European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 16, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Ready set hut hand off the dip and pass the Beer Dave Barry it is the time of year when we put the Holiday season behind us a time when we suck in our stomachs leave the cozy confines of our Homes go Back out into the working world Purchase some Beer return to our Homes lie Down in front of our tvs and let our stomachs pro Trude Back out. It s time for the pro football playoffs. I love to watch football on to and i will Tell you exactly Why i have no idea. Perhaps the Appeal of this violent game stems from some Basic biological urge that Guys have dating Back millions of years to when primitive Spear carrying men would go into the Forest to Hunt game for their families and their very survival depended on their ability to operate a re Mote control. Whatever the attraction is a lot of women seem to be immune to it. I have seen women walk right past a to set with a football game on and this always amazes me not Stop to watch even if the to is showing replays of what we Call a Good hit which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal Organ to actually Fly out of a player s body. The average Guy cannot ignore something of this importance. He is going to Stop and watch even if he s supposed to be doing something else such As re porting that his House is on fire. The average Guy might not be Able to name the Secretary of state but he can Tell you who made the hit that turned Joe Theismann into a human gumby an injury so horrible to watch that the to people basically cancelled the rest of the season so they could show close up replays of it in slow motion. Just for the record the player who made this hit is Lawrence Taylor. The Secretary of state is a dweeb every thanksgiving my family attends a gathering at the Horne of our friends Gene Weingarten and Arlene Reidy. The women All gather in one room and talk about careers relationships world events Etc., while the Guys most of whom see each other Only once a year All gather in front of the to and stare co like at the football game. We even watch the pickup truck commercials de spite the fact that most of us Are journalists who rarely haul any payload larger than say a Bagel. We do not talk except to Analyse the Fine Points of the game. First Guy whoa look at that what is that second Guy i think that s his spleen. Third Guy no a spleen that travels that far is going to rupture. That has to be a kidney. I Don t want you to think that All we Guys do at this gathering is watch football. We also play football in the Back Yard. It s a demanding game. For one thing each player has recently consumed his weight in onion dip. For another thing the Weingarten Reidy Yard is not a regulation football Field. It is a Small Hillside covered with thousands of regulation dog doors provided Courtesy of two Large High out put retriever style dogs Harry Truman and Clemen Tine who add to the complexity of the game by Rac ing around in frantic circles at High speeds like subatomic particles in the superconducting super Collider but not As intelligent. We play Standard Back Yard touch football rules which require that on each Down the Offen Sive players must spend a minimum of five minutes in the huddle devising a pass play More Complex than the Clinton health plan calling for curls Hooks slants feints cutbacks laterals running All the Way around the House diving into the Hammock giving the Ball to a Small child and instructing the child to cry if an opposing player comes near Etc. Once we designed a play that involved spitting on the defensive backs. When the Ball is snapped everybody forgets about the play and concentrates on a not falling Down and b avoiding the pass Rush which is a threat to players on both sides inasmuch As it is provided by _ Harry Truman a relentless competitor who will definitely bite your leg. The main difference Between our games and pro football is that sometimes we score a touchdown. This virtually never happens in the nil. The referees won t allow it. They re jealous of the players be cause the players get to Wear sleek athletic uniforms whereas the referees have to Wear Dorky Little hats and pants that make them appear to have enormous Butts. They look like they re smuggling mattresses Back there. So if a player scores a touchdown the referees immediately Call it Back and make a com plex announcement Over the loudspeakers. Of we have holding on number 84, which is offset by an illegal parameter on number 73, which is further com pounded by a failure to declare Nona crumble dividend income on the part of number 143, although this is somewhat mitigated by my suggestions for making the nil More exciting Are /.1. Allow the refs to Wear Cool uniforms and participate in end zone dances or 2. Allow the players to tackle the referees. Of we have  speaking on behalf of a lot of Guys i urge the owners to consider these sensible changes. Also while they re up they should get me a Beer. The Miami Herald by Vuk it analysis Page 28 sunday january 16, 1994