European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 21, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse                                Odds & ends miss manners Judith Martin dear miss manners my Boss Seldom returns phone Calls and when he does it in t promptly t can t Tell you How much abuse i am subjected to be cause of his Lack of concern for others. When he does return a Call he tells the party that he has tried numerous times and the line was Busy or that no one answered. These Are All businesses with full time personnel he also tells them he never got their messages. How can i respond to did he get my messages or did t you give him my message so far i have politely replied that he gets All Mes sages but this does t convince Many callers and i am further queried As to when did he get the Mes Sage and Why has t he returned the Calls. After years of dealing with him Why Haven t these callers Learned that he in t going to return their Calls promptly if at All gentle Reader presumably he or his business has compensating qualities. Otherwise after years of dealing with him you would have Learned not to let him get away with involving you in his excuses. Nevertheless now would be a Good time to Stop. Aware of the constraints of criticizing a Boss on top of the Universal requirement of doing everything to everyone politely miss manners will suggest a particularly tactful  s not a Good idea for you to claim you never got people s Telephone messages you might say in a Good natured tone that seems to regard his habit As charming naughtiness. People Are divided Between thinking that you re lying or that i am neither of which does much for the reputation of this office. Why Don t i just warn people that you d rather Han dle business by mail of course miss manners has no idea whether your Boss answers his mail either. She s just Assum ing that he does something in order to stay in Busi Ness. Dear miss manners my sister in Law was not Able to conceive a child after Many years of trying and always said she would not adopt. However i finally got pregnant after eight years of infertility and when she found out she became very angry and with her husband s insistence they finally adopted a child. I have regretfully resented her hostility toward my pregnancy Ever since they told us they adopted be cause i got pregnant and i can t seem to resolve my feelings. We were close before and Are courteous now but no warmth remains. We live in the same town and family functions Are almost unbearable for me. Should i avoid her or just remain noticeably polite and cordial gentle Reader regrettable As this situation is miss manners is at least relieved to hear that the tone maintained on both sides is polite and cordial. Might she encourage you to persevere and make your own behaviour even More artificial if you Are tempted to respond that you could t possibly do that because you feel strongly and can not perhaps should not put on such a false front miss manners begs you to reconsider. Natural behaviour is not so wonderful As to be so indulged As your own justified complaint illustrates. It May Well be a natural reaction to begrudge someone else even someone to whom one has close ties of relationship and affection a Happi Ness one has been denied. But it is an ugly one. Your sister in Law never should have confessed this to you she should have disguised it with the proper show of Delight at your happiness that your pregnancy deserved from her. Such false behaviour would have saved you grief. It might also have raised her own feelings. And pretending to warmth and forgiveness As you two begin motherhood together May actually encourage you to put your Hurt behind you and resume an affection that should never have been tested by such brutal frankness. Dear miss manners my Boyfriend and Tare considering going to another state to get married but we want to announce the wedding formally and to have a reception upon our return. Is it proper to have bridal showers Bachelor Par ties etc., before the event even if we do not intend to have loved ones present at the actual wedding How should invitations be worded we Don t want to Hurt or offend others. Gentle Reader you Are in Luck. Miss manners assures you that you May go ahead and pack for your wedding in peace without having any troublesome responsibilities about organizing All kinds of auxiliary parties. Of course you May throw a reception when you re turn As Well As Issue formal announcements of your marriage. But As for showers and Bachelor parties they Are not thrown by the bridal couple at All but by their friends in their Honor. Should your friends be moved to do so they will take care of the arrange ments. United feature Syndicate feeling incorrect address your etiquette questions in Black or Blue Black my on White writing paper to miss manners . Box 91428, Cleveland Ohio 44101-3428. The Quill shortage prevents miss Man ners from answering questions except through this column. Bono Northants England a i d like to buy a Book on chutzpah and have you pay for  to the extended family go the spoils Erma Bombeck when i married into my husband family i was surprised by the fac that when we spent an evening wit them we said goodbye got into Theca and left. Saying goodbye in my family is not so simple. I leave with a Watermelon balanced Between my Knees leftover meat loaf for my lunch the next Day bags of homemade noodles a Start off a Vine from the Back Yard and a pie pan being returned from the pie i sent Home with them. Sometimes i get an ugly piece of furniture they were going to throw away anyway whether i want it or not. My late sister was the worst. She d Start stacking things up on the Kitchen counter while you were there. The longer you visited the less counter space there was. She gave you Beans she had canned pot holders she had sewn and a bucket of cherries As parting gifts. If she had bought two pounds of Bacon on Sale she Felt obliged  you one. I got a bag of homemade Frozen Turtle soup for you she said. I hated Turtle soup last year i hate it this year and i will still hate it next year i reminded her. Too bad she said. You re not going Home  i read stories of what i can do with my leftover Turkey and Sweet potatoes after the holidays. I never have any leftovers. Everything gets parcelled out in plastic bags and goes to hew owners. There is a Downside to this game of musical food clothes and household belongings. The other night after dinner at mothers i was Laden with a Box of wild Rice that she bought without her glasses an unbaked pie crust that was about to expire and Candy bars left Over from halloween. Wait a minute she said i be been meaning to give you this dress. I hated it from the moment i bought it. It never fit right and it s not my  i bought that dress i said and gave it to  our eyes met. She smiled and said ill Send it Home with your Cousin Dede with a Nice pie Universal press Syndicate no kidding pirate protocol 1. Meddle with a consenting woman death 2. Steal fellow pirate s loot death 3. Hit fellow pirate 39 lashes 4. Have dirty firearms no share of loot 5. Keep secrets marooned 6. Desertion and captured marooned 7. Steal from the ship marooned or death a rates by Joshua Feder Mallard press six former teachers 1. Sting taught High school English 2. Bob Denver High school history and math 3. Samuel Morse painting sculpture at Nyu 4. Agnes Moorehead High school speech drama 5. Kris Kristofferson English literature at Westpoint v " 6. Carroll o Connor substitute teacher world features Syndicate Page 10. Sunday. August 21, 1994