European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - January 30, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse V. Full court press against 2 live Crew is pretty silly Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive int he supreme court has been spending a whole lot of time trying to figure out whether 2 live Crew should be Able to Snake up new lyrics to pretty woman and sing the song however they feel like sing ing it. They like singin it Nasty the people that own pretty woman say they Don t want no rappers doing disgusting versions of the song. And 2 live Crew pretty much says Tough to male and besides they be already recorded it anyhow. And about 70,000 lawyers Are working on this Case now because what happened is that when it got to the sixth circuit court of appeals in Cincinnati censorship capital of the world the judges said that 2 live Crew oses they can f make up Par Ody lyrics to the song unless Acuff Rose music says they can. Acuff Rose music was founded by Roy Acuff who thought rap would be punished in hell anyhow what s amazing about this is that we re still talking about it. It used to be that the courts just routinely said hell yes you can make fun of a Ong or a Book or a movie or cause think about it if you could to then the Art of weird Al Yankovic would be lost to the Ages. The last time somebody raised a ruckus about this was when Irving Berlin sued mad Magazine in the 60s for doing a parody of his song a pretty girl is like a Melody by turning it into Louella Schwartz describes her malady. And the second circuit court in new York told Irving to go stuff it. Lately there s been a lot of this Money grubbing in Nashville starting when Garth Brooks and some re Cord companies said they d refuse to do business with record stores that sold used cd. They wanted to make sure they got their Royalty every time a sin Gle person listened to one of their songs. This would be like me saying i Don t want any libraries buying my books because every time some body checks out the Book they might read one of my sentences without paying me Money. So what we be got Here is a Bunch of millionaires picking on All of us Bottom feeders who do slightly disreputable jobs like satire and parody because they Don t like us sitting around waiting for them to write something so we can rip it apart and destroy it. So i understand Why they re upset. I just Don t understand Why the supreme court is upset. If you go Back to Thomas Paine and Mark Twain and . Mencken and All the other crotchety drunks who groused about America you la find that the Law used to be on our Side. Maybe Clarence Thomas is Reading this. Your Honor please Send these Hillbillies Back to Nash Ville to play with their toe Jam. They just Don t like being the butt of a joke. Watch the Nashville network some night until a commercial for a Ray Stevens video comes on. This is what they think is funny in Nashville. You get it now of. Good. That s better. Speaking of healthy american traditions that Haven t been banned yet there s this new movie taxi dancers about clubs in Al Lay where Guys go to hang out with girls and for 25 Bucks an hour they can clock out a Bimbo in lingerie and dance with her and play Pool with her and get drunk with her. And then when the Guy s time is up the girl goes away. And the whole time you re watching this movie you re thinking do these places really exist this is too pathetic. I Don t even Wanna think about Michelle Hess and Tina fit in taxi dancers. It took me about Art hour of watching this movie before i realized it has no plot at All. It s a european Deal. You re just supposed to sort of feel it. Its like a philosophical statement about the tortured life of taxi dancers in America today. It s such a european movie that half the time you can t understand what the girls Are saying. But they do get Nek kid thank god. Nine breasts. Three dead bodies Hooker abuse. Pill popping. Cat fight. Multiple aardvark ing. One motor vehicle Chase. Drug induced dizzy Cam. Kung fun. Bimbo fun. Drive in Academy award Nomi nation for Sonny Landham As the half drunk half crazy vegas Gambler who says i m so Rich i own my own two stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless Republican Alert the lonesome Pine drive in in Coburn va., held on As Long As it could mostly by showing a rated stuff but now it s gone forever. Todd Wyatt of Bristol tenn., reminds us that with out eternal vigilance it could happen Here. Dear Joe Bob hey dude a saurus what s up really enjoyed your recent column satirizing current trends in creating misleading though often colourful jargon. Here in Silicon Valley there is practically a plague of such Misnomer. Here Are my own warped contributions. Street people laterally Mobile. Computer nerds personality challenged. To evangelists materially motivated ministers. Working poor irs impaired. Politicians credibility challenged. Teen agers Parent ally hindered. Racists ethnocentric ally motivated. Musie critics creativity challenged. Drunk Drivers reflex impaired. Drugstore cowboys horse impaired. Lesbos hormone challenged. Al Lay police Trust impaired. Sex hippies Flashback mavens. Dan Quayle re election committee politically uninspired. Joe Bob Briggs sobriety challenged. Also i would like to thank you for the bitching entertainment your column frequently provides. It is a Welcome alternative to the More predictable drivel usually provided in our local newspaper. Billhi Mountain View Calif. Dear Bill Here s one for korean Drivers people who prefer a new Lane every five seconds. Or More simply the White line challenged. Creators Syndicate to discuss the moaning of tile with Joe Bob or to get tree junk in Tho mail and the world famous newsletter the Joa Bob report write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214 368-2310. Skiing helped this athlete go downhill Linda Ellerbee. Friend of mine put it Best. She said mis Trust any sport in which the red Cross plays a significant role your average Flat Lander however is slow to appreciate this Wisdom we wan to ski. And so we went to Colorado for Christmas. Telluride looked just like the visa commercial about the town White Snow and Blue sky. I can however report to you after this ski experience that the visa commercial is wrong. They May not take american express on the Mountain but they sure do take it at the clinic at the Bottom of the Mountain. What i think you be done said the doctor is torn your i did t even know i had one. Is that bad seemed like a better question than what the hell is my acl the doctor pulled out a Model of something that looked very much like a big dog Bone. This is or. Knee. And this is the Anterior cruciate ligament the my knee Are we talking cast we Are talking surgery. Knee surgery i wanted to cry. Knees Hurt everybody knows that. Besides i was an athlete for goodness Sake. Well of it had been Only a Little More than a year since i d gotten Back to sports gotten Back to working out biking swimming to pushing my body up mountains in the summer and Down them in the Winter. Getting cancer two years ago had convinced me i really did want to live a Long time and that being healthy and Active would be a Good Start. Now i enjoyed being athletic again. I was becoming a late in life Jock or so i thought and i did t want to Stop. Downhill racing May have been in my plans knee surgery was not. My first thought was to Fly Home to new York for the surgery but everybody in Telluride said i should go to Vail instead to the St adman Hawkins clinic or. Steadman did eight or nine Knees a Day they said. And they said All the real athletes went there. Sure enough when i got to Steadman clinic i saw some pretty Well known bodies. A major league Pitcher. A couple of football pros. And Monica Seles they also do backs and shoulders. On the Walls were photographs from half the famous Knees and shoulders in the sporting world. Signed photographs. Thanks for the knee Job. Love that kind of thing. Clearly i was in the right place. They were wonderful people at that clinic. They did t Hurt me More than most doctors will. The Best part was that or. Steadman his assistant Crystal and trainers Dane Topper and John treated me As though i really were an athlete too and never once did they let on that they knew i was nothing More than a somewhat tired looking sort of out of shape 49-year-old woman with a torn acl. Which is what i am. I am also As a result of my clumsiness in a thigh to ankle Brace and on crutches for eight weeks. But in my dreams i am an athlete an injured ath Lete who will not be skiing the downhill in Norway next month. There goes the Gold. Again. And so it goes. King features Syndicate january 30, 1994 sunday Page 21
