European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - April 12, 1992, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Last laugh hopping time off the ordeal of Lawn mowing Dave Barry when i hear some Loudmouth saying that the United states is no longer a world technology Leader i look at him in the Eye and say a they there a a worm pooping on your  then when he looks Down i spit on the top of his head and sprint away. In a not about to stand still while somebody knocks my country not when we re still capable of such achievements As the worlds fastest Lawn Mower that a right the worlds fastest Lawn Mower is produced right Here in the . By americans just like yourself except that you Are probably Normal whereas they put a Jet powered helicopter engine on a Riding Lawn Mower. I know this is True because a Call me a courageous journalism Pioneer if you must a i drove it on my own personal Lawn. This event was arranged by Ken Thompson a Miami based sales representative for the Dixie chopper Brand of Lawn Mower. He wrote me a letter saying that the Dixie chopper people had a special customized Jet powered Model touring around the country making personal appearances and it would be in my area and he thought it would be a Good idea if they brought it to my House in a sincere humanitarian Effort to get free publicity. As a professional journalist trained to be constantly on the Alert for stories that i can cover without leaving Home i said sure. In be had an interest in Lawn mowers since i was 10 years old. I used to earn Money by attempting to mow neighbors lawns with our Lawn Mower which was powered by the first gasoline engine Ever built. I believe this was actually a Stone engine. The Only person who could Start it consistently was my father. He could do this Only by wrapping the rope around the starter thing and yanking it for the better part of the weekend a process that required More time and Energy than he would have expended if head Cut the entire Lawn with his Teeth. By about the 1,000th yank head be dripping with sweat ready to quit and the Lawn Mower sensing this would and i quote  just once. But that was enough to goad my father into a furious yanking frenzy transforming himself wolfman like from a mild mannered gentle presbyterian minister into a violent red faced Lunatic yanking away at this malevolent Stone which continued to go a a Putty at exactly the right tactical moment until finally it got what it wanted which was for my father to Emit a burst of extremely mild profanity. Then the Lawn Mower knowing that it now had a funny Story to Tell Down at the Lawn Mower bar would Start. Sometimes in an Effort to earn Money id push the Stone Lawn Mower next door and ask mrs. Reed if she wanted me to mow her Lawn. Shed say yes and id yank on the starter thing for a while then sit Down exhausted and discouraged and mrs. Reed who had been watching from her Kitchen would come out and give me a Quarter. It was a living. Lawn Mower technology has come a Long Way since then As i discovered when the Dixie chopper trailer pulled up at my House and the Crew wheeled out the worlds fastest Lawn Mower. Its a Normal looking commercial Riding Lawn Mower except that it has what looks like a Large Industrial Coffee maker mounted horizontally on the Back. This is a 150-horsepower Turbine engine from a . Military Chinook helicopter. According to the Crew Warren Evans and Mark Meagher it can easily make the Lawn Mower go More than 60 Miles per hour. God alone knows what it could do in cuisinart. After briefing me on the controls the Crew started the engine which sounded like a giant vacuum cleaner getting louder while shooting flames out the Back. Then i put the controls Forward and . Let me say in All journalistic objectivity that i never before experienced that level of acceleration in a Lawn Mower or for that matter a commercial aircraft. Rocketing around my Yard watching concerned Dixie chopper people leap out of the Way i was thinking a this is great i want to take this baby on the interstate i want to Hump a of so i hit a tree. But the Mower was undamaged and so was i and the tree is expected to recover. The Bottom line is if you re interested in extremely High Speed Lawn care this is the Lawn Mower for you. The Dixie chopper people said  make one for you just like it for Only $29,000, which according to my calculations you could easily earn by simply not mowing mrs. Reeds Lawn 116,000 times. The Miami . Military life in Europe by Charles Kaufman Don t forget these Little Quot rules of travel Quot when sightseeing in Europe Rule #1 no matter How hard you try to spend them you will always come Back with a handful of foreign coins from the country you visited. Rule #3 the batteries in your camcorder or film in your camera will run out just when you get to the Best part of the tour. Rule #4 the less you speak of the language of the country you visit the louder you will talk in English to the local people. 0page 28 april 12, 1992 sunday a