European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 21, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Odd ends miss a i is Judith Martin dear miss manners for years i have been trying to find out Why there is a notch in the Small knife served with Rolls on a butter dish. Gentle Readen what you have is a butter server notched in order to frighten and subdue recalcitrant pats of butter that arc hoping to evade their Fate you May use it to Stab them into submission for transport from the common butter dish to your individual plate. But by the time they arrive on your butter plate they Are presumed to have no More fight left in them. Therefore a butter spreader which is a be Nign looking Small knife with a rounded Blade obviously not intended for combat is used. Dear Mesa manners a group of friends mostly Young childless couples with modest incomes recently held a baby Shower for a couple who announced that they were having a baby. The parents to be made it Clear that while the baby was not sought after it was warmly welcomed. The Shower was delightful except for one thing. The hostess gave the couple a gift of condoms. Was this merely tasteless or offensive As Well i Felt like a voyeur speculating about their bedroom activities. And i thought it suggested the arrival  the baby was a misfortune that we hoped they Wouldhave better Luck avoiding next time. Finally there was the Chance that this couple or some other guest would find the idea of artificial contraception morally objectionable. Gentle Readen you have provided miss Man ners with an interesting distinction Between tasteless a Ness and offensiveness which in a careless moment she might have equated.  is what the prospective parents did in confiding that their child was originally not wanted. They exposed themselves unpleasantly or amusingly depending on your attitude but did t actually launch an offence at anyone else. Of course when the baby is born and for the rest of the child s life everyone will remember his or her being originally unwanted it was that tasteless Ness providing others with a vivid look into these people s private habits and Lap ses that prompted but docs not excuse the teasing of their friends. Here we have genuine offensiveness in that it is hardly possible that there won t be at least one per son present at the party who is bound to be offend Harris Usa cd. In is Only too possible that inc first of these will be the guests of Honor themselves who will find that what they considered a bit of charming frankness on their part is highly Una musing and intrusive when seized upon by others. Dear miss mannered my daughter who is 35, is having a Large second wedding and has informed me that she wants her two sons aged 18 and 11, to give her away so that they will be part of the Cere Mony arid not feel left out. Where does this leave her father we Are a Loving family and she loves her father very much but she said he gave her away at the first wedding. Should t the boys be Ushers or the 11-year-old a ring bearer or is he too old for that ? gentle readers this giving away business has gotten a bit out of hand miss manners is afraid. Having started As a symbolic gesture of a Bride s being transferred from the Protection of her father to that of her husband it then turned into a Charm ing anachronism which is All too often now made both ridiculous and a source of Contention. Although miss manners admires the motivation for featuring children in a wedding that will make them part of a new family she has to say that the symbolism of haying a Bride Given away by her own children is not Good. Far from leaving them for her new husband As she docs her father she is Takin them with her. As for her father she has already left his House hold and the symbolism of his giving her away a Sec Ond time is not great either. It looks As though he plans to keep doing this until he finds a permanent taker. A wedding can be just As Legal and charming when the ceremony of giving the Bride away is omitted. She can be escorted to the altar by her sons or her father anyway. In a Case such As yours where feelings might be Hurt simply have him or them stand at the altar with her As she takes her vows. This might be better for the sons anyway. On the one hand they should not be left out. But on the other they May not be As eager to acquire a new relative As their Mother is. They should be allowed to participate without seeming to support her by solemnly and publicly taking part in making it come about. Pear miss manners on an invitation to a sur prise 50th-Wcdding anniversary party for a couple i know but have never socialized with there was a typewritten note asking for $10 to cover the Money tree music for dancing and miscellaneous expenses. I was also asked to bring an hours d oct arc or Finger food. Gentle readers the people who sent you this invitation obviously have a High opinion of the generosity with which you dispense hospitality. Miss Man ners cannot say the same for her opinion of theirs. United feature Syndicate Fea Llna incorrect address your etiquette questions in Black or Blue Black Ink on Tilte writing paper to mis manners . Box 91428 Cleveland Ohio 44101-3428. The Quill i Ortago prevents miss Man ners from answering questions except through this column. \ Williams London England Ashe s net in life covered More than just Tennis Erma Bombeck it seems like every 15 seconds someone gets a award in this country for Selling the mos records being the most popular movie Star running the fastest race or emerging As the Best teacher. This is what they will be remembered for. These successes arc what appear in their obituaries. Arthur Ash who died feb. 6 of aids was the exception. He said he never wanted to be remembered just for returning a Tennis Ball. He was t. It was Arthur Ash the Man who left his imprint on human rights and education displayed courage cop ing with a disease he could not conquer and gave priority to his family life. This is what he will be remembered for. It s not the first time i be heard an athlete put his Talent in perspective. I was watching an interview one sunday with Isiah Thomas of the Detroit Pis tons. He said if he were remembered Only As a Guy who threw a Ball in a Basket with some regularity heh adn t left much of a legacy. The late Audrey Hepburn was also Able to put it in perspective. When she was asked about How she prepared for a role she shrugged and said i just did what they told me to  she was most proud of her dedicated work for Unicof. Success is so often equated with How Many times you appear on the cover of people Magazine and How much Money you make. We have a hard time separating what we do from who we Are. Will i remember sen. Paul Tsongas As a Man who ran unsuccessfully for the presidential nomination in 1992? no i la remember him As a human being who when faced with his own Battle with cancer took the time to personally Call a kid he did t even know who just happens to be the son of one of my Best friends to alleviate his fears of a Bone marrow trans Plant. We see it every Day. Major movie legends like Joan Crawford and Marlene Dietrich revered by thousands leave behind children who run to their word processors to record their pain. It s important to know what Isiah and Arthur knew that a great pair of hands and a Good Back hand Aren t enough in this world. Using your talents is Impo Hant. That s Why they were Given. But you can t slide by on that. You have to leave something of yourself or you were never really Here. Universal press Syndicate no kidding presidents evaluating their Job 1. Andrew Jackson a situation of dignified slavery 2. Grover Cleveland a cursed constant grind 3. Thomas Jefferson a splendid misery 4. William Howard Taft the lonesome St place in the world 5. John Quincy Adams four most miserable years of my life a Treasury of White House tales Page 10 sunday february 21, 1993