European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - August 21, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Crime Ridden Denmark assaults our senses Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive int hese new statistics came out last year showing that the City that has the most crime of any City in the world is. Would you care to guess what do you think new York Rome Beirut Medellin try Copenhagen. I can imagine almost any other people in the world As criminals but Danes the ones with the Blond hair and the designer Duffel bags who Grin at you in airports the ones who Are actually afraid to step ahead of you in line i Don t Wanna say these people Are mild mannered but they ask permission before they sneeze. What this really makes me think is just what do they consider a crime in Denmark maybe putting two slices of bread on your open faced herring Sandwich is a crime. Maybe it s a crime to sell hand made wooden chairs to americans for less than a thousand Bucks each. Maybe spitting on the statue of Hans Christian Andersen is a crime. And what do the Dan ish police do if they catch you Force you to drink tub org instead of Carsberg confiscate your clogs i mean i can t imagine they have actual jail cells in Den Mark. In most parts of the country they still run the subways on the Honor system. They might ask you for your ticket and they might not. Try that in new York. But let s say you did have a really angry Dane. Maybe he was drunk on aquavit and his wife just left him and somebody he hates like a swede ran Over his favorite Weenie dog. How much could he do no Way he could get a weapon so the Best he could do is crack the swede Over the head with a Little Mer maid paperweight you know mean i m willing to believe that something is Rotten in Denmark. After All it s the culture that created Brigitte Nielsen. But then again it s also the culture that had the sense to Send Brigitte Nielsen Over to us. Danish criminals i m sorry but this just does not of filmmaking capitals of the world i Al ways get a Little Goose bumpy when i see a new flick come out of Austin Texas cause that s the birth place of the Texas Chainsaw massacre and they Only make about one movie a year there but they re always these campy Ultra Quirky drumhead artistic statements like the one we be week teen age cat girls in the poster says when they rub against your leg you cough up the Hairball this is the Story of what would happen if somebody s grandma in Texas unleashed the Power of the 4,000-year-old Keshura cat Sphinx which looks exactly like one of those cheap Black cat statues you can Carrie Vanston and Marissa Mir cur As you can see these Are teenage cat girls in heat. Buy in Ait museums. Dead cats turn into no kid women who Valk around on their tiptoes and rub up against Corduroy. They All get together in the House with the Keshura statue thingy like a Low budget sorority and then they spread out mate with unsuspecting males rip out their guts and leave pm. Splayed out on the ground with an ear to car Grin. Their goal a race of Texas cat people. Pretty scary huh three dead bodies. Twenty two dead cats. Thirty two breasts. Multiple aardvark ing. Multiple cat Vark ing. Breast stabbing. Cat interrogation. Brahma Bull fun. Water pistol fun. Drive in Academy award Nomi nations for Gary Graves As the goofball cat finder for getting a Strong signal on his radar and saying this has gotta be some Lunatic with a Backpack full of cat Heads Dave Cox As the hapless Hitchhiker who gets bumped out of a pickup truck in this weird town for saying Jesus suicidal egyptian cat Cults Carrie Vanston for being the first actress Ever to actually cough up a Furnall on camera and writer Grace Smith and writer director Scott Perry for lines like cats killed my Grandfather four stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless old grouch Alert the stairway drive in just West of Frankfort ky., is up for Sale but there s one hitch. Owner Michael Chakeres will sell the 10-Acrc site Only if it is not used As a drive in. Reason this traitor owns two hardtops in Frankfort. Brian Powell of Lexington reminds us that without eternal Vig Ilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob who would go on a stamp of Jim Morrison Young Lizard King or older overweight poet or instead since he looks and sounds so much alike and would that be Selling out for Morrison Kilmer or Oliver Stone what would Shirley Maclaine have to say about this do past lives count Armando Munoz Seattle dear Armando i vote for the bloated heroin head grizzly Bear armpit crust Jim Morri son. It s a 90s thing. Joe Bob was t Jay in Ameri can hot Wax i could swear he was in a sup porting role. The flick is just of but Jerry Lee Lewis and Chuck Berry got to Rock at the end. Gary Murray Dallas dear Gary it s pretty scary to think there Are people out there tracking Jay Leno s screen appearances. I m sure you re right about it. Dear Joe Bob All right you started this with your review of to sleep with a vampires now you re Gonna have to do the right thing and finish it. Since checking out the movie on your recommendation i have become an acolyte of Charlie Spradling. Can i get in touch with her would it help if i added that i m Desper ate Al Muir Dallas dear Al you re closer than you think. Charlie Spradling is a fort Worth Gal from Way Back. I la Send her your letter Bud. Creators Syndicate i to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob or to get free junk in the mail and Joe Bob s world famous newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214 368-2310. The computer in Joe Bob s trailer House can be contacted through Compuserve at 76702,1435. File a generation later Woodstock not Worth it Linda Ellerbee did not go to the new Woodstock but that Sok. I missed the other one too. Actually i feel much better about missing this one. And so should you. This Woodstock was run by grown ups which almost ensured it would be no Damn Good. Yes i know the first Woodstock was organized by grown ups too but in 1969, being an adult involved in Rock n Roll was something of a contradiction in terms you know what i m saying once i asked Arlo Guthrie what was so important about Woodstock. He said it was the first time there were More of us than he was right. At the time you will recall Many americans real grown ups could t understand what was such a big Deal. To them Woodstock was a giant mud puddle occupied by members of an alien species some of whom they might accidentally be related to although they certainly hoped not. The species spoke its own language too. As Gra Ham Nash of Crosby stills and explained Many years later there was a lot of nonverbal communication going on. You would look at someone and you would understand what they were about to say so that they did t have to say it. You know some one would say it s Cool and you knew exactly what was Cool. You did t have to ask what s Cool you Kenw that it was of maybe it was the drugs. But it was also something else Woodstock was a gathering of half a million kids who had a Good time without being policed and without their parents More real grown ups present Itwara Rock concert that glorified getting along or put another Way peace. Considering the tragedy we were involved in in Vietnam in 1969, it was a Good time for peace to happen even for three Days. And it was free. No it did t Start out that Way. The original Woodstock was t a free concert at All. It became one Only because thousands and thou Sands of Young people streamed past the overwhelmed Security personnel who finally succumbed to Tiu obvious and gave up trying to collect tickets. Cut to 1994. The organizers of Woodstock 94, grown ups the lot of pm were said to be taking extraordinary pre cautions to prevent Waves of people from crashing the Gates. In other words they did t really want an other Woodstock. What a Shock. Get this. At Woodstock 94, police Many of them on All terrain vehicles or horseback patrolled outside. Fences surrounding the site. A Security Force of 1,000 watched from the inside. Finally contingency plans for mass arrests were in place with buses and state prisons ready. Well my goodness that sure sounds like three Days of peace and love to me does t it to you duh. So i did not go to what was not really Woodstock after All. Call it age if you like but this time i put inc original concert on the cd player kicked Back and waited for the moment when i could do my part to make Woodstock really Woodstock. I m talking about the moment when country Joe Mcdonald hol lers Gimme an of off and i reply in 1994 As 1 would have in 1969 and so it goes King features Syndicate August 21,1994 sunday Page 21
