European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 10, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Against the wrong use of numbers James j. Kilpatrick the writer s Art. He court of peeves irks amp Crotchet re sums its summer assizes with a complaint from Billie Ruth Wood of Auburn Ala. She is irked by the misuse of numbers in the Media she wants the court to Stop if very Well. The court says Stop it this minute alas it is not so easy. The court has  with newspapermen for the past 52 years. With a few exceptions we of the press Are arithmetical numbskull. We probably were born that Way. Wood buttresses her complaint with a clipping from the Opelika Auburn news of last october. The Story had to do with the Lee county youth development Center which houses far More boys than. Girls. In fact a the ratio of girls to boys is probably four to . A. Well no. The ratio of girls to boys is probably one to four. Larry Meyer of Seattle submitted a question to the Mark Mcgwire hits on an impressive ratio. Court two years ago. He asked a what is an order of magnitude a manifesting its Craven cowardice in these matters the court has held the question in Chambers but it can no longer be evaded. The gentleman asks a is it just another a More pretentious a Way of saying a Large amount or a Tot a Well yes. The court has an uneasy feeling that writers who write of a an order of magnitude Are the same writers who suppose that a parameter is a Boundary. After consulting with a consultant the court will say Only that the term comes out of astronomy As a measure of rating the brightness of  Why the fourth does no to rank first Tony Kornheiser hate America. I begin this Way because that is Haw 1,203 irate boneheaded letter writers Are going to interpret this column anyway so Why not just give them something solid to Kvetch about actually though i love America. Its the fourth of july i hate. Note to Fetter writers yes1, this must mean i a to America. Have at me. Thank you. Here a my take on the fourth you have to spend the whole Day outside in this miserable steamy summer heat surrounded by horribly fat people with armpit stains that resemble the puddles one might find under a �?T66 Corvair after a front end collision. You Start drinking Way too Early because 1 you re horrified by the sight of these people a who Are ordinarily barred from All Public places including Wal Mart a and 2 its the Only Way to lighten the Load of the stupid Coder you re judging around. So by noon you Are in desperate need of a bathroom and the line for the Porto John stretches to Tegucigalpa and As you stand there Shiv thing like a poodle you think to yourself How has it come to this that pm the Only one without a Tattoo and then it is 2 of clock and you re beyond sunburned and into charred a people Are looking at your face the color of a prize Beefsteak Tomato and asking sympathetically Quot Owooh does no to that Hurt Quot and after a while you Start saying things i ice a Well it would Hurt but fortunately my leprosy has. Deadened All my nerve endings Quot and then you sneeze on them. And you cannot look at any More of that hideous yellow potato salad. And it occurs to you there Are still seven More hours until the fireworks you re stuck in this shimmering heat being pecked at by mosquitoes the size of onions. Your kids Are yapping. There Arentt enough Handi wipes in creation to get the Watermelon juice off your face and hands. Its gridlock you can to move because every Inch of grass is covered with blankets. There a a tuba band warming up for the 237lti rendition of the same Sousa March. Its like being trapped in a really bad Chevy Chase movie in smell of vision. And there Are still seven More hours until the fireworks no wonder More postal workers become disgruntled on july 5 than any other Day a a. A now lets Tell the truth about the fireworks they Arentt any Good. The problem with fireworks is that fireworks technology has not appreciably changed since they were invented 6,000 years ago to impress the emperor of China who wore the skins of dead opossums on his behind and a Jingle hat that looked like Santa clause underpants. Back then people were far More primitive and easy to please. Now you can rent any Arnold Schwarzenegger movie and you la see a Many a face disintegrate and melt into a Snake and live chickens will Fly out his eyeballs. So what a something that goes a a Boom compared to that if the Guy setting off the fireworks does no to blow himself up right in front of your eyes or transom Grimy into a Griffin and Cany away a baby in his Teeth what a the big Deal to try to Appeal o More demanding tastes fireworks makers have moved away from displays that orders of magnitude Are based upon factors of 10. Next Case. Tom  Clarksville va., writes that can reported that Quot one child is killed every two hours a that child must be a Tough kid he surmises to be killed restored to life and killed again .12 times everyday. He moves that can be required to withdraw this alarming calculation in favor of a every two hours a child is  motion granted. Several readers have filed a class act Ort against report cars who say for example tha t a eth i s n new thread is 100 times smaller in diameter than a human hair a or Quot the new Road surfacing material will Cost three times less than Standard concrete.�?T. Numbers do not  Way. If the thread were one time smaller than the hair the thread would disappear. Stated properly the thread is one Looth the diameter of the hair. Tie same thing is True of the new paving material. If it were one time less expensive than Concrete it would Cost nothing at All. Presumably the writer meant that the new stuff would Cost one third As much a the old stuff. On to More cosmic matters. Milton Wiser of Lakeland fla., asks the court to admonish the associated press for a graphic last fall on Home run production. The Apps Chart was intended to illustrate a Story about Mark Mcgwire who reached the 200-Home-run Milestone with the fewest at bats in major league history. To make its Point the Chart provided data on a Chr per  oops amazingly Ralph Kiner was thus credited with 12.69 Home runs per. Time at Bat babe Ruth with 12.9 or per a and Mcgwire with 14.2 or per a. Obviously the Apps Chart maker had things backward. The artist meant Quot a per  otherwise Ruth would have had 33,282 Home. Runs in 2,580 limes at Bat. He actually had 200 homers in this period or one in every 13 times at Bat. Not bad hitting. Universe Prosa sent facts merely explode into dusters of colors and have begun producing Gimmicky effects that look like something familiar a a Pooh Honey look its. A a Bagel a a to Pooh a Pez dispenser a to Pooh health care Reform a the other thing i hate about fireworks is that they begin around a week before the fourth suddenly startling you in the Middle of dinner and the dog gets scared and throws up and the kids crawl under your bed. Its like living in Beirut a Only the bread is fresher. A a anyway Why do we need to celebrate our inde Pende Tice from England England is about the Only country in the world that still talks to us without i Jimmy Carter going Over there first. We  even revolt today. Its not politically Correct anymore. The sensitive american of the �?T90s  want a be Independent from the British i head want to share our cultural diversity with them. A if Patrick Henry made a speech today he  say a give me Liberty or give me death a head say Quot give me Liberty or if that offends you in any Way. Ill accept a modest Cost of jiving  As far As holidays go i rank the fourth of july Way Down 1 Here. In fact i done to like any of the commonly recognized holidays. My three favorite hopi Days Are. A. 1. The first Day every Spring when the ice Cream Man shows up because he brings Joy of All the Little children of the neighbourhood. And us also be pause the ice Cream Many a appearance generally coincides with the first Day women resume wearing Halter tops. 2. The Day every autumn when you set the clocks Back. A 3. Today which is National columnists Day where no matter How stink our copy is you Are obliged to read i All the Way to the end and Praise us a and you Are not even allowed to object to Halter top jokes. Cafe airs Syndicate. Page 22 sunday. July 10, 1994