European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - February 21, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse Words amp withe basics Are still the keys to artistic Success James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Art granddaughter Jamie in the living room is playing the c scale. Before Long she will put her Small thumb on a Flat and she will play the a Flat scale. She will play these first with her right hand then with her left hand then with both hands together. She docs not like it much. Beloved Jamie at 9, is an Independent soul. She is slowly mastering Beethoven a fur Elise which she regards As neat. Left alone she would rather improvise variations on a theme by the grateful dead. A but first the Scales. You will surmise that i am working my Way into an analogy and indeed i am. The musician must learn to play the Scales just As an artist must learn to draw. James Cooper editor of american arts quarterly recently made the Point. To the old masters he said drawing was the beginning of the artistic process. Coopers appalling Story Quot a modest Grant to a Small Art Academy was recently denied by the National endowment for the arts because the terse Nea memo explained a teaching students to draw the human figure is revisionist and stifles Quot a Afagh rubbish no wonder the Nea keeps getting in trouble put a Moron in charge of Art criticism and you will get moronic decisions. I recall visiting the Picasso museum in Barcelona. One goes through room after room of Picasso a Early work. His portraits All have two eyes and one nose right where a tire says they belong. In time Picasso put eyes and noses wherever he Felt they belonged but first he had to learn to draw the human figure straight. The analogy to writing is self evident. I keep whooping it up for the old techniques of instruction. Every writer who aspires to write seriously should beg inn the first Grade by learning to spell. Through phonics the child learns the a a con sound the a a St sound the a it Ion sound and at age 6 she gets a Dollar from Grandfather by spelling some elementary schools a not Many but some a still use the old device of diagramming sentences. I wish every school still used the device. It is by diagramming that we gain understanding of the Bones of a sentence How the clauses Are hinged where the ligaments attach. The Pupil who learns to diagram will not grow up to write a walking past the shabby beggar on the sidewalk my Wallet suddenly Felt uncomfortably latin is important. The aspiring writer who learns even a Little latin is not Likely to thank a hostess for inviting a my husband and in to the party. Little remains of the subjunctive mood in English but the rules for use of the subjunctive ought to be Learned anyhow. If they were Learned the rules could be discarded at a writers informed discretion. That is what i am getting at. We have to do our Scales. This is True in every Field not Only in the arts. Golf Tennis Bowling basketball a the Best athletes learn their fundamentals. David Robinson Learned the dribble before the Dunk. Stravinsky became a master of dissonance but he mastered Harmony first. That foolish bureaucrat at the Nea said that teaching students to draw a stifles creativity. In correcting a students theme a teacher cannot condone David Robinson spurred on fundamentally. Errors in spelling and grammar but there arc ways of correcting a Good paper without wounding the spirit that animates it. A Good Many years ago students of English composition Learned that the parts of a verb should be kept reasonably together. Unlike the germans who do it their Way we do not write that we have a Good dinner of beef and potatoes eaten. We learn that As a general Rule we ought not to split infinitives. Very Well. But now we Are writing for the new York times about the aborted nomination of Zoe Baird to become attorney general. We write a the president and his advisers were wrestling with How to quietly urge her to put that adverb a quietly Quot anywhere else and both the cadence and the meaning of the sentence Are lost. Writers ought frequently to recur to fundamentals. Granddaughter Jamie is not Likely Ever to play Rachmaninoff second concerto with the Boston sym phony but this is certain she never on Earth will play it if she does t master the c scale first. Universal press Syndicate stolen car trick now you done to see it now you do Tony Kornheiser. M y car was stolen last week. Right in front of my House in the District of Columbia. In Broad Daylight. While i was Home its probably my fault for not sitting out on the curb every second a or not hiring peruvian illegal aliens for when i went to the bathroom. Silly me i thought it was All right to Park your car in front of your own Home without consulting Steven Segal. At 5 45 my car was there. I saw it. Twenty minutes later i opened my front door to drive to the Bank and my car was gone. 1 stood Stone still gaping in disbelief at the empty space where my car had been. It was unimaginable to me that my car had been stolen while i was Home. I actually believed that either a my wife or b a neighbor had borrowed the car for a while and i walked to the curb to wait for the car to come Back. Which is when i started asking myself the following questions 1. Borrowed the car 2. Your wife has her own car and her car Isnit there. So if she drove her car Home and borrowed your car then your car is Safe and her car is stolen 3. How did your neighbors get the keys to your car you done to even speak to them. 4. Are you an idiot i then uttered the three words most associated with car theft a son of i called 911 to report my car stolen. 1 said a can you believe it right in front of my Home. Broad Daylight. Its a Honda. Its not even a Mercedes or a Bow. I guess id have been better off driving a 1974 pacer huh Urban living. I mean you gotta laugh right it reminds me of this Story my Uncle Willie used to it was at that Point that i realized i was doing shtick to 911, and i shut up. At that Point my 10-year-old daughter came Home and asked a a where a your car daddy a a stolen a a you re kidding right a she said laughing. A nope. It was a Ida Aazaad done to joke me a she said. I assured her i Wasny to. In that Happy Way kids have when they think they be wandered into a storybook she said breathlessly a wow this is just like Genevieve a mom. She has a Honda and her car was stolen from in front of her House just then my 6-year-old son came around the Corner. Elizabeth gleefully ran out to Tell him the news a daddy s car was stolen a my son thoughtfully responded a dad can you make me a Bologna Sandwich a it was now 6 30, maybe 30 minutes after the car was stolen. The phone rang and a woman said a this is the Telephone company operator. Are you or. Kornheiser you should Call this number right away a giving me a number i told the kids a this is Good. I May have won a lot of my daughter said �?o1 done to think so dad. If it was moneyed Mcmahon would have i called the number. A Man identified himself As being from the . Park police and said a do you know the whereabouts of your 1991 Honda a a i do not Quot i said sensing a breakthrough. Of All the Good Luck in the world the . Park police had already found my car abandoned two Miles from my House. A bad career move by the thief. He should waited till id filled the car a i said. I asked if they stole hondas often. A hondas and a so what am i supposed to drive to be Safe a a i asked. A a liberian they said the car was drivable and i could come get it. We All piled into one car and drove Over. On the other Side of my car was another Honda and when my daughter saw it she got tremendously excited. A a it a Genevieve so she exclaimed. And so it was. I Felt like i was on the set of americans most wanted. I mean what Are the Odds of that of All the cars stolen in the entire City of Washington that two would be recovered at the same time Side by Side in a Park and they would belong to fourth Grade classmates approximately the same Odds As people named Zoe and Kimba being nominated for attorney general a so what do i do now a i asked. A get a the club a a the officer said referring to that big Metal stick they advertise on to that attaches to your steering wheel. It looks like a rectal thermometer for a Brontosaurus. Come on if this thing is so great How come it Only costs 50 Bucks a get it now a he said. A before you go so i drove to an Auto parts store and i told the clerk my sad Story about How my car was stolen from right m front of my House. While i was Home you re the fourth one creators Syndicate a Page 24 a sunday february 21, 1993
