European Stars and Stripes (Newspaper) - October 9, 1994, Darmstadt, Hesse All aboard for those irked by redundancy James j. Kilpatrick v. A the writers Art in he court of peeves irks and Crotchet i will hear a motion from Gary Donnahoo i of Littleton Colo. He moves to banish Al a pre boarding from the lexicon of airline a personnel. The objection is to the redundancy of a a pc a to separate Quot pre boarding from a the boarding process a the plaintiff contends is to create a separation that docs not exist. Passengers with Small howling children Board an aircraft just like everyone else. Gate agents May ask the aged and impaired to Board first but a pre boarding is merely a Highfalutin word for �?oboarding.�?�. In the companion matter of a pre existing a plaintiffs offer As exhibits an associated press Story about health care Reform and an item from the Lafayette la advertiser about a lawsuit. An Issue in health care Reform is a whether to Block insurers from denying coverage to people with pre existing conditions a in the Louisiana Case a gentleman sued the police. For Quot exasperating a pre existing nerve conditions when they arrested court tends to sympathize with All the plaintiffs who have complained about airline jargon when a flight attendant says that she would be a More than Happy to be of service what degree of happiness is implied jubilation ecstasy utter Contentment what melancholy reflections Are inspired by a reference to our a final destination what do insurers mean by a a pre existing Condi lion one s entire medical history is a chronicle of pre existing conditions. A bout of Chicken pox at age 5 constitutes a condition that existed then but does not. Exist now. The court understands such terms As preadmission prewar and pre columbian but pre boarding and pre existing Are terms of doubtful Merit. The motions to banish will be denied. Such a judgment is too severe but the court will Grant a motion from Harriet Perry of Portland ore., to do away with a a angst and no purpose is served by a a angst that is not better served by a a anxiety or a map the court suspects that no More than. 10 percent of the nations literate population understands that zeitgeist is a the general intellectual moral and. Cultural climate of an when someone says a zeitgeist a the proper answer is a a gesundheit a . Morrison of Columbus Ohio asks a restraining order against a Worth Quot As in Quot when the Job was abandoned three weeks Worth of work went Down the he cites in evidence a Story from the los Angeles times about a cameraman who Quot packed up two milk crates Worth of lights cables and other gear. Reader Morrison inquires a How much is a milk crate Worth a the court has no idea. The court cannot find that any commentator on usage has addressed the curious construction. The court will say Only that Quot three weeks Worth and Quot two milk crates Worth require a possessive apostrophe. The Worth belongs to the weeks and the crates. The order will be denied Ken Alexander of Villa Park Iii is irked by a liar Ken a Black columnist in Chicago recalled. That the use of a a boy harkens Back to a bigoted time. A business columnist wrote that the supposed inv Irp civility of Mutual funds harkens Back to the Era of the go go fund. The court will Rule arbitrarily the Best kind of ruling that a shark backs is marginally better than a Char Ken Back a but both forms give off a Musty emanation. Its much simpler to say a recalls Quot a bigoted time or a takes us Back to another Era. Universal pros Syndicate a finally Bottoms up for something Good ton Kornheiser thing but bad news ferry capsizes off. _ i Finland. War in Bosnia. Chaos in Haiti. I 1 baseball strike. Hockey strike. Al it makes you Wanna have a drink. Go ahead. Matter of fact have two. In be just poured myself a Tumbler of scotch the size of Costa Rica. Later on ill have another. And when in a done ill be healthy As a horse. I wont finish typing this column of course i wont be Able to see the keys but ill feel great at least that s what a study reported in the journal of the american medical association says. The study tested 631 male doctors and found that the ones who had two or More drinks every Day were the least Likely to suffer heart attacks a which stands to reason because How much stress can you feel when you be passed out on a Gurney at least now we know Why doctors have such terrible handwriting they re gassed All the time. Should we be concerned that the study was conducted on doctors i done to want the medical group of or. Jim beam and or. Johnnie Walker removing a my appendix. I mean would you be confident if the last words you heard before the anaesthesia kicked in were a Scalpel. Sutures. Cocktail a but docs aside this , Isnit it it Means a comeback for the three Martini lunch. Which is a win win situation. Not Only will the Martir Nis prevent heart attacks but olives Are a source of. The Good cholesterol a. Another Yolk from Rodney danger Flold. We can drink our Way to Good health. Now i know there a a about pie of please Tell me pie is Good too Here a what we know now that we did no to know a few years ago but hoped 1. Liquor is Good. 2. Margarine is bad. 3. Oat bran tastes like shirt cardboard and is almost As Good for you. 4. There a Good cholesterol. 5. Bruce Willis has no career. Given the Way the tides Are shifting is it too much to Hope that soon muscle tone wont be considered attractive and Bald spots will because i could be a god quota How about sultans could the dermatologists be wrong about the Sun then i could go to the Beach without wrapping my body in so much Gauze that i look like Katherine Hepburn on the Way to a hindu funeral a. i am so Happy with this study. Not Only is it Good news for the average Joe who likes to get so Schnock cred on saturday night that he wakes up sunday morning with his head in the litter Box but its also bad news for the self righteous twits who have lorded their a healthy lifestyle Over us. You know who i mean those preachy creeps who done to smoke or drink and threaten to Call up that loony Bald babe Susan Powter if Uliey catch you using real sugar in. Your Coffee the Yuppie losers at the bar Swilling Down that repulsive nonalcoholic Beer that tastes like the Green Bay packers ran a Garden Hose Over their feet and put it in a bottle. Now there a one less Patch on the moral High ground for them to stand on. I m reminded of the Day Jim Fixx died. Not that 1 wished him i1t, but let s face it he was Selling a bad did no to drink or smoke he ate those Green things a what arc they called vegetables he glossed Between meats and he ran from Pittsburgh to Denver every afternoon. A Guy like that makes you feel so inadequate. So when he dropped dead in the Middle of a jog Well like most of you i allowed myself a moment of silence and then opened up another Large bag of potato chips. A a a a a a a a a �-.-. Good health is killing us Well its killing our taste buds anyway. You can to drink real soda any More its got to be Flavoured with Nulens Eccl and you know there la be a study within five years that discovers Nutrasweet will kill you its probably made from Goat hooves. You can to Cook eggs with Butler it a clog your arteries and kill you Halfway through your Melet so you end up coating the pan with that Spray starch a i mean Why not simply cat your shirt. Anyway you can to eat real eggs the Yolks will kill you i imagine this huge processing Plant where the eggs Are separated and somebody is doing a Rodney Dangerfield impersonation tugging at his Collar and saying a a in la Tell a things Are rough All Over yeah rough i done to get no respect a Hadaya want from me these Are the Yolks a yeah its All going to hell for chickens. Eating their eggs is bad for us eating their skin is bad for us. Though As bad As the Chicken is for us. In be been to Chicken coops and in be got to be Lieve we re worse for the Chicken. Did a hear about the Guy who went to the psychiatrist and said a my brother thinks he s a Chicken Quot and the psychiatrist said Quot Well Why done to you bring him to see me a and the Mau said a we need the and there was the Finie. Editors note at press time or. Pm no Cisco sleeping off the effects of his Mcdoil research. Ii is column will resume next week. A a creator s Syndi Cilc ,. October 9, 1994 chuday a Page 19
