European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 07, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Last laugh no results yet from Clinton give Zirri an f Dave Barry a and How me to be the first professional news commentator to Point out that the Clin ton administration has failed. Look at the evidence. Bih Clinton has been pres ident for More than two weeks now. The National debt is still enormous. The world is still Rife with oppression famine and genocide. George Stcin Brenner is still at Large. The time has come to ask what went wrong How could failure have come so quickly to Clinton who started out with so much Promise so Many ideas such a Large volume of hair As is so often True with great historical issues we will not truly know the answer until we read the next sentence. The answer is Clinton wore himself out selecting his Cabinet. Previous presidents did t waste a lot of Energy on this task. They appointed Cabinet Mem Bers pretty much at random from a Small Pool of wealthy Golf playing respected establishment White males replacing them As they became indicted. No body cared who the specific appointments were. Ronald Reagan had to wait for the world almanac to be published to find out who was in his Cabinet it did t matter who the appointees were be cause under our constitutional system of govern Only Cabinet members with responsibilities beyond that arc the Secretary of state who is required to Fly to the Middle East every three weeks to deliver a historic peace initiative to be placed with All the others v. In the huge climate controlled peace initiative Stort a facility. The Secretary of the Treasury who counts All the Money. The surgeon general who treats the blisters on the Secretary of the Treasury s hand. I bet you can t name one newsworthy thing that a Cabinet member has done since Gerald Ford s Secretary of agriculture and rocket science Earl Butz decided that it would be a Good idea to Tell a bad ethnic joke to a reporter. Sure sometimes in the news you Sec photo opportunities of the president sitting with his full Cabinet around a big table every body frowning and looking important but you never hear what actually goes on in these meetings president of so we want let s Sec. 14 Jelly doughnuts and nine powdered sugar am i right Cabinet member and a prune danish. President who the hell arc you Cabinet member i m the Secretary of vegetable and Mineral affairs. President suspiciously let s see your cab inet membership card. He examines the card you Bench cad this expired in 1978 you were in the Carter Cabinet Cabinet member whoops general laughter then along came Clinton who owed his election to the approximately 17,000 feisty special interest groups we like to Call the democratic Clin ton could not merely select traditional random White males. Instead he spent what seemed like the better part of 1992 in a grueling Effort to select a Cabinet that As he put it looks like America by which he meant looks like one of those comically artificial to commercials so determined to exhibit one Mem Ber of every major minority group that they practically make the actors Wear Large signs with labels like Clinton was obsessed with getting the right mixture to the Point where it seemed to be More important than anything else Clinton i am pleased to announce that i amment most Cabinet members have no actual duties other than to pose for their official Oil portraits. The appointing to the critical Cabinet Post of Secretary of fisheries and hatcheries a person who is not Only a person of gender but is also a learning disabled diabetic norwegian american Southern person of partly Aleutian descent. Reporters what is this person s name Clinton i have no idea. So he was clearly exhausted by the Cabinet Selec Tion process and that was just the. Beginning. He also had to find appointees of the Correct ethnic genders for the thousands of other key positions in the Many crucial agencies that make up the vast Ever mutating Multi tentacled Money sucking Blob we like to Call the Federal government including the Christo Pher Columbus commission the Marine mammal commission and of course the inter american tuna commission these Are real Federal agencies. This was a massive Job. Imagine trying to deter mine the gender of a tuna. No wonder that after All this appointing Clinton has no Energy left to be the actual president. I m getting tired just thinking about it. Wake me up when it s 1996. The Miami Herald . Military life in Europe by Charles Kaufman the three great unto Luck mysteries of the universe How the universe began. 2, How the universe will end. 3. How cola payments Are calculated. Page 28 sunday february. 1993
