European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 07, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Of the Ren & skimpy shawls a mainstay on the Nickelodeon Cable Channel on stateside television. Rating the Long Cable in America by Joyce Millman san Francisco examiner a 7"b asic Cable channels in the United states such As esp and mtg have become so much a part of life As we know it that if it weren t for the monthly Bill we might forget entirely that were paying to watch television. Surf surf surf. Does t Money Fly when you re having fun now Cable systems in partnership with Telephone companies Are upgrading their wiring expanding the number of choices they can offer and readying sub scribers for the fabled 500-Channel future. New Basic channels Are popping up every week to fill the open slots the most recent being Fox s in launched june 1 and Abc s All talk Channel America s talking july 4. Cable Industry observers Are predicting that Cable service will soon be broken Down into four categories Basic passive which is the same thing As the current Basic Cable As if Remote armed viewers were passive passive Premium Basic plus stuff like Hob or the Disney Channel Basic interactive so you can shop or make travel arrangements via to and interactive Premium so you can order movies or to series episodes on demand and play video games however this All shakes out you can bet that View ers will be pouring More and More Money Down the tube. So maybe now is the time to evaluate what Many americans have been watching the past few years a what if you actually had to pay a Buck every time you punched up can How much would you pay for the peace of mind that comes from knowing you can turn on Nickelodeon in the Middle of the night and see Jack Webb s face the following is a consumer guide to some of the most popular Basic Cable channels the ones you be been taking for granted. They re graded from a High _ of a absolutely necessary to a Middle of the Road. B Good to have but not life or death to a Low of c throwing Money away a a arts & entertainment also known As anglophile & eggheads. A a s obsession with All things British has resulted in some real treats like Michael Palin s travelogue ground the world in 80 Days and the serial the House of Elliot. The net works programmers know that Egghead anglophile Are often crazy for mysteries so they be aired classic series like the Rockford files and the avengers. The historical series run heavily toward world War ii and the British Royal family. In Short a a is pcs with commercials. Lots and lots of commercials All of them for cruise lines and luxury cars. Grade b plus. Am american movie classics old movies. Really old movies. Movies that the video stores practically beg you to rent so they can dust the shelves underneath them. The supposed Selling Point of am is this Guy Bob Dorian who hosts Trie it movies and provides historical background. Like you really want to know Virginia Mayo s birthday. Grade c. Cnoc financial news by Day talk shows by night. Tom Snyder Dick Cavett Phil Donahue Geraldo Rivera Mary Matalin Tim Russert Al Raker. Al Roker still Cnoc would be Worth it for of Tom alone. Grade b. Can the first virtual reality Cable Channel. Turn it on and wham you become a 55-year-old Salesman from Muncie ind., on a business trip to Atlanta _ watching to in your hotel room awesome Grade a. Comedy Central the All comedy Channel. Nightly reruns of Monty Python saturday night live kids in the Hall and soap plus cult fave mys Tery science theater3000 and alternative coverage of political conventions and state of the Union addresses. All this and Benny Hill Tod. Grade b. Court to the hottest cult Cable Channel around with live coverage of Juicy court cases like the Wil Ham Kennedy Smith rape trial the Bobbitt affair Menendez of Rama and o. J. Simpson court to of fers the Legal system As entertainment for better or worse. Its Impact on . Society can t be overstated. Grade a. A Span America s fun Niest Home videos As directed by Frederick Wiseman. Hours and hours of unedited footage of events on Capitol Hill offered with no commentary. What politics looks like when its not primping for not work news soundbites. Grade at discovery Channel yes it s Nice to know that there s a place on Cable for ser rious documentaries about ethnic War in the former Yugoslavia the history of aids and the death of the rain Forest. So what Are discovery s most watched programs to Date documentaries on shark attacks and the Many uses of dung. Grade b. Esp sunday night baseball with Jon Miller and Joe Morgan the friendliest announcers on to. Sports enter especially the sunday edition with plays of the week when hosts Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann take sports satire to new Heights. Chris Berman the rare sports Loudmouth who Actu ally has something to say. Esp is Jock heaven and proud of it. But who s watching those soft Core morning exercise shows on second thought i Don t want to know. Grade a. Lifetime the women s Channel. Unsolved mysteries reruns. The game show shop till you drop. Repeats of every woman in jeopardy to movie Ever made. Sisters five nights a week girls Aren t you glad they made a Cable network just for us Grade c. Mtg half naked babes on Beach mtg the in tensely annoying real world gangsta rappers Bra vis and butt head the had bangers Ball Kurt Loder this is getting harder and harder to take with age. A but that s what vh-1 is for you Elvis costello Loving old Crank. Grades mtg an age relative a vh-1 too depressing to even think about. � Nickelodeon decent programming for kids Eureka s Castle rugrats Nick news and cleverly packaged reruns of classic sitcoms the Dick Van Dyke show the Mary Tyler Moore show i love Lucy for Boomer parents make Nick a Cable crr Annc with a solid identity . Did we men Tion Ren & skimpy Grade a. Ivc specialized boutique shopping channels Are going to sprout up like Gap stores to fill the expanded Able universe. For now ivc is the department store of Home shopping networks where Hummel figurines Gold Chain necklaces and to fal cookware co exist on the same plane. Grade c. Int indispensable for its Aba coverage especially in the Early rounds of the playoffs. Unfortunately it s also the Home of often terrible original movies Ted Turner vanity productions and each afternoon some of the worst Hollywood westerns Ever made. Grade b minus. Usa every Day you can see 10-year-old reruns of the $25,000 Pyramid. Every week you can see lame made for Usa b movies most of which Star Jack Scalia and or Lindsay Wagner. And then there Are the Friday night showings of straight to video immortals like Cav Girland Bikini car Wash hosted by Gilbert Gottfried. As cheap Sleazy and unimaginative a Cable Channel As you la find. And proudly Bear ing the name Usa. Grade c. The weather Channel also known As the re Tiree Channel. To Luis in t meant to be disrespectful of elder americans. This is Only to suggest that if you live in san Francisco and you truly care about the r weather in Portland Maine or Elpaso Texas and you re not planning to travel to these places any time soon you May have too much time on your hands. But at least it keeps you away from ivc. So for that it gets a a Scrippa Howard news service August 1994 sunday page9