European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 26, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Voiges t 3 a i r t if i Clinton should Trade moralizing for what works Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in Illy Clinton is like this kid i knew in High school named Roger Trembley who was always getting ticked off because somebody did no to respect him or somebody was doing something immoral or somebody was just Messing up. Like one time Roger and i noticed this kid named Larry was about to Ste Al shoulder pads out of the locker room. I mean we prove that they weren this shoulder pads but we knew that where Ever he got Mem they weren t supposed to be in his locker. And so there were two things we could be done. The first thing is called the Joe Bob plan. The Joe Bob plan is where we wait until Larry has his locker open and i go around the room saying a has any body seen those shoulder pads with the magic Marker x s on pm i left Mem out in the rain and the coach is Gonna kick my and then i just happen to notice Mem in Larry s locker and i say a there they Are thanks Man. 1 been Loo Kin All Over for these and i just Kinda take Mem but i make Lany feel Good about if. He a like the hero. And we get the shoulder pads Back. This is not the plan we used. Roger insisted on the Roger plan. The Roger plan is where you wait until Larry is in a room full of 30 Guys and you Start screaming at him about what a thief he is and How you know he took the shoulder pads and he better give Mem Back or you re reporting him to the administration. So what happens when you do this either Roger and Larry get into a fight or Larry runs off with the shoulder pads and they re never seen again. Thais what happened because now when its Public. Larry has no Choice. He a forced to insist that he a innocent. Well Bill Clinton is exactly like Roger Trembley. A few weeks Back he told China that they had a a a deadline to fix their human rights record or he was Gonna Cut off Alt Trade. In other words he called Mem scum in a crowded locker room. So what did they do they said a get out of my face and cancel the Trade. We could t care then a few weeks after that when a kid was sentenced to be caned for vandalism in Singapore big Billy demanded publicly that Singapore let the kid go and treated the authorities like barbarians. And so at that Point the government had to go through with it. Billy Billy Billy listen to Joe Bob. There Are people who care about getting the Job done. And there Are people who care about being morally s Superior to everybody e Lse. Be sneaky about this stuff. In a surprised i have to explain this to a Good Ole Arkansas boy like yourself. Speaking of sneaky they finally did it. Somebody figured put a Way to put Maxwell Caulfield and Jan Michici Vincent in the same movie creating a veritable a movie orgy of furrowed brows and mumble by Mouth dialogue. In a talking about Midnight wit a Ness the 64th movie based on the Rodney King Case where somebody videotapes a police beating and zaniness ensues. In this Case it s Paul Johansson and his estranged Girlfriend Karen Moncrieff who witness Caulfield fat a mean Maxwell Caulfield in Midnight witness. And his fellow Blue shirts beating the Bej Abbors out of a drug suspect. A now the cops have the dead Guys prints All Over Johansson a apartment and guess who a the a no. 1 suspect do you smell what i smell that a right. Road picture Johansson and Mon Crieff hit the Road run like the Dickens and Caulfield tries to get to Mem before they can get the tape to the Media. For a Rodney King picture its probably the Best one in be seen. Ill have to Wade through at least 60 More before i give it the Defin i live1 a be St a rat in a though. Four dead bodies. To breasts. One motor vehicle Chase. Three Kung fun scenes. Rodney King fun. Drive in Academy award nomination for Moncrieff As the fed up Girlfriend who says a you done to know what you want a three and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over communism reds Crescent drive in five Miles North of Crescent City calif., is still packing Mem in sometimes As Many As 250 a night and was recently described by the local paper As a the Center of Del Norte county its still five Bucks a Carload and the favored snack bar special is a a red a famous triple header a Candy Popcorn and a drink for is. Kay Rocco and Gayle Lampi both of Eureka remind us that with eternal vigilance the drive in will never die. Dear Joe Bob i really think you need another category to make your hubbies Complete a Best bad girl. A a since it is the a bad Guys a either sex that makes most of these flicks Click and your a Best bad Guy category seems to be for male baddies Only i think you should tip your hat to All the sexy villainess is out there being As they Are at least for me much More exciting to watch than the male villains and usually the heroines too. Maybe in a biased since female villains arc my Numero Uno Cinema interest i have Over 20 two hour tapes of just a bad Chick scenes culled from hundreds of movies. There is nothing that gets my attention More than a sexy but civil villainess plotting seducing fighting killing and hopefully getting her Quot just rewards in suitably Nasty fashion at the end of the last reel James Mccoy big Lake,.texas dear Jimbo u you must be psychic. We just added the a Best Femme Fatale Quot category to the hubbies. Creators Syndicate to discuss the moaning of life with Joe 8ob. Or to got from junk in the mail and Joe Bod a word famous a amp a setter the Joe Bob report write Joa Bob Briggs . To 2002, dal As ten a 7s221. Joe Bob s a Tine to always open 214 368-2310. A Lump and the terror of dying Linda Ellerbee it was a Little thing As lumps go probably no bigger than the proverbial pea but from the moment i found it three weeks ago the Day before a Day the Lump took Over my life. I was in Chicago to speak to 600 cancer survivors on june 5.1 had looked Forward to the trip looked Forward to meeting this particular group of people. Seeing so Many people who had lived through cancer and gone on living would give me courage. It always docs. But it was 10,30 saturday morning and i had found this Lump behind my ear and i knew it was the cancer come Back to Kilt me. The Sun went out of the morning a out of my life a in one minute. This feeling was not helped by the fact that my Bones Hurt a strange ache a soreness that seemed to go All the Way through me. A Lump and aching Bones what else could it be but the beginning of the end i remember thinking to myself and you thought mrs. Onassis went fast. Watch this. I la probably be dead by sunday night. The thing was i see my doctor in new York until monday morning. So a if i lived that Long a what could i do in the meantime i had planned to Call friends in Chicago but now i did no to want to Call anyone. What would i say a Chi its me and in a in town dying. Thought you a like to such terror. 1 sat in my hotel room and i Shook. It probably sounds silly to you that i was scared of a Little Lump but when you be had cancer when you be lost body parts a important ones a to cancer Little lumps loom Large. I decided to go for a walk. Walking clears my mind. It is my favorite form of exercise and because i live in new York i do a lot of walking. I started out from my hotel and headed up Chicago s near North Side. Many years ago when i was in my Early 20s, i lived there in a Small apartment two doors Down from the mansion that belonged to Hugh Hefner a the Playboy mansion. When i got Back to the hotel i had to Peel my socks off my bloody blistered feet. Until this moment i had not noticed the blisters. I went to bed and slept barely. The next morning i got up checked the Lump it fell larger and harder noticed How much worse i Felt in general a my Bones really Hurt now and i seemed to have a fever too a and went downstairs to the cancer survivors convention where i made a speech about optimism and humor and life. In other words i lied to these Good people. Then i flew Home to new York slept badly again and on monday morning rushed to my oncologist who performed tests and informed me i had the flu. Did i feel like a fool yes and no. I had Learned the hard Way that my feelings of safety were literally skin deep and that i could in the space of a moment be thrown Back to that bad place where you Are sure you Are going to die. I had Learned How fragile my recovery was How slender this thread that connected me to the living. I had Learned once More just How much i wanted to live. I suppose these Are Good lessons to learn. I done to know. But i do know this. 1 will not walk for seven hours again without checking my feet every so often. Some things can be controlled. A few anyway. And so it goes. King Fea Turoa syn Licata. June 26. 1994 sunday v for Page 19
