. You can write to her in care of their company Malibu Bay films at 9229 Sunset blvd., no. 208, los Angeles Ca 90069. Creators Syndicate to me mining if Clinton folds done to blame it on new Yorkus tabloids Linda Ellerbee Man and Hia world famous we aretha Briana. . Box 2002, Dallas to 75221. Open 214-368-2310. Joe Bob tax Lino is always a television news cameraman an old Friend who has been shooting news stories since god was a lad once told me about the Day Many years ago that a Robert Kennedy came to new York to announce his candidacy for the . Senate. Kennedy you recall did no to really live in new York he merely wanted to be a senator and thought he could get elected in the state so head managed to take up an official though not actual residency. Anyhow on this Day Kennedy arrived at la Guardia and when he got off the plane there were no enclosed Jetway Back then one got off a plane by walking Down stairs and stepping onto something called ground the Man was surrounded a mobbed a by a loud crowd of a what a demons there was screaming and cursing. There was body Contact. There May have been bodily injuries. When it was Over Kennedy stood there visibly shaken shirt ripped jacket Askew eyes filled with what appeared to my Friend to be sheer terror. Turning to an aide he asked in a strained Small voice Quot what was that a a that a said the aide a was the new York press _ and Welcome to the big Apple Bill Clinton. Clinton was not having a fun time in new York during this past weeks primary and a guess what a he blamed the new York press corps for it. Specifically he blamed new Yorkus tabloid newspapers. Heatedly and repeatedly. A you know that old song new York new York a if you can make it Here you can make it anywhere Well if you read the tabloids i can t make it Here a Clinton said. We have several newspapers in new York City but Clinton seemed to want to talk to and be covered by Only one the new York times. We have three tabloids in new York the new York Post the new York daily news and new York new Day. One of the definitions of tabloid in my dictionary is a a newspaper concentrating on the by that definition. Well you be the judge. Which new York newspaper printed the name of the accuser in the William Kennedy Smith rape Case a a tabloid newspaper b the new York times. The Correct answer is the new York times. Here Are More questions which new York paper stationed a reporter in the Bushes of the woman a House and then reported the woman a teen age promiscuity history her driving record and even the titles of the books on her Young daughters bookshelf which newspaper then suspended the same reporter it had sent to hide in the Bushes on charges that he plagiarized from the Boston Globe a Story about plagiarism at Boston University the answer to both is the new York times. The Point sensationalism does not always come from the tabloid press. Another thing to remember or. Clinton the news about your draft troubles also came not from a tabloid paper but from that other Well respected new York newspaper the Wall Street journal and the news about your marijuana smoking came from a new York television station. Yes or. Clinton you have a problem but your problem Isnit the tabloid press. King features Syndicate april 12, 1992 sunday a Page 19
