European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - September 11, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse Typist beware big computer is watching Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in id you know you can go into a computer system Type out some lame message like hey there Honey Wanna play Spear the muffin with a Weed wha or Send it to somebody on a computer system in Canada and end up getting us Welcome to the world of virtual harassment. You Don t even have to see the woman speak to the woman know the woman s a for that matter know the woman exists. And they can still get you for sexual harassment. And while we re on the subject can t we get a bet Ter for this i m sick of this Long latin that nobody can pronounce. Is it Hairis sment or is it harassment. Why Don t we just Call it hitting on a Chick. Aren t we Gettin into like a major free speech Issue Here the whole idea of amendment Numero Uno is that you can say whatever the Heck you want to you can be As Nasty and mean As you want and then the person you were Nasty to can be Nasty right Back at you. ". suddenly in the nazi nineties we have the idea that everybody is helpless that nobody can do anything about an obnoxious remark and so the government or the courts or somebody else should do something about it. What we re trying to do is eliminate the troublemakers get rid of the people who just won t shut up. Or As my sixth Grade teacher used to say some people just need to learn their and that lesson is that the majority will decide what words you can use who can yell pm at and where you can stand when you do it. Well have committees deciding this stuff committees of 40-year old women in Nylon pants suits who drink too much herbal Tea. What would Thomas Paine say actually i Fonow what Thomas Paine would say hey there Honey Wanna play Spear the muffin with a Weed whacker speaking of Guys who can kick righteous Hiney Jerry Trimble is Back this week in a flick called one Man army and i m sorry to report that Jerry still. Has t taken those voice lessons and so he looks great but he sounds like a latvian accountant with a hernia. Jerry is a mild mannered Al Lay Tae Kwon do teacher who drives Back to the Small town where he grew up to Bury his grandpa. But when he gets there he s attacked by vicious pickup truck driving Mes Kins lured into an illegal backroom kickboxing match and invited into the bedroom of luscious me Lissa Moore the Girlfriend he has t seen for four years even though i Don t really know Why he has t seen her. It just Kinda slipped his mind i guess. Twelve dead bodies. Twelve breasts. Aardvark ing. Skinny dipping during an automatic weapons attack. Two motor vehicle chases. Two brawls. Two explosions. Three gun Battles. Guy crushed by a car. Strangulation. Gratuitous wife beating. Twelve Kung fun scenes. Volkswagen Beetle fun. Tire Iron fun. Skin saw fun. Drive in Academy award nominations for Rick Dean As the Nasty sheriff for saying i would love to have you in my jail Dennis Hayden As the Coke sniffing Deputy who says he died the Way he Jerry Trimble swings in one Man army. Lived a hero Trimble As the Goody two shoes kick Boxer for saying i m not for Sale and Cirio Santiago the legendary filipino director whose motto is when in doubt blow it two and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe Bob s advice to the hopeless apathy Alert Only three cars showed up for the final night of the Espanola drive in in Espanola n.m., which is pure Dee pitiful. Douglas Merriam of Santa be reminds us that without eternal vigilance it can happen Here. Dear Joe Bob your recent Moon walkers fat people reference shows How politically hip you re not. You still Don t get if. These people Are gravitationally challenged. Discrimination by Gravity has made them second class citizens. The Structure of society Gravity limited furniture etc., is at fault. That they can t pass a Taco Bell without scarfing 14 dozen Taco supreme is irrelevant. We All Are obligated to Correct the ravages of Gravity on these unfortunates i Hope this letter will make you less preference challenged. Steven o Guin Sacramento Calif. Dear Steven thanks for Clearing that up. I spent the whole Day making my office fat accessible. Fortunately my Cousin owns a Bulldozer. Dear Joe Bob i liked your lust for Freedom article on born again but was it Dick Van Patten or Kierkegaard who said when you Label me you negate me Jill o Loughlin Napa Calif. Dear Jill when you Label me you negate me that was Pia Zadora i believe. Dear Joe Bob i have been wanting to Tell you about some Hila rious films that the English made Back in the Early 60s. There were a whole Bunch of them. They were called the carry on movies. You being the film Buff that you Are you Are probably familiar with these Ries. The Only two titles that i can remember Are carry on nurse and carry on Constable. They Are a riot. V Union Ore. Dear David Many people have told me about the carry on movies and when i was in England a couple years ago i got asked about them All the time. I even met one of the original actresses in the carry on series. But to this Day i still have never seen the movies. Everybody has a few flaws in their education i guess. Creators Syndicate to discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob. Or to get free junk in the mall and Joe Bob s world famous newsletter write Joe Bob Brigga . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221. Joe Bob s fax line is always open 214-368-2310. Or you can message him on Compuserve 76702,1435. Feeling Well but not that Good at 50 Linda Ellerbee Oday the Day i write this is my birthday. Iam 50 years old. How on Earth did this happen i m tempted to ask but then i know the woke up thinking i might feel some thing new. Today i might feel Wiser. Clearer of head stronger of heart. More entered. More As we used to say together but i did t feel any of those things. I Felt As i do most every morning pretty Good if a Little stiff of knee and ankle but that s merely a skiing injury an old car crash and family arthritis. All right and . / Well Well i said to myself if this is what 50 feels like it s i told myself other stuff too. I said that on this Day i must remember to be particularly grateful that any lady who d been diagnosed with cancer when she was 47 had Best View her 50th birthday As nothing Short of one great big Hurrah. Said that being alive was the Best the Only gift i wanted. The Only gift needed. Yes that is what i told myself but it was sort of a lie you know. It embarrasses me to admit this. I would rather be thought of As a woman with sound priorities a woman who understands that life itself is in the end entirely enough. In my brain i do understand. Some Days i even understand in my heart. Today is not one of those Days. Today i Don t want to be 50. Today i want to be 19.1 want to be starting out. Yes again. I have Al ways liked opening nights first verses first acts overtures. In the movies and books in life i have always liked beginnings Best so. Wait a second. What if 50 turns out to be More beginning than end not an original idea i admit but one Worth considering about now would t you say and still if you Tell me that 50 is the youth of old age i am liable to Hurt you some or want to try any Way. Old age mo/7 i am i announce to my family Middle aged. At 50,1 will finally admit to being Middle aged. I get away with this until my son reminds me How few people i know who Are 100. Maybe i should just lie about my age. After All everyone knows that in America Young is Good and old is bad right i once heard someone say that a woman telling her True age is like a buyer confiding his final Price to an armenian Rug dealer. Pul Cyze Haven t we gotten beyond that by now what Ever happened to Progress i mean intellectual Progress. Perhaps i la have to be 50 for a while before i know what it Means. In the meantime Here is what i do know i am grateful to be alive. I am not grateful to be getting older. A contradiction you say yes i believe you re right. So today my Comfort is my Cousin Shirley Jean who told me her 50s were the Best time of her life. She meant it too. This information actually helps me a lot however it docs nothing for my Cousin Shirley Jean who now is about to turn 60 and seems pretty much inconsolable about the whole thing. And so it goes. King features Syndicate september 11,1994 sunday Page 21
