European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - July 17, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Int Dave Barry s executive director of the Bureau of consumer alarm i am always on the Alert for news stories that involve two key elements. 1.fire, a 7 Quot a. = 2. Barbie. So i was very interested when Alert Reader Michael Robinson sent me a column titled a ask Jack sunny from the dec. 13,1993, Issue of the Jackson miss., Clarion Ledger. Here san excerpt from a consumer s letter to this column which i am not making up a a. A a. A a last year my two daughters received presents of two rollerblade Barbie dolls by Mattel on March 8, my 8-Ycar-Oid daughter was playing Beauty shop with her 4-year-old brother. After spraying him with hair Spray the children began to play with the Boot to rollerblade Barbie. My Little girl innocently ran the skate across her brother a Bottom which Imine i lately ignited his the letter adds that a there Are no warnings concerning fire on these to youngsters. I feel the need to warn potential buyers of their in his response Jack Sunn says cryptically that a Mattel does not manufacture rollerblade Barbie anymore a he docs not address the critical question. That the consumer a letter raised in my mind As in a sure it did yours namely huh i realized that the Only Way to answer this question was to conduct a scientific Experiment. As you May recall last year in response to a news item concerning a Kitchen fire in Ohio i did an Experiment proving that if you put a Kellogg a Strawberry pop tart in a toaster and hold the toaster Lei frown for five minutes and 50 seconds the pop tart will turn into a snack pastry Blowtorch shooting flames up to 30 inches High. Also your toaster will be ruined. The problem was that i did not i ave a rollerblade Barbie. My son happens to be a boy and we never went through the Barbie phase we went through the masters of the universe phase. For two years our household was the scene of a fierce unceasing Battle Between armies of Good and evil action Fig urls. They were everywhere. You d open up the salad crisper and there would be he Man and. See actor striking each other with carrots. So at the end of a recent column i printed a note appealing for a rollerblade Barbie. I got two immediately one from Renee Simmons of Clinton Iowa and one from Randy langhenry of Gainesville . Who said it belonged to his 6-year-bid daughter Greta a it would help me if you could get Barbie. Back to North Georgia before Greta notices she a gone Quot Randy wrote rollerblade Barbie is basically a Standard Barbie which is to say she represents the feminine Beauty Ideal if your concept of a Beautiful female is one. Who is 6 feet 9 inches tall and weighs 52 pounds 37 of which Are in the bust area and has a rigidly Perky smile and eyeballs the size of Beer coasters and a one molecule nose and enough hair to clog the Lin Coin Tunnel. But what makes this Barbie special is that she s wearing two Little yellow rollerblade booties each of which has a wheel similar to the kind found in cigarette lighters so that when you Roll Barbie along her booties shoot put Sparks. This seems like an alarming thing for rollerblade to do but Barbie staring jerkily ahead docs not seem to notice. A to ensure High standards of scientific accuracy i conducted the Experiment in my driveway. Aside from rollerblade Barbie my materials consisted of several brands of hair Spray and a this was a painful sacrifice a a set of my Veteran underwear estimated year of Purchase 1968. I spread the under. Wear on the driveway then sprayed it with hair Spray then made rollerblade Barbie skate across it a sparking her booties. I found that if you use the right Brand of hair Spray a i got excellent results with rave a rollerblade Barbie does indeed cause the underwear to burst dramatically into flame. While i was doing this a neighbor walked up and i just w ant to say that if you think it s easy to explain Why you re squatting in your driveway in front of a set of burning underwear surrounded by hair Spray bottles holding a Barbie doll in your hand then you Are mistake Nat this Point the Only remaining scientific ques to ionic a sure this has occurred to you a was could rollerblade Barbie set fire to a Kellogg a Strawberry pop tart the answer turns out to be yes but you have to be in the act of hair spraying the pop tart when Earbie rollerblade Over it so you get a Blowtorch effect that could very easily set fire to Barbie s hair hot to mention your own personal self. Plus you get tart filling in the booties. So we Ean see Why Mattel ceased manufacturing rollerblade Barbie i imagine that whichever toy de. Signer dreamed up this exciting concept has been transferred to Mattel a coveted Bosnia Plant. But what should be done about All the rollerblade barbies that Are already in circulation i believe that the Only solution is for All concerned Consumers to demand that our Congre Shumans pass a Federal Law requiring that All underwear snack pastries and other household objects carry a prominent Label stating a warning do not Spray hair Spray on this object and skate rollerblade Barbie Over it a but that is not enough. We also need to appropriate millions of dollars for a massive Federal Effort to undo the damage that has been done so far. In a talking about scraping this crud off my driveway. Also the taxpayers owe Greta a new Barbie. A. A a Miami Herald
