European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - November 28, 1993, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Swamped Best to Tell Alligator this see you later have Barry if you look at any list of great modern writer such As Ernest Hemingway William Faulkner and f. Scott Fitzgerald you la notice two things about them 1. They All had editors. 2. They arc All dead. Thus  draw the scientific conclusion that editors arc fatal. I was made intensely aware of this recently when As the direct result of an idea conceived of by my editor i wound up flailing around up to my armpits in the swamp of doom. That is not its technical name. Its technical name is the big Cypress National preserve which is part of the Everglades ecosystem an enormous wet nature intensive area that at one time was considered use less hut which is now recognized As a vital ecological resource providing Florida with an estimated 93 percent of its bloodsucking insects. No re Illy the Everglades arc very important. Tragically they have been tampered with by Man an ecological Moron who is always blundering into sensitive areas my be fouling them with Beer cans used condoms Golf courses Etc. Only lately has Man realized that the Best thing for him to do is stay out of the Everglades. This was certainly my policy. For years the Only Contact i had with the Everglades was when i drove across them on Highway 41 at a Speed of 87 Mph which i figured was fat enough to outrun any wildlife that might prey on motorists. Even then 1 occasionally had nature encounters such As the time my car encountered a flying Green Bug Large enough to have a business Glass Section which produced a Windshield splat easily the size of . Labor Secretary Robert Reich. So it never occurred to me to set actual foot in the Everglades until my editor Tom Shroder suggested that i go hiking with him out there. It s real interesting he said never once mentioning alligators let alone Poison Trees. So one saturday morning we went. On the Edge of the Everglades we stopped for supplies at a combi nation truck Stop sporting goods store. I bought the survival basics a safari style helmet a Machete beef Jerky a bottle of evian water a snakebite kit and certs. Here is an actual quotation from the snakebite kit instructions  of the Lymph Constrictor. Could cause gangrene which might even necessitate  and this docs not refer to the Snake i used the Machete to Cut the tag off the safari style helmet so the wildlife creatures would not think i was some easily edible swamp Rookie. But i was still nervous. And i did not feel better when we met our guide John Kalafarski a Park service Ranger who is extremely knowledgeable about wildlife. See this tree he said pointing to a tree that looked to me exactly like every other tree in the Everglades. This is a Poison Wood tree. You Don t want to touch  v i m not touching anything i said. Then we began our hike. At first it was Fine. There was an actual path with Little signs to identify the plants. But suddenly John having apparently brushed up against a Lunatic Wood tree plunged right into the swamp. Soon we were up to our Knees in murky festering soup walking on one of those Squishy muck Bottoms surrounded by dense growth and the smell of rotting vegetation. Deeper and deeper we went. I was fighting my Way through big snarls of vines stumbling Over logs falling into hidden holes while up ahead John oblivious to the Aura of menace All around us was delivering a cheerful nonstop commentary on the Flora and Fauna pointing out rare mushrooms tree snails Etc. I wanted to scream tree snails there could be giant snakes hiding in this water and you re looking at tree snails but i did not want to act like a Weenie. I saved that until the water started getting deeper and deeper until finally we were up to our armpits our feet sinking in goo and John pointing right in front of us said this is an Alligator  you mean there s a bad word Alligator in there tasked. Yes said John and it s appropriate that you should use that word to describe him because this is mating  we dont want your women i shouted at the Hole. That might offend him Tom pointed out. Not that we dont find your women attractive i shouted at the Hole. Fortunately we got but of there without having any important limbs chomped off. Although the certs were ruined. When we got Back onto the dry Trail i opened the beef Jerky package with my Machete and passed it around and we enjoyed a pleasant sense of Fellowship and accomplishment and wondered if we would need Oral surgery to repair the Jerky related damage to our Teeth. If you enjoy nature i strongly recommend that you too take a hike in the Ever Glades. I la wave to you from the car. The Mitt a Rel