European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 9, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse A Forrest Gumpy really just a dumb movie Joe Bob Briggs goes to the drive in w a a a it Quot we a a ver once in a while a get stuff in the mail b j from this club called mensa which lets you i n Only i f you can prove you have a j High in or you score 900 on your sats. I scored 900 on my sats. I took Mem three times and scored 300 each time. Anyhow you be probably seen this indoor Bull stuff flick called Forrest Gump which is the Story of How great it is to be retarded. In fact the Guy is not Only retarded he a also crippled and poor and the Only thing he has going for him is that he a Tom Hanks. And the idea of the movie is supposed to be that the More retarded you Are the happier a life you la have in America. Anti the More you done to understand Money the Richer you la be. And if you re crippled you la be magically healed cause it la cause you to work your legs harder. And if you get into the army but you turn away from Battles and run you la end up As a War hero. And if you fall in love with somebody who does no to love you you la get married because the other person will be drawn like a Magnet to your overpowering a a a love. Please done to Tell the stalkers of a anyhow Arentt we getting a Little carried away Here 1 actually think the mensa people and the Forrest bumpers Are exactly alike. People Wanna be different. So if they can be different by being smart do that. And if they can be different by being retarded do that. You could sneak a retard into mensa and no body a know the difference. I guess maybe if they asked a pm the of Rwanda they a know the. Difference but just in terms of talking to Mem they a never know the difference. What if Forrest Gump had an in just 10 Points higher7 then he would be accepted into Public school and he be considered a retard and head he just another average everyday Roto rooter Man like All the rest of us. I m sorry but the flick is bogus. You Wanna see a realistic movie Check out shrunken Heads which is what would happen if three kids in the neighbourhood got blown away by thugs working for a lesbian gangster but then they had their Heads Cut off and boiled in a the Friendly neighbourhood comic Book Salesman and haitian voodoo police officer and then they came Back to life and flew around with knives Between their Teeth getting revenge by slicing up criminals. All right All right All right we be seen the Story before right but never with Meg Foster in drag wearing a fat suit. The most interesting part of it is trying to figure out the strategy that a flying shrunken head would use to killer thug with a sawed off Shotgun and a getaway car. We re talking blood on the Windshield blood on the Mirror blood in the Shower. We re talking goo fest �?T94. Forty three dead bodies. Head hacking Throat ripping. Mouth maggots. Zombie motor vehicle chases with three crashes. Gratuitous magic Jelly Beans. A m a re Julius Harris is he Apical Guy who Sells comic books on he Corner but shrinks Heads in his spare time in the sick comedy shrunken Heads drive in Academy award nominations for Julius Harris As the wicked rastafarian who says a yes Freddy cops in Haiti Are extremely scary Quot and Quot i will Pluck out your tongues with Bull cutters and roast them and i will take your brains and chill them for the purposes of garnishment Quot Aeryk Egan As. The head head for saying a was we continue to Nur. Ture our hate the loss of our humanity will quicken evermore a and a a there a nothing More for us in this world now except for revenge Quot and Becky Herbst As the 15-year-old who gets romantic with a head. Three and a half stars. Joe Bob says Check it out. Joe bobs advice to the hopeless Victory Over Saddam Hussein the Kuwait City drive in bombarded by the evil iraqis was one of the first Public places reopened after the War it As Over and now even though there Are still mines in the area it s doing a booming business. My kind of country. Wade Kearns an air Force Pilot in Europe reminds us that with eternal vigilance and military Force if necessary the drive in will never die. Dear Joe Bob Briggs Pat and myself being ardent fans of topless action flicks and your column have become concerned in recent weeks Over the falling breast count in your reviews. A Quot a a a a. A a a a we firmly believe this to be the fallout that normally accompanies the democrats return to Power. As proof of this look at Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez and whom do you see a ill Tell you who. Ronald Reagan and George Bush for the past 12 years. We think the Clinton administration also forced Andy Sidaris and his Lovely wife to retire from the drive in movie business. \ Kevin and Pat person Livermore Calif. Dear Kevin and Pat you would think the democrats would be the breast party you on the other hand even Jane Fonda a breast Queen of the �?T60s a married a Republican. Dear Joe Bob where can 1 buy Chesty morgans movie deadly weapons or any of her movies r. Bob Pell Brazil ind. Dear Bob. Chesty morgans two greatest movies a they May be her Only movies a arc deadly weapons and. Double agent 73, and both Are available in lurid technicolor from strand Sci video in Santa Monica Calif. You get the added Bonus on every video of an introduction by yours truly. Now York times news service. Money and jobs Back in business on network to Linda Ellerbee Iff to discuss the or meaning of life with Joe Bob. Or to. Get free junk in the mail or his world famous newsletter write Joe Bob Briggs . Box 2002, Dallas Texas 75221, Joe Bob s has a new lax number at his trailer House 214-985-7448. Joe Bob on Compuserve 76702,1435. M or Many years i worked for the television i. Networks Abc. Lbs. Abc they were my ii employers. I worked As a journalist for 1 their news divisions. During the time that i worked for them their business began to change drastically and because of it my business began to change too. ,. At the networks of the 70s, there was always plenty of Money to cover a news Story. If you needed Alear Jet to get to the Story you chartered one. If you needed an extra Crew to cover the Story you ordered one. As Long As you got the Story it did no to much matter what it Cost a but you a better be dam sure you did get the Story. Then in the �?T80s, the networks began to change ownership. Tisch bought cd. General electric bought Abc. Abc was already owned by Cap cities but now there was something different in the air and to those of us who toiled in their Fields it sure did no to smell Good. Quot downsizing was a new word to us. It took awhile before we figured out that a downsizing Quot was nothing but a fancy Way to say a a lot of people Here Are going to lose their jobs some among us hoped the networks would die soon. Given the inroads being made by Cable it seemed almost inevitable. But we were wrong. The networks did no to die. In fact the three major broadcast networks Are enjoying something of a Renaissance. Profits Are up. People Are being hired. Viewership if not up has not disappeared. Suddenly. The networks Are being seen by Wall Street As something of a a Good a there Are several reasons for this but partly it is because the acc changed its rules. Until recently the major networks were not allowed to produce a majority of the programs they broadcast. Most of the prime time schedule you watched on a network was bought from studios this does not include news. That has changed which explains Why companies , Viacom anytime Wam rare trying to buy networks now. Not Only Are the networks going to make More Money by owning the shows they air. They re going to make a whole lot More Money by being Able to sell these shows into syndication themselves. As Good Fortune would have it some of the beneficiaries of this new Prosperity at the networks Are the journalists. You will have noticed by now that on any so Ven night there is Likely to be one or More news magazines being aired in prime time on one or More networks. When Diane Sawyers contract was up for grabs last year Abc tried to get her to come to its shop by offering her a prime time news Magazine five nights a week five nights she decided to stay at Abc where she Only got to Anchor a news Magazine three nights a week. Or is it four so what does it All mean not a lot really to most people but to Many of my friends it Means they get to keep their jobs at least for a Little while until the networks Are sold once again and these newest owners figure out that having no news at All would really save them Money j perhaps Best of All a they have to Deal with those Pesky journalists. Stay tuned. And so it goes. King features Syndicate. Page 18 sunday october 9, 1994
