European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - June 26, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                A balanced Story Between sailing and Beer Dave Barry done to wish to boast but recently i was on the Crew of one of the yachts in the prestigious Whitbread round the world yacht race. Of if you want to get Picky i was not technically a on the Crew a a More do emirate statement is that 1 was a constantly in the Way of the  but i was on the yacht and it was an experience that will remain with me for the rest of my life. In the form of chronic butt soreness caused by  More on this later n for the Benefit of those of you who do not kdc$7 up with International yacht racing i should explain that the Whitbread is a grueling nine month race in which Hardy yacht persons sail around the world relying Only upon their skill the wind and humongous sums of Money from corporate sponsors. One of these sponsors a major Beer manufacturer arranged for me to be a passenger on one of the yachts a pub Lic relations person for this company expressed the Hope that i would mention the Beer by name in this column but of course that would violate my journalistic ethics. The Whitbread is the worlds toughest sailing race. The 14 yachts competing this year will travel a total of 32,000 Miles a distance that to give you some perspective a is equal to 253,440,000 Heineken bottles placed end to end. The 10-person Crews race under brutal conditions at sea for weeks at a time sometimes battling 5g-foot Waves constantly cold and wet rarely getting More than a few hours sleep jammed together aboard spartan racing boats that Lack even primitive Casino facilities. Why do they do it for the same reason that Hardy mariners have always ventured out onto the vastness of the sea they arc out of their minds. Please note that i personally did not sail around the entire world. I sailed in an exhibition race off the coast of fort Lauderdale where the competitors had stopped to prepare for the final leg of the Whitbread across the Atlantic to England. The yacht i was Oil is the Yamaha named after its japanese corporate sponsor Steinway. No that was a joke and i sincerely Hope that it does not cause some Public relations person to commit suicide. The Yamaha is sponsored by Yamaha a company that manufactures Fine pianos and Oul Board motors via what i assume Are two completely different processes. Most of the Yamaha screw members come from new zealand they speak a an Guage that is similar to English except that the Only time you can understand them is when they say a very bad word that 1 will represent Here As a fudge Quot a pets real name. -. The Crew members say this word a lot and 1 done to it Blantic them because Sailboat racing is hard. The entire boat is covered with a Complex intertwined mass of nautical items such As winches pulleys lines v booms halyards Leeward Mizzen stanchions forecastle starboard Heine Keris Etc. In order to make the Sailboat do anything Crew members have to yank on every single one of these items until their hands bleed. Getting a racing Sailboat to turn right requires about the same amount of labor As building a three bedroom House. And the boat has to turn a lot this is because in Sailboat racing you never sail directly toward your intended destination instead you Zigzag constantly Back and Forth with the boat leaning Way Over to one Side then Way Over to the other like a person who has consumed too much Heincker this is called a stacking Quot and it serves an important nautical p purpose n a m e by to Al i n g the guest c Ivi i an Passyn Gers into the Ocean where they would be eaten by squid. At least that seemed to be the purpose. There were four of us civilians ii the Yamaha Gerry Lucy Bob and i. Our Job was to always sit on the High Side of the boat. Basically we were human ballast. So when the boat was leaning was Over to the left wed be clinging for our lives to the right Side feeling As though we were on the Edge of a Cliff a then suddenly a voice would shout a stacking a and All these new sealanders would Start pulling on. Things and the boat would Start leaning sharply to the right and we civilians would try to get Over to the left Side scrabbling on our Butts like Pudgy four legged crabs wincing and flinching and trying pcs pc rarely to avoid flapping sails and big ropes snaking wildly around the deck and heavy objects whooshing past our Heads and new sealanders racing All around us Yelling a fudge Quot and of course As soon As we got to the other Side the voice would shout a stacking a. We tacked like maniacs. 1 estimate that the Yamaha travelled 237 nautical Miles without Ever leaving a. P a tech of water the size of a Squash co u it. Back a n d Forth Over and Over scrabble the Pudgy flinching crabs. After an hour of this i knew i was going to need a butt transplant. But i Felt Good because i could sense from the excited Way the new sealanders were talking a fudge fudge fudge Quot that we were doing Well. A Are we winning Quot i asked Bob Between tacks. A the race Hasni to started yet a he replied. So it was a Long afternoon out there. But it was cd citing and we might a thanks to a Strong performance by the ballast actually have won the race. There was no Way to Tell. All i know is i was my glad to get Back on land and be  walk erect and try to heal my bruised arid battered body via a t i me tested med ical remedy i vol v in g me in c Ken. A a Miami Herald. Page 28 sunday june 26.1994